Hardly the time

I haven't felt like updating this in a while. I still don't, to tell you the truth, but I figure I might as well.

I've moved back from Maine. While it wasn't a mistake to go out there, I don't think that that is really the place for me. At least not right now. I felt sort of homeless most of the time. Possibly because I walked around aimless for hours on end the downtown. Whats strange is that it's already starting to fade so much in my mind. Like a strange dream. I hardly believe I was ever there at all.

So I am staying with my mom trying to figure out the next move in my life. I imagine that it will have something to do with getting a job. Probably.

Other than that I haven't really been up to much. You may have noticed that I am posting this on friday night. Meaning of course that I probably don't have any plans for the evening. In reality I do have plans. I am going to the movies. Well, I am going to watch a movie. Alone. All alone.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in Portland either. I don't want to be in Reno. Or California. Or Oregon. Or Arizona. Or Utah. Or Washington. Or....

Like one of those dreams when you keep running in place, I am still trying to get out. It hasn't been working out so well.

I've been constantly trying and failing at different things since graduation. I guess I could be trying harder. A lot harder, probably, but I'm trying in my own fashion.

I'm not entirely sure how I've been keeping going in the last months. Something inside of me is still driving me towards doing something. I just don't know what that something is or where the hell I am supposed to look for it. I keep hoping that my life will turn into a novel. An ephiphany will strike. Or something or someone will be put in my way that will send me down the next path. Lead me to some greater understanding of myself or the world or at the very least lead to happiness. Of course, it could be that my life is going to be the debut novel of some half-talented wannabe film-maker who will steer it towards certain doom simply because they think if they kill me off it will make their story more powerful. Even if my death does nothing to advance the plot. God damn, I swear to christ if my life is being written by some hack, I will jump out of the pages and strangle them. Unless this is some sort of really weird story and I jump out and the writer is myself and if I kill him then I have to kill myself but then it turns out that now that I have left the pages I can't go back and the world can't have two of the same person in it for too long or it will kill us both just to equalize. But I know that if I let him kill me then he will go on living, but if I do manage to kill him then I will be killing myself in the process. Unless, of course, I can become the writer of my own life, so I steal his manuscript and take over on it. And then I hire an albino assassin to kill him. And then I write the novel the way I feel it ought to be writ, but since I am off the page it is causing weird dilations of the space/time continuum, so I write in a beautiful woman to be my love interest but then the story starts to write itself and she turns out to be a mass murderer and she is planning on making me a puppet by taking the manuscript and forcing me to write her in as some sort of emperess of the universe. Thankfully, at the last second, I find a way to pull Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, Robin Hood, Frank Sinatra, and Silent Bob from their respective movies/books and they manage to fight off the evil woman. Who, in the end, it turns out was actually --- Darth Vader's illegitamate child he had with Cleopatra!

Yeah, thats the type of book I'd probably end up in.