I should be sleeping

There is a time at night, a time that occurs if I haven't really talked to anyone in a while and am getting fairly sleepy, that I feel most at ease with the universe. Not entirely at ease, just the most that I ever feel.

I should be sleeping. I just got back from Vegas last night after going to my sisters wedding. T'was a good time, but tiring. And expensive. And long. Vegas is fun for about two days at a time. At least if you are stuck on the strip the whole time. Crankiness, I'm afraid, got the better of me by the end of the journey.

We drove back from Vegas with my mom and then I had to drive up to Reno from there right afterwards. For some reason I got to thinking about what I was going to do with myself in the coming years. Probably because my sister is 29 and she just got married and almost has her doctorate and her friends have post-graduate degrees and professions. It's strange being around successful people that aren't that much older than I am. A little too strange.

For a bit I was thinking of abandoning every thing that I had wanted to do with my life and pursuing something a little safer and a little more profitable. I contemplated going to law school after college for a few years, before I graduated. I changed my mind about it, but the thought popped back in my head on that drive back into Reno. Impulsively I told myself I'd check out some schools online after I got home, but a little voice in my head told me to hang on for a few days and think it over and see if I actually want to do that. Research couldn't really hurt, but thinking about it would hurt much less.

The thing is that I can't see myself actually going to law school. I'd do well, I do believe, in law school. And I could probably pass the bar in whatever state I wanted to practice in, I mean, not now, but by the end of schooling. And I'd probably be a more competent lawyer than a lot of people out there. But I just can't see myself getting up everyday, putting on a tie, and going to an office or a court room. I can barely manage to put on clean clothes to make it to my job now. Mostly I just can't figure myself for being a nine-to-fiver for the rest of my life.

What hits me on and off from time to time is the fact that I already know exactly what job title I want to have for the rest of my life. A single word that is the culmination of every dream I've had since I was old enough to have dreams that didn't involve action figures coming to life and attacking me. All I've ever really wanted to be was a Writer. And you can throw any old word in front of the word writer, Freelance, Article, Copy, Hack, Creative, Television, Erotic, Mexican. It doesn't really make a difference. I lost sight of that in the shuffle. Got these notions that I had to be a fiction writer, had to do my little stories, had to occasionally fail to finish writing a novel, or maybe actually finish one book one day. But, fuck it, I just want to write for a living.

It's strange that I always thought of myself as sort of having to start at the top. To write something that really grabbed everyones attention and then start making money after I had already sort of made it. That isn't how it works for anything else, though. And when I compared trying to be a writer to trying to be an actor I realized that all they ever tell you is to stop bitching that you aren't famous and start working on getting out there. That's all I needed to understand. I just didn't know where the bottom was for writing. I finally figured out that it is, of course, online. And I've been writing online my entire adult life and most of my childhood, so it's probably not a bad place to start.

All I wish is that I had known earlier what it was that I needed to start doing in order to try and make it. I've never really known what to do whenever I thought of the word "career" before because I always just assumed that I'd make it as a writer or I'd fail miserably. It never occurred to me that I could find a way to work somewhere in between the two extremes. At least until I make it or until I fail. Miserably.

This probably doesn't make a lot of sense to other people. I guess I was sort of in a bit of denial as to what I should be doing with my life. I sort of let myself waste away quite a bit of time and I could never get focused on anything. I still can't stay focused on anything. At least now I can see that there is a pathway to job that I want. To a profession that has a title that makes me feel strangely complete. I can't see myself as a lawyer, but I've always seen myself as a writer. Regardless of how much writing I've ever really done. Again, it may not make a lot of sense.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have had this same dream, this same goal, this same life ambition, for so long and I never could see how it could possibly come together. But with something so small as doing some freelance writing, a job I really haven't put much time into yet or made much money on, I can suddenly see this whole new world of writing opening up. Being a writer always felt like such a pipe dream before, but now I can see some of the first places finally falling into place and the feeling of contentment I get within me makes the agony of trying to figure out what the fuck I should be doing with myself over the past few years a little easier to swallow. I haven't made it, and I might never make it, but at least I am at a point where it is starting to make sense to really go after it.

Sorry if this was a bit more rambly than normal. Honestly, I should be sleeping.