Distracted Holidays

I've been back in reno for a few nights now from my trip on the mighty cruise ship the Ooesterdam. Since being back I have had to do some serious thinking about my life. Which isn't anything new, as that seems like all I do. Mostly I'm just disappointed in a lot of things in my life. When you are on a cruise ship and the room you get, on a freaking boat, is larger than the room you live in, it sort of starts to put life into perspective a little.

Something that became clear while I was on vacation was that the less I cared about what other people thought of me, the better I felt about life. I may come across as a crass jackass sometimes, or perhaps just as a silent, possibly annoyed, figure on the periphery of your perception. Maybe I come across as a clown, or a cynic, or an optimist, or a kind gentle person, or as the type of person that would throw you throw a plate glass window if it suited my needs. I'm not saying I see myself as any of those types. But I have come to realize that I can't control how other people see me. Not at all. All I can do is get annoyed at myself as coming across glib/unremarkable/annoying/insane/boring/insane again. So in a weird way a vacation was apparently what I needed to understand that it just doesn't matter. I can't do anything about it. Be myself and let the chips fall. It sounds like the theme of an afternoon special. It takes a little more than cartoons to make a notion such as that really sink in, though.

Not to say it's completely sunk in. I still think of myself sometimes in terms of how others see me. Honestly, I don't know if anyone ever really gets over that part of their self. Maybe you want to be seen as someone more successful than you are. Maybe you want to appear more religious than you really feel. Maybe you want to make sure that no one that serves you, in a restaurant or store or what have you, think of you as someone who thinks of their self as being better than them. These are all things I've done. There is this strange urge sometimes to try to make other people see you in a certain light. It can't always be done. The smallest slip and the whole charade is up. But we keep it up because if we can get some people to see us in the way we want them to see us it can make our lives a lot better. But is it worth it?

Today, for the first time ever, I lied on a resume. I took off a few jobs that didn't seem to be helping me and added in a job to fill in the blanks. Complete bullshit, that other job was. But believable and somewhat hard to prove that I never actually held it. I've heard so many people say that they only got a job here or a job there because they made something up on their resume. And if everyone is doing it, it can't be that bad, right? But why is it that we are punished for telling the truth? Yes, I've worked many jobs. Some for very short periods of time. I have an odd resume. But I'm intelligent, I'm capable of learning how to do many new things, I work hard and almost every employer I've ever had has asked me to stay on and keep working for them when I told them I was quitting. But when I put that into a resume it gets nothing. I'm interested to see if the ones I've lied on get more people to bite on them. I'm also interested to see if I decide not to get hired under false pretense. I talked to someone this week and said "I've always felt that I was above lying on a resume." And he said "so did I, until I couldn't get a job, and then I lied and got a job." Do I want to be that guy? Only principled until I feel it would suit my purposes better to not be? I don't think I can do it. I mean, in a way I've already done it, since I made up the job today. What seperates me from taking that job when I've given someone the impression I'm someone I'm not from someone that lies straight to your face in order to con you out of money? (Also, sorry for so many uses of the word "someone" in that last sentence.) I've broken my share of laws in my day but I don't know that I've ever really flat out lied to someone to get what I want. Maybe thats why I still have no job. Maybe thats why I have no girlfriend. Maybe thats why I might always be living in a place smaller than a room on a boat. A big part of me would much rather have nothing than have everything at the cost of the one shred of dignity and integrity I have left in this world.

Maybe this is why I'm so drawn to writing fiction. Its the one time I can write bald-faced lies and its okay. People know its a lie. People want it to be a lie. They want it to be fake and they want that shred of truth to come out of the lie. Its a dance, writing fiction, telling just enough of the truth in the face of one big, long lie. How can I honestly write fiction if my own life is a fiction? My life may not be great. But I have what I need. Friends, family, enough money to get by day to day, a dream, a few goals, and nothing stopping me from trying to live a life that still has some truth to it.

Okay, I'll grant you, I am not perfect. I have told lies. I have made things up to get out of situations. But aside from lying to my parents about where I was the night before when I was in high school I can't think of any time I have told a lie to get ahead. And granted I've never really gotten ahead. But I spend enough time with myself not particularly liking myself to add more reasons to dislike myself to the list. I may end up being some loser that could never get his life together, but I'd much rather be an honest loser than a dishonest man with a fortune at his feet.