Oh, ethical dilemma, how I loath thee. Okay, so its not really an ethical dilemma, more of a spiritual one. Or something. Right now its a quarter to 11 and I need, really, really need, to go to my eight o'clock class. But I so want a diet coke right now. Really, really want diet coke. But if I drink it then I'll be up till 1 or 2 and then I'll either sleep through my class or show up and not remember a damn word that he was saying the whole time I was there. Man, this is annoying. I havn't been to that class in over a week. What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for such an early class? I know what I was thinking, but still, it doesn't change the hurt. It wouldn't have been as much of a problem if I just was able to get used to a schedual of getting up early, but when you have five days a week that the earliest you really have to get up by is one in the afternoon and only two that you have to be up early, it throws you off. I am literally on the verge of failing that class, which by all accounts should be a no-brainer of a class, because I havn't been able to get there very often. And when I do show up I'm usually still asleep, basically. Its like having a dream about being in class, only I'm fully clothed and the girl sitting next to me never actually turns into a giant spider that knits me a scarf. Although I can tell she's thinking about it.
So I'm drinking a diet coke now. And you can all just shut the hell up about it. I've run into a problem in my personal life that I can't quite seem to get perspective on. And its not my out of control cafine addiction, that I have plenty of perspective on. No, it just something that I've tried talking to several people about and I guess I havn't been able to get any leverage on it. I shouldn't bring it up since I really don't want to talk about it here, where it can be read by all, but I do bring it up because I want to talk about it a little bit, and at least talking about talking about it is something. Usually when I'm in a situation like this I can just go with a gut instinct and even if it turned out to be wrong I can feel confident that at least I tried something that didn't work out, but this time I'm just having a hard time figuring out exactly what my gut is telling me. I'm so conflicted. Its like theres a spiderweb of potential problems. Like if I remove the wrong strand the whole thing will come down. Then I think, wait, thats not how spiderwebs work, you can take out a strand and the rest of it is intact still, thats why the designed the internet around spiderwebs. So then that confuses me further. I don't know, I was trying to do some soul searching on last night and I don't really think I came to any answers. I took a shower and was thought "its been a really long time since I sung in the shower." And then thought "that is the saddest thing I've ever said." And I know I thought it and didn't say it, but thats my thought quote. Then I was sitting with my head hanging over my arms and thinking and wishing there was some sort of a sign that would lead me to an answer and I looked down, and I swear to god, the dripping water from my hair had made a perfect little frowning face on my forearm. Four smaller dots of water for the mouth with two bigger ones for the eyes. And then I moved my arm and the left "eye" ran down my arm and I watched this sad little face on my arm shed a single tear. I don't know if that was a sign, and it certainly didn't shed much light on the situation, and I know it didn't help anything.
Fuck, good lord, I was getting pissy today, and yesterday. I've just kind of been in a bad mood for the last couple of days and I think it has a lot to do with not being able to get my life moving forward. I also think it has a lot to do with finals. I hear people say how hard finals are being on them, and usually I think I hold up pretty well comparitively, but this year I've just kind of hit a wall. But I'm getting there, I've got work left to do, but I have till next monday for a big project, so that will be enough time. But good lord, I just looked at my final schedule and it came to my attention that three out of the four I still have to take are at 7:30 in the fucking morning. Three of them. Three of those mother fuckers at 7:30. And two of them are this week. Oh, that makes me feel so good, right now. Fuck. I don't have to do anything but show up for one of them, but shit, I still have to show up. The other one I have a fucking test. And a portfolio due. Such rubbish. At least I don't have to worry about the third early one till next week. That doesn't really help me all that much. But at least that one is for my 8am class, at least that one makes sense. I have to show up at 7:30 for a class that doesn't normally start till 11. Lame! God, it will be so nice to be out of this semester, it has been a pisser. It feels like its been going on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.
And ever.
I really want to be done. Maybe I'll just start staying up all night so that I can make all my early finals and I'll be wide awake since I've been up all night drinking coffee and playing video games and everyone will be all like "oh, I'm so tired" and I'll be all ready to go and I'll laugh at them for not being as cool as me. Of course, the last twenty times I've tried to pull an all-nighter I end up getting bored and tired around 3:30 then I fall asleep and sleep through my classes. So maybe that isn't the best idea. But it could work, I could start tonight, and then just go for a week on a really weird schedule and then I'd be done and it wouldn't involve me dragging my sorry ass out of bed at the break of fucking dawn. Maybe I should put some more thought into this.
We've once again come to the end of my blog. Another long rambling post. That really accomplished nothing. And pretty much just bitched about a couple of things that no one but me would ever care about. So another successful posting for me.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
This thing must be
I hate the near end of the semester. Usually by this time I've been mentally checked out for over a month and I have more crap that I have to get done than at any other point in the semester. The real pisser is when you get to that point at the end and look at everything you have left to do and you remember that you have had many of the assignments since the beginning of the semester, and the putting of them off has finally caught up with you. Like a bastard child, it always seems to find you at the worst point in your life.
Josh recommended Trans-Siberian Orchastra to me after my last post, and I'm listening to them now, and I have to say, I really am enjoying them, especailly "Mephistopheles' Return," which I am listening to now. They sort of remind me of Tenacious D, just because of that bravado and passion for something that you can tell they are just having a really good time with. It makes me smile.
