Tonight I had a drink with a girl a girl I had a crush on in high school. There were times I felt like I missed out not dating her. But I realized that now she is working a crappy job, divorced with three kids, and she's just as sad as me but can't admit it just yet. Often times I feel like I am not single by choice. But sometimes I wonder if maybe I've avoided commitment so I don't end up living in the same small town I grew up in with three kids and an intense hatred for having chosen the normal path. It makes you question things. I feel like a loser most of the time but I still get to cruise along. I'm horrible at relationships, I'm horrible at meeting people. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. And for the first time in a long time that actually seems like sort of an advantage.
I daydreamed today about being in the Wild West and just being a traveling trader. Riding a horse, living outside, making just enough to make it to the next town. No home, no responsibilities. Just the open road, so to speak. I could be doing that now. Not exactly that, I'd probably take a car. But why not? Just live on the road? Forget all this crap.
I should just wander. It was wrong of me to try to settle in one place. I think I'm going to leave soon. I want to leave soon.
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