Short and Sweet and Low

Well, I quit. Rather I put in my two weeks. Though it was hard to do since I wanted to walk right the fuck out. But I didn't, I'm doing it the legit way. Even though I hate it there, I still have my dignity and will not succumb to walking out.

My stomach feels like someone put a brick in it. I went on a mini-road trip today and so got some Burger King. I haven't had fast food for a little while and its really attacking my stomach in retaliation of my disloyalty to the fast food industry.

I have no idea what I am going to do for a job. I'm applying for the Sheriffs on Saturday, but I keep thinking I'm not really interested in getting the job. Maybe I am, somedays I definitely am, but other days I just can't see myself doing it. Some parts of myself that I had gained living away from Fallon seems to have vanished since I've been back. My confidence is one thing thats been lost. Never a very high level of it. Still, I had some. And I had a sense of self and purpose that seems to have gone missing. I was sitting in my car yesterday holding a cup of coffee outside of a coffee shop, a shop where a girl I like works, thinking that I didn't even want to drink any of the coffee. I'd only gone in to see the girl and when I had a chance to ask her out I froze. I felt like I was back in high school, when I constantly froze around girls. Again, I've never been great around girls, but I had gotten much better in the last few years. It was all gone.

Then last night happened. At the perfect time, really. The details are more mundane, but in broad strokes: Beer, poker, police, lies, arms dealing, blackmail, confrontation, and women. A fight, too, though that didn't involve me and I didn't see much of it. Yep, last night had it all. And so today I made my little trip and as soon as I got back in town I went to work and told them I quit. And it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders. Also, a guy who threatened me last night was there and we talk it over. I was a fucking badass to him last night, I mean hardcore. I had to be, I was surrounded by people and I didn't know who was with him. All I had a little drunken Mexican dude with me and he wouldn't have been much help. I got out of the bar and the guy I was with said "I gotta go" and I said "Yeah, I gotta run before they realize that I'm all smoke and can't back anything I just said up." So I was heading to my car and it was smoggy what with the fires and its about three in the morning and theres one van driving slowly by and he stops and asks for directions and I'm telling him where to go and my heart is still racing and he drives off and I'm standing in the deserted street with the guy about to head out and the guy in the van makes a U-turn and double checks on the directions and it all felt fake. Like I was in the middle of a movie or something. Nothing seemed real at all anymore and it occurred to me that that fake feeling was life. It was like someone had blown some air into my deflated life balloon and I realized all at once as that guy drove off and my friend left that I hated my job, I hate this town, I hate my personal life. I hate everything. And life is too short to hate everything, so I'm making a break for it. I've been trying to act like a responsible adult when it just isn't in my nature. I take life on as it comes and don't make any clear goals for the future. Just vague notions of what I want to do in the future. Tonight I watched the Simpsons and I realized that Homer has it all right. He just lives in the moment and things work out in the end for him. Granted that is largly becasue it is a show, a cartoon show at that, but he stays happy, and thats all that really matters in life.

I realize that I sound like a fortune cookie or something right now. I don't care.