Step outside but not to brawl

I'll rant about how much I hate systems of control that people throw out there all the time. "This is how you need to act, this is how you need to sleep, this is how you need to eat, this is how you need to fuck." I really hate systems of control. And yet I love categories. I don't know if that is really contradictory, it doesn't seem like it should be, it seems like they are too different things. But putting things in categories makes them easier to control. But putting a gun in the hands of an infant increases that toddlers leathal prowess, it mean theres any control. I guess, though, that I should differentiate between my love of categories and the asinine way in which so many categories get created. I like categories that help me through my day. For example, I started taking a class that was labled an english class but when I arrived was clearly a business class. I have no problem with business classes other than that I would rather dip my body in carmel and dive in a pit of mongeese (mongi) before taking a business class. Sometimes I think that I would do good in an office. Sometimes I think that my personal hell would be structured like a corporate job, only without the perks. I think I would do good because it is mindless and I can zone out. Its sort of like cheating your way to a clear mind, or maybe its not cheating, if you believe you can achieve enlightenment through the 'wax on, wax off' school of Zen. Maybe you can, I like turning my brain off, its usually just insulting me anyway. Sometimes I think that Zen must be the simple lack of any system of control. I know that a lot of time when I write in this blog I somehow come back to talking about Zen, but I don't think about it all that often, maybe its just one of those thoughts that only wants to talk when I'm writing. I don't want to follow in any Master footsteps of the enlightened few. Really all I want is some sort of freedom to be who I am. For the most part I have that, yet there are always pressures to be something else. Some people are always in the process of reinventing themselves. Maybe the secret is really to deinvent yourself.

I went to chinese food today. "Turn your thoughts inward - find yourself!" said the magical cookie. I pointed at my chest and yelled "Found him! What do I win?" The cookie and I laughed.

There is nothing quite like going back to school to kickstart your brain into thinking again. It sort of feels like I've had my brain shut off for the last couple of months, making it through with video games and booze and fark. And now that I have my classes going again my brain is stretching and yawning and finally turning the alarm clock off instead of hitting the snooze again. I really think its this feeling I feel when I am taking classes that makes me want to go to grad school. I think to myself "the only thing I would want to go to grad school for was literature, and yet literature people can be pompus assholes, and I'm already a pompus asshole, so I really shouldn't add to that anymore," but then I realize that its really one of the few things that I am good at at all and it is a must if I want to keep going to school. I just don't want my brain to go to sleep. I havn't found a way to wake it up by myself just yet. If you asked me what I learned in college I may just shrug and say I can't remember, but my brains been up the whole time.

Maybe thats the point, just to keep your brain doing something. I mean, I can remember hardly nothing from most of my classes, here and there I have a tasty tidbit of information that I can pass on to others, but for the most part I don't know that I have learned that much, and yet I wouldn't trade it, in fact, I want a helluva lot more of it. Maybe my only real talent is thinking, and my muse is school. Thoughts go by the wayside after a time, all I need to do is excercise my brain. Once I can do that without the formal system of school I will be a little more free.