Jobby Job Job

I've updated the look of my blog a bit. You'll notice that it has the look of either a 13 year old girls blog or that of a cult. I thought about adding in a pony to downplay that whole cult thing, but I think I'll leave it. Its nice, isn't it? So easy on the eyes. And I think it really accents the pessimistic, self-doubting, narcissistic, and hilariously funny (even if they are poorly written, what with all the massive grammar errors) things that I post here.

So after quite a few failed attempts to do something else with my life, right now I'm starting to think I just need to focus on something a bit more mundane and average for myself. I really just want to find some crappy office job and work my way up for a few years right now. Although I don't know if that is because I really want that or just because I'm craving some sort of stability and the idea of working a relatively simply job that doesn't involve serving food or wearing a security badge is starting to sound very good.

I used to think I would hate an office environment, but looking at all the other alternatives I think it would suit me the best. I doubt that I am going to make much of a career out of it, but I need a paycheck every week or two and I can't stand the idea of working blue collar jobs until I either get a graduate degree or start a business or do some other crazy scheme. Plus whatever scheme I go with could fall through, and I'd much rather be able to fall back on some job working on a computer and answering phones all day then just have to go back to working in a warehouse or something when I'm nearing forty. That would be decidedly un-fun.

My problem has always been my ego. I always think I am way to good at everything to be bothering with whatever job I have. That I can leave that job and move on and do something else that will make me have to try a little harder. I get too damn bored in jobs. I probably always will till I find something that really suits me. And I don't think it will be in blue collar work. Not that I have a problem with people who do work blue collar jobs, but I just can't stand it and I'll almost always find some reason to bail on those jobs before I've been there long enough to prove my worth to the company, not that it would likely make a difference if I did prove myself because I've never worked anywhere with any real future for myself. The best I could have hoped for was a job title barely above what I started at after ten years. It just always seemed like ultimately I was wasting my time.

Unfortunately I still am going to have to waste my time with those types of jobs because those are the ones that are actually calling me back right now. I just got a response from Renown saying they'd turned me down for a mail room clerk position. That was about as low in the office world as I could have found. It's an incredibly frustrating job market. There just isn't room for any one who doesn't already have an excess of experience in a field, unless the field is cleaning floors or moving boxes. I've been struggling with this for a long time, trying to make life work out the way I thought it was going to go and I haven't been able to get a hold of anything. It's only now that things are starting to look up as I've once again had to lower my standards. But I'm not going to give up on this more stable, white collar work I'm looking for. I'm trying to get a crappy temp job at a warehouse right now because I will have to go through a staffing agency to get it and in doing so I might be able to meet some people that will be able to get me the type of work I'm looking for. I guess I sort of have it coming. Like I said its my ego that gets in the way. But if I have to start at the very, very bottom just to get in there then that is what I have to do. I kept thinking that I could start a little higher up, and a couple years ago I probably could have if I had been looking to. I thought because I was smart and because I honestly am pretty goddamn good at a lot of different things that I would have no trouble getting work out of college, but it has not worked out that way. I forgot to calculate in the fact that I am just, and have always been, a weird guy. And people don't trust weird guys, at least not at first. I don't really fit into the mold of a hard working, salt of the earth type. But I also don't fit into any other type, so I'm stuck begging for scraps till I figure out exactly what it is I want and really set my mind to it.

So much of my time has been spent focusing on personal dreams and goals with really no idea of how to achieve them that I forgot that in the outside world I don't really count for anything. It has finally occurred to me that I am going to have to try a lot harder than most people if I want to succeed because I always let my own personal crap get in the way of anything.

You know, most of these posts that I make on this blog tend to be all about me figuring something out or looking at life through a slightly different set of eyes. You'd think that through all of these, through all my other writings, through all my thoughts and contemplations, that I would have had a much better hold on myself and on life in general right now. But I'm just as bad at everything as I ever have been and just as incapable of getting my shit together as I ever have been. Eventually I might figure it out, but until then I am just a bumbling idiot not really meant to live in this society.

On an unrelated note to the whole job/economy business, I was thinking about my last post and about how I was feeling when I wrote it. I remember all those emotions and how I was reacting and thinking about the girl but its almost like they all just vanished since then. I can't remember when it happened exactly, but it was probably when I fell asleep that night. Not that they are "gone gone," persay, but they are aren't nearly as powerful. It reminded me of when I was in Fallon this summer and I'd have the house to myself and I'd go out and be thinking about the dogs constantly. Wondering if they were okay, thinking I needed to get back to them soon. But then when I am in Reno I hardly think of my doggy at all. I'm sure she is happy and fine back in Fallon and that is good enough. But the emotional proximity of seeing her everyday and worrying about every little thing that is going on with her, well, it's like that with this girl. Not to compare her to a dog, but because when I am around her I just get this rush of feelings and emotions and when I am away for a little while they just all go away. I guess that this is probably what happens to most people, but I honestly don't know for sure. Out of sight, out of mind. But I figure that most people out there are probably able to maintain their feelings towards one another past a day or two. For me they just seem to disappear, become unimportant. I've noticed lately that my memory is horrible, and maybe that is part of it. But I remember another girl that I had a crush on for a long time and I thought about her all the damn time. I probably was just obsessing, but still, the feelings stayed with me. Now its like I was saying in the last post about my brain just shutting everything out. It's already happening again. I guess, ultimately, it is for the best. I don't need to have those coveted happy memories. Yes I do. I realized that was a total contradiction, but that is sort of my gimmick. I really, really want to be happy. Lately I've been in this sort of inbetween state. I'm not really depressed but I'm not happy either. I'm somewhat comfortable with myself and I'm optimistic about my future. At the same time, my present situation isn't fantastic and I do get lonely in this big apartment all by myself. I realized recently that a big part of my obsession with television comes from the fact that I really don't like being by myself as much as I thought I did. I use TV to comfort me and make me feel like there are people around when I am by myself. Plus I have an unhealthy obsession with plot and story and character development, but mostly its about feeling comfortable and letting myself escape. I know, right, that is what its for. Escapism. I just wonder, though, why it is I need to escape so often. Why I avoid people so much of the time even though I know that I am lonely a lot of the time. Some days I'll have barely talked to anyone and a somewhat chatty clerk at a store will try to start saying something in the vein of small talk and I just have nothing to say. And even though sometimes I do just want to have an interaction with this person for a few seconds I usually don't. I get very serious, in my head its all about "I just need to get through this interaction." I don't know what that is.

I realize this last section is me just self-analyzing. I realize that it probably isn't all that interesting to read for anyone but myself, but this blog has always been about putting things I don't like or understand about myself up. A sort of display box of my personality. I don't know if it really helps me to become a better person or understand myself better, but some small part of me believes that by putting it up online it will be useful at some point. Maybe somewhere down the road someone will stumble on this blog and read it for a while and realize that they have some of the same hang ups about society and themselves as I have and just knowing that someone else is out there who is basically just a boring american but with the same sort of problems they have is going to be helpful. Or not, maybe I am just being self-indulgent. I could be going on about helping starving people in Africa or fixing the health care system, but anyone can give their opinions on stuff like that. Only I can relate what it is like to be living my life. And for better or for worse, for boring or entertaining, chunks of this life are going to keep showing up here.

I just realized I've been writing for over an hour so I guess I'll hang it up now.