News Cycle

I haven't really had the desire to update this blog in a while. I've tried a couple of times to put something up, but it just usually ends after a few sentences. Although I haven't really had the desire to do much of anything lately. Especially not school work. I really was thinking I needed some good grades this semester. Its not going to happen. Maybe in one or two classes I'll do alright. Not in all of them though. The problem is I really hate my classes this semester. Really, really, really hate them. All but one. But, shit, 1 out of 5. A 20% ratio of classes I like to classes I dislike. This semester is fucking killing me. And its going to kill any hopes at a decent GPA because when I don't like (or care about) a class I barely touch the text books. Which is exactly whats happening. I went in to take a test I hadn't studied for at all while I was hungover the other day. I'm sure that went well.

God, I just don't care anymore. I've just completely lost interest in almost everything. Everything but sleeping and eating. And watching Arrested Development. And playing WoW while listening to NPR and BBC, which seems like an odd combination but I find that if I think back to something I heard on one of the shows I'll remember it quite well, and also remember what I was doing in the game. I guess its like a memory cue. Like sometimes I'll be running along somewhere in WoW and all of a sudden start thinking about the Gospel of Judas or something because I was listening to something about it the last time I was in that place in the game. I forget what Bond movie it was, though I think it was Octopussy, and the first time I saw it I was looking through this stupid catalog full of novelty crap (I was like 10) and even now if I see that scene on TV or somewhere I'll remember looking through that catalog. And whenever I smell mildew I think of Pirates of the Caribbean. I guess that one makes more sense. I guess my point in this, other then that I've lost interest in anything other than the most mild of intellectual pursuits, is that if school had a way of linking information into my brain like these other things then I would probably be some sort of model student. I know there have been a lot of studies and such on the subject of how we remember stuff, I just wish people could apply it better.

One thing I do remember very clearly, and probably will remember for a while, from one of my classes this semester is the intense rage I get in my communications class. You know those people who have a false sense of how good they are at something plus have a really self-centered view of how things should work, plus have those really fake personalities? Yeah, shes one of those. And its a three hour class, so I'm supposed to get a break (they add in an extra 15 minutes in the once a week classes so that students can have a break halfway through) but most of the time she doesn't want to go till the time the class is completely over, so she plans on ending it like 45 minutes early, which is really only half an hour early when you calculate in the extra 15 minutes. This doesn't work for me at all. The room is stuffy and just so bland and she has this monotone that she doesn't think she has (shes a professor of speech communication, so she thinks whenever shes talking shes being fucking riveting) and she always tells us when were talking in front of people to make eye contact, which she does, but she never fucking looks my way because the once or twice she does after about an hour and a half of sitting there and really needing to pee and smoke and just get the hell out of a room that, if I really think about it, would be my idea of hell, if only for a few minutes before having to go back in for another hour and fifteen, she would see that my eyes were screaming. The last class she was talking and I was just smashing the back of my head against the wall. It wasn't really intentional, I just couldn't take it anymore, and the pain was a wonderful distraction. And I can tell that she knows that I would rather be sticking needles tipped with poison ivy into my ear drum than listen to her another second but I've been a good student so far so she hasn't been able to say shit. Fuck, I seriously dread going to that class. I mean, I hate most of my classes, but at least when I'm in the other classes I don't think about jumping out a second story window just to get some fucking air for a second.

I have this weird sordid love affair going on, mostly in my head, that's been driving me crazy. I guess that's a transition. My writing instructor told me he had noticed that I was really into the creation process in writing but that he (actually he said "we" and I'm not sure who else he was talking about, but whatever) noticed I wasn't too keen on revision. Which seems to be a side note, but I think it leads back into this. I build up all these relationships with girls that I barely know in my head. I do this all the time, not just right now, its a running theme in my head. And I was thinking that maybe the reason I'm so good at having these relationships that last months and go nowhere is because I just create in the spaces. I'm not with the girl, but in my head I think about her enough and 'write' the relationship for a few months till I have some interaction with her that really isn't that much of anything and then I just throw my hands in the air and say "that's it! I'm not pretending were going out anymore!" I suppose I should clarify so it doesn't sound like I'm that much of a crazy person. I know we don't have a relationship. I'm not following them around, I'm not going through their trash, I'm just sitting at home and thinking about how if I wasn't such a fucking fuck up I could actually be with them right now. An example, earlier tonight I was watching the discovery channel, something that really wasn't holding my attention all that much but enough that I was continuing watching it. And I all of a sudden had a desire for some ice cream, and I didn't have any in the house. And so I just imagined calling up my imaginary girlfriend and imagined her coming over with a pint of ice cream and watching the same crap I was watching. That is about the extent of the relationship I build up with these women in my head. Its not love, its not even really lust. Its just a desire for an attractive woman to pay attention to me and occasionally take care of my needs, ice cream and otherwise.

