Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Part of me feels cheated by life and part of me feels like I'm cheating life. There really isn't much sense to make out of that.

The other night I had a flashback episode. I just kept zoning out and remembering random crazy things from my past. There wasn't much of a narrative going on when I went back to present time, so chances are it was a filler day in my life. I don't know what triggered all the random memories, but now it feels like I have a lot of things that I have to confront coming up. I'll probably have to confront them during sweeps.

For anyone that doesn't understand what the hell that last paragraph meant, you need to watch more TV.

I'm trying out Pandora radio right now. I'd recommend it. And I know I am years behind the curve on this. But I'm enjoying it.

I really don't want to be alone anymore. About a year ago I realized I was ready to be married. I like being by myself, but I am no good to myself when I am on my own. I've been throwing full trash bags into a closet because I'm too lazy to walk down to the dumpster. I use the dryer as a closet. My fridge is filled with beer, cheese, bread, and diet coke. And, most cliched of all, I have Chinese to go containers all over the house.

I sometimes feel like I have lived my whole life on my own. My parents were around but they never paid much attention to me. I was smart enough to do okay in school, I was dull enough to entertain myself for hours bouncing on a trampoline, I stayed out of trouble for the most part, and I was a good liar when I did get in trouble. Basically I grew up as though I were a cat. I was there, but it didn't really matter if you paid any attention to me so long as you fed and watered me from time to time.

As a result I don't expect anyone to ever pay any attention to me. But I need at least one person to pay attention to me. I don't know who that person is, but there has to be a woman out there that wants to see what the hell I get up to at all hours of the day. I'm not exactly holding my breath on finding that woman, but she is probably out there.