I've been thinking about why I havn't had a girlfriend for so long and I got to thinking about the nature of myself and of relationships. I've become such a loner since I've gone to college, and really the seeds of lonerdom where there long before college, going back even to elementary school. But now I just don't see people as often as I used to and it makes me notice how much more time I am spending by myself. It occured to me that the reason I may not have a girlfriend was, well, the obvious not sociallizing with people, but more than that it has more to do with me never really being properly socialized. I'm kind of like a dog that was raised on the streets for the first couple years of its life then sent to live with a nice family. Even though I can adapt to the nice home environment, I still shy away from people and hide when company comes over. The dog in me still senses danger when there isn't any. I don't know, my family is a bit strange, I don't think any of us really knows any of the others. Were all isolated, and I think I picked up on that at a young age and just stayed away from lots of people, learned to be comfortable around myself. It creates problems for me when I do have problems because even though I've been trying to work on asking people to help me with my problems, I still have a very closed off nature to my emotions. I see another dog running around the neighborhood and instead of running and playing with it I hide in a closet because it might kill me over some kibble. It sounds ridiculous, and people would probably just say get over it, but its hard to fight your nature. Ironically, the reason that whenever I post a blog I'm always talking about my emotional states is because I'm trying to get more comfortable with putting myself out there. I think I've mentioned it before on here, but these blogs are more for theoropy than they are for entertainment. I hope they can be enjoyable to read, but I understand that they probably seem a little dull and repedative most of the time. Whatever, it makes me feel better about myself and more comfortable around other people so a little bit of a dull post is just something you'll have to suffer through.
I was talking to my mom yesterday and she knows I hate wal-mart and she confesses to me when she shops at wal-mart. I'm slowly getting her to stop shopping there, and tell her all my anti-wal-mart facts whenever I have a chance. But last sunday I was up in Truckee for a dinner and a study group and the lady that lived there was talking about how hard the town has fought corporate interests trying to come into the town. and how successful they have been. They had all the business people in town fighting banded together against the places coming in and they have been winning and keeping Truckee unique and local. And I realized how much I really miss independant towns. Going to fallon the first thing you see now is the wal-mart, then you pass fast food resturants and walgreens and all that other crap, and the quant little town that was fallon is now just like every other town in the world, taken over by the same shops as every other town. It makes me really sad to not see the diversity that I once could have seen going from town to town. I try to shop independant whenever I can, but my main purchases are gas, groceries, and the books. I get the books at Sundance, but where can I get groceries thats independant in reno, I ask you? And gas? there are probably independant gas stations, but even then they are just selling corporate gas. I don't know, its frusterating. Its already at a point where every town looks almost identical, and pretty soon we are just going to have one uniform city, and everywhere we go it will be exactly the same. I need to start a coallation to retake the US in the name of independance and individuality.
Josh recommended Trans-Siberian Orchastra to me after my last post, and I'm listening to them now, and I have to say, I really am enjoying them, especailly "Mephistopheles' Return," which I am listening to now. They sort of remind me of Tenacious D, just because of that bravado and passion for something that you can tell they are just having a really good time with. It makes me smile.
I've been thinking about why I havn't had a girlfriend for so long and I got to thinking about the nature of myself and of relationships. I've become such a loner since I've gone to college, and really the seeds of lonerdom where there long before college, going back even to elementary school. But now I just don't see people as often as I used to and it makes me notice how much more time I am spending by myself. It occured to me that the reason I may not have a girlfriend was, well, the obvious not sociallizing with people, but more than that it has more to do with me never really being properly socialized. I'm kind of like a dog that was raised on the streets for the first couple years of its life then sent to live with a nice family. Even though I can adapt to the nice home environment, I still shy away from people and hide when company comes over. The dog in me still senses danger when there isn't any. I don't know, my family is a bit strange, I don't think any of us really knows any of the others. Were all isolated, and I think I picked up on that at a young age and just stayed away from lots of people, learned to be comfortable around myself. It creates problems for me when I do have problems because even though I've been trying to work on asking people to help me with my problems, I still have a very closed off nature to my emotions. I see another dog running around the neighborhood and instead of running and playing with it I hide in a closet because it might kill me over some kibble. It sounds ridiculous, and people would probably just say get over it, but its hard to fight your nature. Ironically, the reason that whenever I post a blog I'm always talking about my emotional states is because I'm trying to get more comfortable with putting myself out there. I think I've mentioned it before on here, but these blogs are more for theoropy than they are for entertainment. I hope they can be enjoyable to read, but I understand that they probably seem a little dull and repedative most of the time. Whatever, it makes me feel better about myself and more comfortable around other people so a little bit of a dull post is just something you'll have to suffer through.
I was talking to my mom yesterday and she knows I hate wal-mart and she confesses to me when she shops at wal-mart. I'm slowly getting her to stop shopping there, and tell her all my anti-wal-mart facts whenever I have a chance. But last sunday I was up in Truckee for a dinner and a study group and the lady that lived there was talking about how hard the town has fought corporate interests trying to come into the town. and how successful they have been. They had all the business people in town fighting banded together against the places coming in and they have been winning and keeping Truckee unique and local. And I realized how much I really miss independant towns. Going to fallon the first thing you see now is the wal-mart, then you pass fast food resturants and walgreens and all that other crap, and the quant little town that was fallon is now just like every other town in the world, taken over by the same shops as every other town. It makes me really sad to not see the diversity that I once could have seen going from town to town. I try to shop independant whenever I can, but my main purchases are gas, groceries, and the books. I get the books at Sundance, but where can I get groceries thats independant in reno, I ask you? And gas? there are probably independant gas stations, but even then they are just selling corporate gas. I don't know, its frusterating. Its already at a point where every town looks almost identical, and pretty soon we are just going to have one uniform city, and everywhere we go it will be exactly the same. I need to start a coallation to retake the US in the name of independance and individuality.
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