The Dumbest Opening Ever

When I was in Fallon over the summer I broke a wheel off of my chair. It wasn't that big of a deal since there are like seven wheels on the chair, but now that its on carpet that one broken wheel seems to find its way to the front so that every time I scoot around it makes it feel like the chair is collapsing in on itself. I could get a new chair, or I could just keep complaining about this one. The thing is its not hard to fix, I just have to stand up and move the chair slightly. Still, I find it to be the most annoying thing ever. Well, the most annoying thing ever when I am sitting at my computer. And I haven't just run out of coffee or soda or whatever else I was drinking. So really, its only the most annoying thing ever a very slim percentage of the time. Which doesn't seem to make sense but it really does if you count the fact that nothing I've ever said has made complete sense into the equation. That doesn't make it better, I suppose, just natural.

This has been a lonely week for me. I mean, a lot of weeks are lonely, but this one was really sad as I couldn't even go out for a couple of hours a day to do something. No, I just sat and watched movies and read and slept. And the next day would be the same thing all over again. I hate getting the flu. I sit around thinking about how it isn't fair then I think, well, its sort of fair. I mean, I don't have a job right now so I'm not missing work, and I would have spent most of the time in the house doing about the same thing I was doing anyway. Still, it was a pain in the ass. Plus I couldn't just drink a few beers and pass out like I can do if I am feeling bored and alone when I am not sick, since I wasn't sure if alcohol wouldn't just make me vomit all over the place with a single sip.

Still, I have started to come to peace with my situation. I have left the house for about a half hour a day to run to the store or return movies and then come back and been all by myself again. I hadn't realized how much more peaceful it can be to be by yourself when you don't expect yourself to be running around doing other stuff. Because I didn't do that much else when I was feeling well, I mean, I did more stuff obviously, but not that much more. But I always felt like I should be doing a lot more. And that desire was making me sad. Now that I don't expect to be doing anything else with my time it has opened up something. I feel a little more at peace and I feel a little more confident about myself. So I am not a social person, I've never really tried to be. I've wanted to be at times, but at the end of the day I am really just happy to be alone most of the time. Sure I would like to have someone to share my life with, but I guess I will just have to wait a while for that to happen. I'll never be able to be completely at peace with being by myself so much of the time, I don't think, but this week has taught me a few lessons about how I can enjoy solitude better.

I keep coming back to this idea that I just need purpose. I've wanted to try a bunch of different things, hell, last night I was browsing flight schools for helicopter training. But I keep coming back to the fact that things just don't work the way I want them too and I eventually tire and give up on them. So I have a new wacky scheme, one that has been in my head for a long time and one that I can do at my own pace and from the comfort of my own home. Will this, at long last, give me a sense of purpose in life? We shall see. But I have decided that for the price of a pad of post-it note I can start working on this project, and I certainly have plenty of time, so I think I will at least try. I doubt I'll succeed, but, fuck it, I really, really think it might finally be my time to get my shit together and actually produce something.

So wish me luck random internet people (although most of you are probably people I know, if anyone still reads this thing). I shall once again try to do something that by all accounts I am not qualified to do, and, if history has anything to say about it, I will surely fail.