Remind me to thank Apple

So it has been a long time since I've really posted on this blog. Sadly, I'm sure, for people who follow it compulsively. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of getting on here, which I probably will as my internet usage is starting to go back up now that I have an actual dedicated internet connection in my home. It took a few weeks before I really spent any time on my computer since getting the internet since I had gotten so used to not being on, but now old habits are starting to come back. As well as the habit to not sleep during the time of day designated as "night."

It's about 6:20am as I type this and I am sleepy, but I don't think I'll fall asleep. I laid in bed for a while but couldn't get anything going, so I am doing what I always do when I can't sleep, drinking diet coke and smoking cigarettes. Natures sleep remedy.

I've learned a few things about my brain in the past few months. I can't remember some of them, which is another thing I've learned (I have very limited memory space). The thing is that I apparently can't handle having a lot of memories all at once. Whenever a problem pops up it seems like I have just been blocking out everything related to it. So instead of dealing with things I just don't remember them, and I assume I've dealt with them. But what ends up happening with that system is that I forget a lot of the good stuff. I was at a friends house tonight, and that friend happens to be a girl, and I sort of tried to date her for a while. It ended up being more like a very G rated courtship. Anyway, I figured either I wasn't what she was looking for or nothing was ever going to happen so I pulled back and sort of vanished from her life. But now that I'm back in Reno and seeing her I'm starting to get memories back. Good memories, like a time when I spent over an hour standing against a wall in a bar discussing Superman with her. I just get this strange feeling when I'm around her. I think that its happiness, its hard to tell for sure since I'm not super familiar with that human emotion, but I assume that it was it feels like, based on descriptions I have read about it.

So she makes me happy to be around, and I enjoy talking to her and spending time with her and all that crap. But nothing ever happened with us and, realistically, I feel like nothing ever will. Of course I spend most of my time with fictional characters, and so by the logic of fiction something could still easily happen with us a ways down the road when were both ready for it to happen at the same time. But, again, I realize that is probably not what is really going to happen. Its that notion that makes me angry when I'm around her. Like I can't stand to be in the same room as her, despite her making me feel good, because she makes me angry and resentful at the same time. And all these happy memories that my brain is finally willing to dredge up are all of a sudden tainted with this petty jealousy and anger. I know this is a story repeated constantly through human history, and I probably don't have anything to add to it. But what really pisses me off is that she is now with some other guy and he just sets my douchebag sense off something fierce. And, yeah, its possibly just jealousy. But I usually have a pretty good sense of people. And I could provide circumstancal evidence to support my claims, but I won't because they are fairly flimsy, but its just a feeling I get. And I'm almost positive that she'll get sick of him and kick him to the curb sometime soon, but even if that happens tomorrow there is really no chance that she will be ready to actually start dating me for a long time to come anyway. First she'll be "just out of a relationship" then she'll be on a rebound, then she'll probably have one or two "it's complicated's" then, and only then, will it possibly be my time. And I'm not really in the mood to wait that long just to be with someone right now. I mean, judging by my history I probably will be waiting that long and longer to be in a relationship, but at the same time I don't want to sit around waiting for something to materialize. Especially if everything I think is between us is just all a figment of an overactive imagination on my part, which it likely is.

It's just all so pathetic. And sad. I wish sometimes that I could just see how this ends and work backwards from there. Not that it will probably make too big of a difference, but it can, and has already, have an impact on my life. And not just how I feel and what I can do to make myself feel better about the situation, but also in the fact that she has at least one friend that I'm pretty sure is single that I sort of want to ask out but I'm worried that if I date the friend then I will be in a weird position down the road. I mean, it's one thing to just date some other random girl for a while, but someone that she is close to is going to complicate things further. Which also means that I can't ask the other girl out on one date, which right now is really all I want because she is something of a mystery to me and I haven't had a lot of chances to talk to her at length since I met her. She has something going on with her and I want to get to the bottom of it. Also she's really hot, and probably out of my league, so I could probably only have one date anyway, but it still gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach to think about.

I should just move on. I know that, I had my chance and I blew it and I had come to terms with that and would have been fine with it but for seeing her again. I want to avoid her but I keep ending up not avoiding her. And its going to make me go through all those sets of emotions I used to not be able to deal with about her all over again. It would be so much easier for me if I just blocked her completely out of my mind all over again right now and found something else to do with myself. But I don't want to, what with the need to block out some of the few happy memories I actually have left in my addled brain. For me to be able to look back on my life and conjure up something that leaves me with a smile on my face is such a rare jewel that no matter how bad things may get as a result of leaving myself open and vulnerable to these terrible feelings I have no choice but to suck it up.

Though I get that a lot of this makes me just sound like I'm bitching and moaning and overly sensitive and letting myself get sucked up into some crazy idea of happiness and possible love instead of being like an average single 25 year old just focusing on getting laid, but I also realize that I am not exactly an average 25 year old and I really don't give a fuck if I am letting myself get caught up in one person that doesn't really care about me because I'm tired of fighting myself and trying to be someone I'm not. I don't go outside my small social circles, I don't really care about having a lot of meaningless sex, and though I'm not certain that I am actually ready to settle down with someone I am not going to fight myself on the crazy feelings I get churned up about it. I know it sounds like I'm obsessing, but honestly this is the first time I've really thought about it in months and its all just coming out right now. So I think that I am at a fairly normal level. Seeing someone you were interested in apparently moving on and leaving you behind is supposed to make you feel like shit. And I also realize that this paragraph has been very defensive, and yes that is because I feel like maybe I'm obsessing or I am over thinking it or I am just going a little crazy about this, but I think I have sort of quelled my own suspicions of myself. Except for being this self-aware makes me think that I am probably in a deeper state of denile about some other aspect of this that I am not dealing with, which explains the obsession and the defensiveness and the thought that I am perfectly aware of everything, but then that makes me aware of something else that makes me more self aware and... well, you know, this has already lost all its logic and I'm tired and its probably light outside now and I really wouldn't mind getting some sleep.

It does feel good to be writing in this again. I was sort of keeping a journal while I haven't been writing on this blog, but I was writing it by hand which is slower and I usually did it while I was sitting at a coffee shop which meant that I usually felt like I had a time limit or a page limit because I didn't want to look like a completely crazy person writing in his journal for hours a day at a coffee shop, even though I was.

But I haven't typed a story in months. I wrote a few, but nothing that I felt that strongly about. But I feel a lot of stress going away. I forget how important writing is to me. And even though blog writing is possibly the lowest form of writing in the modern world, it is still something to get a part of me out there and available for others to see. Sort of scary thinking about the number of people that could actually read this blog, actually. In fact, the girl I was talking about earlier could read it. I doubt she will, but I think that she might have gotten a link to this blog from me at one point when I was thinking this was going to just become an entertainment blog. Really I don't know why the hell I ever tell anyone about this blog. I really don't like people knowing all that much about my personal life yet I type a lot of it up and put it online. Whatever, I suppose things could be worse than having people who know me know that I am thinking about them from time to time or that I have actual feelings about events and other people.

But, yeah, typing. Writing, not sleeping, pounding down caffinne in direct contradiction to what I should be doing when I can't sleep. This, too, brings back fond memories. Everyone needs a creative outlet, and I've been ignoring mine for far too long. I have realized that I am a boring, fairly average guy in most ways. But I am also a sensitive artist type, and lazy. I need to make sure that that artist side of me gets out to play more. Otherwise Dark Mor gets out to play, and he is not nearly as fun as he thinks he is (but don't worry, Dark Mor is actually fairly nice, he's just a complete fucking moron).