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My arms hurt right now. I lifted on Sunday and they still hurt. Apparently I overdid it. The thing is, though, that I invented something as a result. I had to drive a lot today and since it hurt to raise my arms in even the slightest, I ended up steering with my thumb. I have gone on and on and on about how fucking amazing Toyotas are in the past, and this is clearly proof that I was not just a crazy person who happened to like his car. I fucking drove my car, with great accuracy, with my thumb. Okay, maybe you can do that in a lot of cars these days, what with that fancy power steering, but that isn't really the point. The point is that while doing it I realized that I had a fucking giant steering wheel that looks like something off of a 17th century barge headed to the new world in front of me, yet I could control it accurately with one digit. I thought to myself "well, it is just a leftover from olde tyme cars. And it is the last part of the old way of making cars. A throwback, if you will." Then I realized that they still run on combustible engines, gas and breaks are still controlled with the feet, the car still needs to be shifted manually even though most cars have lost the clutch, and they still basically look the same as the goddamn model T. Cars have come a long way since they were put into mass production, but they still maintain almost the exact same model as the first cars ever built. I think it is time to change all of that. Which is why I have invented the first car that can be driven with a simple thumb operated joystick. Not unlike what you might find on an XBOX controller. The system would go in between the driver and passenger seats, and you would use your other fingers to control gas and breaking. When you need a break from driving, the passenger can take over without you even needing to slow down. Also, you don't have a giant wheel in front of you the entire fucking time. The technology is there, the know how is there, the will isn't. Maybe I didn't invent this, but, by damn, I am going to see it happen. Well, I might see it happen, if someone else makes it happen. Feel free to steal this idea, world, I don't desire any sort of patent or compensation. I just want to see you get this shit working. Also, if you could name the first cars that are built with the thumb joystick control system "Mormobiles" that would be appreciated.

A lot of time when I go onto Hulu I find that they are asking me which set of commercials I would like to watch. I hear Zool's voice and it is saying "Choose the form of your destructor!" What has the world come to that I have to choose what type of commercials I am going to be subjected to?

The guard greets the anonymous prisoner at the gate, "Yes, Mr. A. Terrorist. Welcome to Guantanamo Bay. We offer a wide variety of options for our non-existent prisoners. Would you like (A) Water boarding, (B) Giant Naked Pyramid, or (C) Gnads." Whispering, the guard says, "you do not want to pick C."

More and more I realize that I am just an ideas man. I am great at coming up with shit. Follow through, well, that is someone else's department. I have a meeting at work in a couple days and I have to show some ideas. I am so fucking prepared for that meeting already. I was going to make a presentation for it but the conference room doesn't have a projector. Instead I am going to just use my ideas to kick some ass and chew some bubble gum, and although I have plenty of bubble gum, I am not going to be chewing it.

Today at a client intake I met a woman who knew of me, from my awesome reputation and possibly because my dad is currently living with her son's ex-wife. She spoke fondly of me, almost heroically. I am exaggerating, and that isn't the point of the story. The point is that she was looking for respite care for her because her husband had been, in official medical lingo, Fucked up Something Serious. This has been going on for quite some time. The guy was in line to be the dean of a school in South Africa, then he got mugged and bashed in the head. This was seventeen years ago. Recently she had had caregivers come to the house. The caregivers were of poor repute. Or at least they were after they left her house because one had shown up drunk and one had changed the goddamn locks on her house. She spoke four languages. Her husband speaks at least eight.

The weird thing is that I was basically there to monitor the person doing her intake. We have had some questions as to what organization she is really working for. Don't get me wrong, she is a good person and cares about elder care in all its forms. But we were getting the impression that she wasn't taking my organization seriously. We've sort of hounded her about it for a couple of weeks. She is now taking it seriously. We get the funding, we get the volunteers, we get shit done. I have the unfortunate job of going in as something of an overseer. I have to make friends of people who see me as an obstacle. I am surprisingly good at doing that. Perhaps being a giant who rarely talks has given me an unexpected advantage in life. I know how to turn fear of me into a very real likability.

My dad turned 57 today. Happy Birthday! I really hope that he never actually reads that happy birthday proclamation, though, as that would mean that he has found my blog. I cannot function on this blog if my family knows about it. I am not ready for them to see this side of me, and perhaps I never will. Maybe, just maybe, if my dad is turning ninety I will say "you should go to ghostmorphine.blogspot.com," and that is assuming that I keep this blog going for the next 33 years.


There is a chance that I might have a roommate soon. There are many mixed feelings about that, but mostly I am hoping it happens. I love to live on my own but this place seems awfully dead most of the time. Plus, I think that when I decided to go with a two bedroom I expected to take on a roommate at some point. Its sort of like building a ship. Eventually you are going to take on water, what's important is planning ahead of time to accommodate that water.

I can't write and listen to NPR at the same time, so this is the end of the blog, as NPR is way more interesting than I am.