Calling it in

I really don't think I'm going to go to school tommorow. Today, I guess, whatever, wednesday. I only have classes three days a week so I feel kind of bad about not going, which is probaby why I havn't missed any class yet, but its starting to get to a point where I feel that if I keep showing up every class I'm going to go nuts. I don't really know why that is. I want to blame it on laziness, but I don't really think thats it. Its just stress, I think, getting there and participating in discussions and trying to take part in something that I don't really feel a part of. I was thinking about why they give us a month off in the winter and three months in the summer and why professors take a year off every seven years and I realized that there is a lot more stress involved in the academic world than it seems like there should be. I wonder what that is. Maybe its just all the time you have to spend working away from the school, and then just being there around a lot of other people that are getting progressively more and more stressed as time goes on. Spring break is when were supposed to take a moment to relax. I used to think it was almost silly since I would rather have just gotten out of school a week earlier, but now it makes more sense. I think thats why so many people in the business world have to change professions every ten years or so, and why they have tendancies to just sort of freak out after a while. Its the same thing really, your at work or your at home working on work stuff or thinking about it and you stress yourself out and then you go to work where everyone else is in the same mindset. Of course they don't get all the time off that college students get. Really I'm surprised there aren't more office shot outs, it seems like a lot of people would get to that point. Not that I think its a good thing or anything, but I'm just saying that it seems like it would happen. But maybe the world of business is less stressful than study. I mean, in business its the same thing over and over everyday, so its more boring but at the same time less taxing since you know exactly what is expected of you and you know how long everything takes, etc. So maybe thats why people can deal with those types of jobs a lot. but there is the stress, i don't know. I'm just talking in circles now, trying to figure it all out.

I've been a little freaked out lately about this whole graduation thing. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I want to move, go somewhere new and exciting. Or at least new. I have this vision of myself in a little house just outside a small town somewhere. I don't know what I'd do for work in this situation, but it sounds nice. Small and cozy and comfortable. I could just get a cheap place and work in a diner or something and focus my real attention on getting something written and published. I was looking at job postings for college grads and there wasn't a single thing that I could find that really appealed to me. Maybe I was just looking in the wrong spot, but I've spent a couple of years thinking about what I was going to do once out of college and I've come to the conclusion that there really isn't any job out there that I know of that I'd actually be willing to do. I say I could work in a diner because if I'm not going to like what I'm doing I want to have the least amount of responsibility. Also, I like the idea of me being in a little small town diner, just being part of the background in a little community. I don't know why that appeals to me so much. I've also thought about moving to England to do the same thing, just with more british accents. I'm not sure if thats going to work out, but, hell, i could call the whole thing a cultural experience if I did it that way.

Fuck, I don't know. graduating, its a thorn in my side. I've never really made a big life decision before. I mean, not really. In high school I always took for granted I was going to college. I took for granted I was going to UNR, I didn't even apply anywhere else. I don't know what my GPA from high school was, or my ACT or SAT scores, those numbers were never important to me because I didn't have any real significance. They were just things that I did without thinking about it that lead me into reno to go to school at unr. I chose my major, but a major isn't really that big of a deal, I don't think. It can make a difference if you have a real solid idea of where you are going, but if you dont than almost anything will do, all thats important is the degree, the type is negligable. So now suddenly I'm realizing that I have to make a choice that is really going to affect where I go from here. And I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do with that sort of responsibility. And I am tempted to think that my idea of going to a small town and taking a job with no responsibility is a non-choice. But then I think, hey, I'll have a college degree, and I'll be going to paupers way, I'll be living life close to the bottom in order to reach for the stars, as it were. I think if I choose to go with a more career oriented job type then I am going to get stuck in it and before long I'll be middle-aged and wondering what the hell ever happened to my hopes from when I was my age. I really don't want to look back in thirty years with a lot of regret. And even if I do end up with that business career model at some point in my life, a few years to figure shit out is just what I need. Hell, its what most people do when they get out of college, another one of those little cliches. The decision is a lot harder from the first person. From an outside perception it seems so easy, I've guess I always assumed I'd go on a little soul-searching journey after college, but actually getting ready for such an adventure is driving me nuts. But I suppose I really did make this choice a long time ago, now I'm just freaking out because I'm realizing that I'm going to have to go down a road that I'm not familiar with at all. But it will work out, I'll be just fine.

There are a lot of odd little moments in your day that make you wonder about the nature of yourself. Not in a spiritual way, but just as a self that other people perceive, more accuratly, how they perceive you. I've had several moments in the last couple of days that have called into question who I am in other peoples minds, what type of person they see me as. I don't know if my brain is just reading into everything, and strangly at that, but I'm getting a lot of weird readings lately. A level of, dare I say, respect, from people I didn't really expect it from. I don't know, I'm starting to feel a little more confident in myself, which is a strange feeling, and I like it.