Domestic blend

Yesterday afternoon I rented the first season of Dexter. Very good show. They actually managed to make a likable serial killer. That show is very addictive. As I've finished the first season, all twelve hours of it, approximately thirteen hours after renting the damn things. I didn't sleep much today. Totally worth it. It's like reading a book your really into. Impossible to put down until you get to some sort of ending. I love shows with continuity. Sure, it's episodic a lot of the time. But it builds really, really nicely on itself. The guy is a sociopath. But he has a moral code that was imposed upon him. It wouldn't make sense save for that the guy who gave him the moral code knew what type of person Dexter would become. So Dexter has to pretend to be normal. Has to pretend to have emotions. Bullshitting his way through life. Don't we all on some level? Well, I don't. But then I probably should. I shouldn't say I don't at all. Most of the time I come off as a jackass because I tell people what I actually think. It isn't that what I'm saying is bad most of the time. But I'd rather hurt someones feelings then lie to their face about something. The truth is always the best answer, just not always the most likable one.

I'm so close to be happy with my life. So close. I thought that if I ever went back to food service my life would be miserable. But I've got an apartment I really like. I'm not all that fond of being in Fallon but it isn't all bad. I'm comfortable here, though I do miss some things about living in a city. And lately all I can think about is sitting on a beach down in Mexico and drinking Margarettas for a couple of months.
Or any beach without too many people around. Get a nice quiet beach house and sleep in a hammock and never have to wear shoes. But right now I am mostly content. I am missing something in my life and that is a woman. By my nature I am a loner. But I don't have to be. I think I'm afraid of letting anyone new into my life. After watching the highly ritualized nature of Dexter I started to realize that in my own way I am highly ritualized. I have a fridge and closet full of diet coke. I smoke Camels everyday. I sit in the same chair, I take a shower and go to bed at the same time. Normal stuff for anyone I suppose. We all have habits. I go into a coffee shop and before I open my mouth they make me the drink I want. It doesn't really matter whose working that day. I go to burger king and order the number two with cheese and no tomato. Taco bell and get a number six with beef and a diet pepsi. I get them to go, I come home and watch an episode of whatever sitcom I am into watching those days (currently Extras). One thing I am is consistent. And the introduction of a girlfriend would mean a change in my routine. She might call into question everything about my life merely with her presence. Yet I know I can't ever really be happy on my own like this. I think I do what I do just to survive. To maintain a system in my life so it doesn't descend into chaos. I live entirely in my head, and without a system I would be completely lost. The problem with my system is that it is entirely a self reliant system. It doesn't leave a ton of room for other people. I guess I fear introducing an unknown variable into an environment I feel is just barely stable. But in the end all it is is a fear. A phobia. An intangible feeling deep inside of me that I need to learn to master before I forever become its slave.

Yes, I am overly dramatic today. Sometimes its the best way to take a serious look at yourself, though.