Blockbustering

I just watched spider-man 3. A pirated version, on my computer. By now the movies made well over a $150 million dollars. That always makes me angry when movies make that amount of money. A year or two from now when most of the DVD and rental money has finished rolling in they will probably have cleared somewhere between $400-500 million. Maybe more, depending on how much more money it makes in the theater. Fuck, its just annoying to be reminded how much money is really being made by hollywood. I know most of that money would be going into other consumer goods if it wasn't being spent on the movie, but it still bugs me. How many problems could be solved this year if we were throwing that kind of money at them? We could have virtually every homeless person sleeping in some sort of shelter, with enough food, maybe some treatment for their mental problems or addictions or whatever it is thats gotten them to a point where they are living on the streets. Or we could have enough teachers to actually teach all the students. Or we could hire people to go into the prisons and rehabilitate people so they don't just keep coming back in after doing the same shit that got them there in the first place. There are a lot more things we could do with the money to help society. The point is, I know its not going to be going into these things if people aren't spending it on movies. Hell, I know my money isn't going into those programs if I don't go pay to see a movie. But I guess it still just bothers me. It feels like there is a lot of wasted money going into entertainment. I guess we need entertainment, but not as much as people need places to live and food to eat. I'm not trying to say everyone should stop seeing movies and give the money their saving on that to charity. I'm just saying that seeing things like how much money movies are making reminds me of how much our society values these things, and it reminds me how little we value other things.

I've got to go to school five more times before I graduate. Three times this week, twice next week, then I'm done. This semester feels like its barely gotten started and yet its so close to be over. Last semester seemed to drag on forever. I mean, I feel like there is a part of me somewhere out there that is still trapped in the blackhole that was last semester. Like I never made it out, that I only think I've made it almost all the way through this semester. God, if I wake up tommorow and find out that I've only dreamt this semester I wouldn't be surprised. Pissed off, but not surprised.


Shit, I have to figure out what I'm going to do when school gets out. I've been stressed out this whole year, knowing that I was going to graduate this semester seems to have taken its toll on me. I know everyone says that its stressful. I guess what I'm saying isn't anything new, really. But it is new. Since now its happening to me, as before it was happening to other people. I think what worries me the most is that I won't be able to find a job, or I'll get one and hate it and quite, and just not be able to get myself to be motivated to do anything for a few weeks and just kind of tumble in on myself, just sit and stare at a computer screen and maybe occasionally write and mostly just watch tv and feel sorry for myself.

I've been going to school for the vast majority of my life. I think I can honestly say that I'm scared shitless of the idea of not being in school anymore. No matter how badly I hated it, no matter how badly I wanted out throughout the years, its always been part of the landscape for me. I mean, I took a "semester" off once, but really I just dropped my classes a few days before the last day you could drop them, and so instead of taking a semester off I took half of a semester off, and I was working full time the whole time I was out of classes. It was really only about five months between dropping out and going back in, and that was because the summer was in there. Right now my school career feels like a bad relationship. Its falling apart, but, hey, we've had some good times? And we still love each other, I suppose. Its just that we are two very different people now. Fuck. I wanted out of school for so long and now that I'm less then two weeks from being done with it all I want to do is to cling to it. I have a plan to go back to school in the fall of 08. But thats kind of a long time from now. And I've got to get into a school in the meantime. But I have like a year and a half of free time coming up. The ultimate long weekend. And I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself.

It is late at night and I have a lot of homework due within the next two days. A lot of homework I haven't done yet. This is how I know I'm going to miss school, though. Because instead of being really stressed out about stuff thats due in about thirteen hours that I haven't even started I'm already kind of missing that feeling. That last minute scramble to put shit together and get it in and roll the dice of fate a little and see what sort of grade you can get out of it. Usually I'd be freaking out and trying to get shit done like mad right now. Instead I'm just soaking in that combination of fear and pressure and quiet optimism that I'll get it done in time that always rolls up on me when I have a lot of work to do in a very small amount of time.