banana phone

This has not been an especially great week for me. I could go into why it hasn't, but I won't. Suffice to say that I have been trying to deal with my life and that can be a giant pain in the ass. Really, the last few weeks have been like this.

Life isn't easy, so they say. I want it to be easy. I want all the pain and suffering to belong to characters in books and movies and be on tv and never interfer with my life. Unfortunately that isn't how it works. So that leaves me here. Trying to stave off sleep long enough to finish this. Not because I want to get it done, but because I feel like I should at least try and get something written in this blog. Even if it is just me being upset at myself. At least having something up here gives myself and others a sort of snapshot of my life at any given moment. A quick over view with various parts omitted for space and time and other restraints. But a realistic view of myself. And putting it online gets it away from me a little, if only for a while, and sometimes thats all I need.

I'm just disappointed in myself. And I think that maybe in a few weeks or months or years I'll be able to look back at myself at this time in my life and laugh and say 'man, those were some crazy times.' Only I'll probably say it like "craa-zy!" or something.

I'm sick of talking about myself. Really, really sick of it. I'm tired of thinking about myself, too. Though the only way to stop that is to turn on the tv. Since I can't even read right now without getting caught up in the tidal wave of crap inside my head. Do you ever read a novel thats written in first person and think "how can this person talk so much about there self?" I mean, the character, not the author. Anyway, I get to thinking about it sometimes and realize that thats all I do most of the time I'm thinking. Maybe its what most people do, just over think themselves. Maybe its not, I don't know, I can't speak for anyone else. All I know is that this constant refering back to myself makes me feel like I'm in the middle of a story and I'm reading it thinking "I wish this guy would just shut up and get on with it." Unfortunately if the character shuts up there isn't anyone left to tell the story anymore. So I guess thats why you have to take the good with the bad in those stories. and why I always write everything in third person.

I'm tired, and I'm anxious and I'm a little stressed out. I need to get up tommorow and go and take care of some things. And then I need to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do with myself from here on out. Hopefully I've hit the lowest point I'm going to hit. But I do tend to find a way to keep sinking lower. I'm struggling up out of a pit of mud right now, and everytime I get a handhold I lose my footing. But I think maybe the mud is caking to the walls, and it isn't as far down as I thought. Though that doesn't sound very optimistic, perhaps, it is the most optimistic I've been for a couple of days, so let me have that moment.