Official News

So yesterday I was sitting around watching some TV and decided to have a few beers before bed. But then I got a call at 7pm from this place I'd been talking too about me getting a job. They wanted to hire me, and they wanted to do it before 8, which was weird but they were all like "we just had to fire three people and we need people by tomorrow threw me in the back of one of the squad cars and left made sure we sat there long enough for me to see them tow my car away from the scene. That sucked. Fortunately when they breathalyzed me I was under the limit, but that didn't seem to bug them after what they had found. I was taken over to Parr and processed and then I got to meet with this public defender, who was this smoking hottie. Blond with big ta-tas and wearing this red blouse buttoned real low. Oh, man, she was fine. And I think that sex was pretty much the only level that she could practice law at, because she was flirting with me for a bit when she first introduced herself, but then she was flirting with the cops when they came in to talk to me. And before long she was saying like "I don't know if that was a fair traffic stop, you maybe didn't have the right to search his car, so whatever you found, you know, it was like the fruit of the poisonous tree or something." And they just fucking dropped the charges like an hour later. It was fucking awesome.

But then I realized I didn't have any money or anyway to get home and I asked the hot attorney to give me a ride home. She gave me this little smile that and was all like "oh, so you're inviting me back to your place?" And I said sure, even though I thought she was just being cutesy and didn't really want to go home with me, mostly because I had noticed she had a really, really expensive engagement ring on, but I've never been one to say no to somewhat slutty professional womens. Though, to be fair, their profession is usually hooker. Anyway, she is driving me home and I'm not really sure if she actually is going to come in and I'm thinking about how messy my place is and the fact that my bed is a single when this really bright, bright light is shining on her car. We both are straining, trying to look up, see what it is. We can't though, because its so fucking bright. I tried to open the car door, but then it was like it was locked from the outside or something. I won't lie, I was freaking out a little bit and even tried to break the window by punching it. But even though Arnold can break windows with a light punch, that fucking hurts when you try to do it in real life.

All of a sudden we are floating, and I can see that we are about a mile off the road and then it felt like I had all the wind knocked out of me. Like some prize fighter had just punched me as hard as they could. I seriously thought I was going to die and I just passed out. I don't know how long I was out for, but when I came too me and the attorney are sitting on this really plush couches and there are all these weird little dudes around us. At first I thought we had been rescued by either a traveling circus or perhaps the lollipop guild. Then I noticed the little dudes were all bald and naked and gray. Then one of them started talking, it was this crazy language I'd never heard before, but then all of a sudden, like there was some translator in my head, I could understand. He was saying "Matt, we need your help. The Omega Section 1123 has been overrun by the warlord Megamothinican II!" And I said "what can I do to help!" And then the little dude, who told me his name was Franzlithian, said "you will know." And I looked over and say the attorney was now wearing this skin tight leotard that had this strange simple on the chest right below where it had been low cut to show off her amazing breasts. And then I looked down and realized that I was wearing a similar leotard, only it covered me up a lot better. And also, it had somehow made me into an action star, I was totally buff as long as I wore it. So they handed us some laser guns and told us to take one of their smaller ships out to the Omega 1123 section.

But as we got into the ship to fly I was overwhelmed by a need to say a poignant one liner, but I couldn't think of one, and while I was pondering what to say, I crashed into the Google Earth satellite and we fell back to earth, landing in the middle of the pacific, were we were eventually saved by a mermaid and a talking dolphin after they convinced us to help free the enslaved people of Atlantis. But that is a story for another April Fools day.