Not Undead

I haven't posted in a bit. Sorry. I blame Kevin Spacey. Also Gene Hackman (Damn you Lex Luther!).

I have started working in a casino. Which has its ups and downs. Ups is that I feel that I can use this experience to help me in the future. The downs is that I sort of hate it. Sort of, in this context, means I dislike some of my coworkers. Hate it, in this context, means that I am about ready to throw in the towel less then two weeks in. Is that, in this context, is a conjecture with a preposition that implies a present state of things.

I just got back from a weekend vacation with my dad for fathers day. It wasn't a bad trip. I'm learning that I can deal very well with each member of my family individually. Except for my mom, who requires at least one person to act as a buffer. A lot of kids of divorced parents may have negative feelings about their parents next boyfriend/girlfriend. But I feel that my mom's is a godsend. A patient, easy going guy who balances out my mom's insanity a little. Similarly to how my sisters boyfriend makes her much easier to deal with. It makes me realize more and more that I need a girlfriend that balances my personality. Everyone in my family is better with a proper mate. Now I'm just the odd man out that is a pain in the ass with no one to give me that upside that I've been looking for.

I'm still in the process of applying to the Sheriff's department. It is a long process. One that needs very little of me. The 28th is the test date. Written and physical. After that who knows how long. After that probably six weeks of training I have to pass. So I probably won't really know if I get the job till August or September. But it seems worth the wait. Everytime I get to thinking about it I have all of these detective fanatsies in my head. I've always wanted to be a detective. I just never wanted to go through the process of being a patrol officer first. But I think if I do the patrol part in Fallon it should be about as easy as it is ever going to get and then I can transfer to the police department and get promoted to detective and then get transfered somewhere I else. If I can pull this off then it is one less thing I want out of my professional life. There are three others; fiction writer, bookstore owner, movie director. Technically I've been a movie director and a fiction writer. But I mean to do them in a professional sense. Not just this amateur stuff I've done. So if I can get detective then write some fiction and sell it for some decent money and have that book get turned into a movie that for some reason they let me direct, all I'll have to do is take my earnings and open a bookstore and I'll have accomplished what I set out to do. It is a sort of exciting time in my life. On the verge of making ways towards achieving a lifelong goal. I really hope I can pull it off.

My grandpa is still very sick and needs a feeding tube put in, which is going in tomorrow. I saw him this weekend and he looks about the same as he has the last year or so, which isn't so great. He has no lose of his personality or memory and he's still the same grandpa I've always known, which makes it so weird to see him incapacitated by his body being unable to fight off infection after infection. It is always hard when someone starts to lose their mind to a degree. But it is just as hard to watch someone who is fully aware of everything going on around them to lose their ability to have any sort of a normal life. He is just stuck with his body going to shit. He could still make a recovery, though it is unlikely. He doesn't seem to upset with his situation, which I suppose is good. But I know he has his old self in him and I hate to seem him suffering through the fact that he can't do anything on his own for so long.

Sharks freak me out. Death not so much. I guess I've accepted death as part of life. But not sharks. I hate sharks. I feel bad when I kill an ant but I would beat, torch, mutilate, incinerate, and bury any shark I had a chance to get rid of. I point this out because I feel bad that I am so cavalier about the fate of my grandfather. A part of me tells me I should be worried that he could die while he is stuck in the intensive care units and hospitals. But another part of me is so relaxed about the idea. Maybe I'm just a robot. I love my grandpa, but it doesn't bother me thinking that each visit may be my last. Perhaps it is because I have no regrets. Perhaps it is because I have faith that the afterlife is perfect peace. Non-existence is complete peace. Don't think I've gotten all Jesusy on you. I was perfectly content not existing before I was born. I believe I will be just so content after death. After all, how could I not be content with no consciousness? Zen is all about freeing ones mind. Non-existence is the most free any mind can ever be. Not that I am zen. I just really like that notion.

I used to have a fear of asking women out. Not so much anymore for a variety of reasons. But there was a girl I sort of wanted to ask out a few months ago then sort of decided against asking her out. Recently her natural beauty has been exposed to me both inside and out (I realize this statement sounds dirty, but as much as I wish it were, it is not) and I really want her but am petrified of asking her out. I feel like I'm fourteen again. Normally when I get in a situation where I feel I really want a girl I just ask her out and prepare myself for the worst so I can take it if it is to happen. But she's different somehow. And I really don't want to screw it up. I know I just have to take a chance. I just don't think I'm good enough for her.

I told someone, around new years, that my goal for the year, my resolution, was to fall in love. That was an incomplete statement, as I want to have a non-unrequited love (mutual love). I'm six months in and I'm nowhere closer to my goal. Maybe its because I have not taken big enough chances. I've taken a few chances. But a part of me is convinced I will never find a woman that will love me and everyday I listen to that part of me a little but more. Despite my dreams of detectiving and bookshop-ownering and directing (directoring) I desire such a thing as love above all else. I don't think it is going to happen. But I'll hate myself if I don't at least try.