So who are these girls in my sordid love affair right now? God, its hard to say. I've gotten all tangled up lately. I just thought of "Teen Girl Squad," and the Ugly Ones "I have a Crush on every Boy!" Change boy to girl and that's about how I feel right now. I really only feel an urgency to have a relationship, rather than my normal lethargic deep sighing desire to have someone but an inability to really act on it, when something big is going to be coming up in my life. Like now its graduation. And when I graduated high school it was the same thing. And there is been a lot of times in college when I thought I was going to do something big soon and I started working harder and faster to try to actually act on my feeling (yeah, harder and faster, uhh!). I think of myself as being cursed with an over abundance of optimism on the subject of relationships. I just always think something will happen, and soon. I'm like the guy who plays the lottery every week for years and every time thinks he's going to win this time. I really have no better prospects now than I ever do. And the odds are still the same against me. And they are just god awful odds. And yet I keep buying the tickets. And I constantly think I'm going to win. Even though, really, I know that what I constantly hope for is just never going to come true. It gets back to my optimism. Like a girl that is into me is going to just walk up to me and write "I'm totally into you" on my forehead, and I'll have to go to the bathroom to read it, and then get another mirror to get a reflection of the reflection so I can actually read it, and then walk back out there and ask her out, looking like an idiot because she had written in sharpie and it just won't come off. I had a point somewhere in there. Ah, yes, that's what I would like to happen, for girls I like to make it clear that they would be willing to go out with me. Because its not the rejection of asking a girl that I'm afraid of, its me asking a girl out that really isn't into me out and she saying yes (for whatever reason, maybe shes kind of sort of into me, or she just likes me as a person but not really as a date and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, anyway) and me taking her out and thinking its going well and then I end up making myself feel like crap in the weeks that follow as I try to get a second date and her continuing to blow me off. So instead of a fear of failure in the initial round I'm afraid of that second round. Because that's where I always fuck up. And that's what really screws with my head.

God, I am so fucking tired of talking about this right now. You know, I don't know how many people sit there and read through every word in my posts but just imagine this long monologue going on in your head every waking hour of the day. I figure my post probably would take around ten minutes to read, give or take, if you read it all the way through. And since I can think a lot faster than I can type, I figure this whole thing counts for around two minutes of thought. And it just goes on in this infinite loop until I finally fall asleep and then sometimes it continues into my dreams, and then when I wake up its right back into it. Usually, sometimes I wake up with a song stuck in my head. And so I listen to that playing and don't really think at all about anything for a while. But then its right into it as soon as I wake up enough to start thinking. My days are just a daze of this crap. I think its why I like playing WoW and listening to NPR. Because WoW is just such a menial task. Repeat the same tasks over and over and over and over. That's all you ever really do. So that engages my brain that controls, fuck I don't know, actions I guess. And then listening to smart people talk about books and musics and news and politics gets the other part of my mind that, I guess just the part that thinks in a rational way. So with those two parts of my brain engaged I don't have to think about myself at all. I'm completely shut off. Its like watching TV, but even TV doesn't shut off my brain as completely as this combination. It used to be WoW and loveline when Adam was still on it. Then when he left I stopped playing Wow, because, what was the point? But now with podcasts I'm back on! Haha. This also relates to my blogs, because when I really get into a blog it kind of has that same affect on my brain. I mean, I've thought about what I'm typing so many times that I don't really have to think about what I'm saying at all, and I listen to music and I don't feel the weight of all my emotions on me anymore. I think that's why they go on for so long. About, really, absolutely nothing in a lot of parts. And I feel kind of bad about that but I figure, hey, its my thing to have the really, obnoxiously, long blogs. Its not like I make people read them. And it makes me look like I really have a lot to say when you click on my page because of all those words on the page. Like these words. Okay, now I'm just wasting time, because I've really run out of things to complain about. At least publicly. Good lord, could you imagine how long this thing could be? I mean, I self edit out a lot of topics that I just won't touch in this blog. If I brought all of those in, man, this thing would never end. I would have to work on my blog, like, eight hours a day, and I still wouldn't get it all out. Actually, that sounds like a kind of fun adventure. For like a week sometime. Just work on writing stuff for my blog for eight hours a day for a week (a work week, so five days). Good lord, I guess I'd have to talk news and politics if I did that. Yeah, I would. And entertainment. And probably a lot of other things. It be like a real blog! And then I'd probably get lazy and take an hour or two off and just post some half written story I wrote a couple of months ago. Well, it could be fun, I don't know. I wouldn't have time to do it for at least a month and a half, so yeah, I'll think about doing that. Mostly as a way to just keep myself occupied for a while after school is out. And also as a way to force myself into doing more writing that isn't just self serving like this blog.

Okay, so that last paragraph was supposed to be my last paragraph. And it seems to have turned into some sort of other tangent of thought that I couldn't stop once I got rolling on. But here, this is the last paragraph. And it is, as it should be, the most important paragraph ever. So I'll just summarize what I think I remember writing about: Eskimo Pie has gained sentience, I for one welcome our new Frozen Overlords.