A few more weeks out here and there really isn't all that much new to report. I finally made it out to one of the islands around here today. Took the ferry with my dad and his girlfriend and got lunch and rode around on rickety old bikes. My dad's and sue got here wednesday and I've been trying to keep them occupied for the last few days with things to do. I guess I knew there wasn't much to do around here but when you first have to entertain people for a couple of days you realize how simple life really is out here. It feels like a big city, but it isn't a place you would go on vacation unless you knew someone there. Or, you know, if you were me. And then you'd go live there for the hell of it.
I've just finished writing a fairly long letter to that girl I've mentioned in Reno. Instantly after I sent it I regretted it. If you've read my blogs before you will understand that "fairly long" by my definition is around seven pages. I do have a tendancy to go on. And I'm all mixed up with emotion right now. Luckily for you people I've written most of it out of my system for the moment, so this should be a decently straight forward blog.
Next week I am planning on going down to visit Zach and Paul, who is getting there sometime next week as well. If all goes as planned... actually I'm not really sure there is much of a plan. I think we were planning on going to new york. Although I have to admit that as much as I know I should go to new york and check it out, I really don't have much interest in the place. My dad was there before he came up here and it sounded like a headache trying to see the sites and just getting around in general. I drove through new york once before and the traffic was god awful and I just wanted nothing to do with the place. Its sort of like LA. Sure there is a lot there, but I don't have any interest in it. I don't understand how people can live that densly. Although it is pretty dense out here, but nothing like new york. But who knows. We'll probably go and I'll probably be like "man, this city is awesome!" and then I'll pretend that I hate it just to be all anti-anything mainstream. Even though I like a lot of things that are mainstream. But the point was to point out that I was being hypocritical, so admiting to liking other things mainstream seems to be obvious. And you might ask "how can a city be mainstream?" Well, ask someone from new york if the world revolves around the city, and they will answer with a yes. Also they will think since they are from new york the world revolves around them. I've had to deal with a lot of new yorkers up here. Well, not a lot, but a hell of a lot more than in nevada.
My apartment sucks right now. I've been keeping a lot of stuff in my car to clear up space in here and I had to move it all up here while I've been driving my dad and sue around. There isn't a ton of stuff. But there was precious little room without it in here and with it here I tend to look up from my computer and get really claustraphobic every couple of minutes. I really need to move.
Now my head hurts from staring at this screen and I want to go to bed even though I'm not tired so I think I'll get something to drink and maybe watch a movie which will also require looking at this screen but with much less white. Unless I watch a movie about snow.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
Bad Dreams
Some nights just end up feeling so restless with dreams. I won't go into detail with what I was dreaming about because most of the time people find that to be quite boring and besides I don't remember very well what I was doing. It was just a long night that had me waking up a lot trying to remember where I was and had my heart beating that I had moved back to the West at the worst possible time to be back there. That sort of upset me more as I woke up some more because for some reason my subconcious was telling me to stay away from nevada. Of course, as it was a dream, there was probably some other thing it was trying to tell me. But waking up and saying "oh thank christ I am still in Maine." was enough to get my out of bed and start my day because I couldn't deal with my brain anymore.
I finished reading "The Watchmen" by Alan Moore a couple nights ago. If you haven't read it you really, really, really should. I mean, if you have even a passing interest in superheros then I think its worth a read. It shows just how far the masked avenger ideas of comics can be taken, and how small in comparison most comics make what could be the most compelling of stories. What shocked me is that it is from the mid-eighties. Over twenty years its been around and still there is nothing that even compares to it, save perhaps for some of Alan Moore's other work. God, I so wish that guy was related to me. I mean, I know he's probably pretty nutty as a person, but carrying the same namesake as someone who I am pretty sure qualifies as a genius just makes me want to be able to say "oh yeah, he's my second cousin" or something. I have relatives in England, but they are on my mom's side of the family, so the Moore relation is lacking. But everytime I read a comic not written by him and I say "this is really good" and then I go and read one of his I'm just forced to admit that every other comic just doesn't come close. Not by a long shot. I've read a forward written by one of the artists that worked with him and he said they'd been working on two seven-page stories for Green Arrow and when the artist got the script for the comic it felt like a phone book because of the massive amount of description that he Alan worked in. It just seems to say that he really doesn't take any of this lightly. I read V for Vendetta after I saw the movie and didn't understand why what seemed like merely superfluous changes to the story would make Mr. Moore take his name off the movie, but figured it was just because League of Extraordinary Gentlemen got so fucked up by Hollywood that he was just over reacting. But I see now that it is because he knows what the hell he is doing can't stand seeing his babies get fucked over just to make a few bucks. That being said I wouldn't expect to see a "The Watchmen" movie ever, so you really ought to read it.
I finally watched Knocked Up last night. After that came out everyone was saying (well everyone as in the people in the media) that it was too impossible to believe that a guy like him would get a chick like that. That is such a goddamn stereotype. I mean, if the chick were younger than she probably wouldn't go for a guy who looked like that, but at her age that is when she would look for a guy that she thought could take care of her. That is why it was only when he took some responsibility did they really work things out. People are so hung up on looks. But I mean if you look at older couples wedding photos you will often see a sort of weird looking dude with a really hot chick. Its only because people get older and look less like they did that we think it never happens. Being good looking will help you in the short term, but for longer relationships its all about personality and compatibility. Our culture seems to be saying when it says that a guy like that could never get a chick like that that it doesn't believe in romance anymore, it really and truly only cares about looks. Period, if you don't look good you should leave society forever because no one will ever love you. Such rubbish. I was in the store yesterday and they had one of those celebrity rags and they had pictures of actresses on the beach in bikinis with big circles around the cellulite they could find near their bums or on their stomachs. They looked like women at a beach *gasp*. I think they point it out so much and mock them for it so much because people see actresses as the front line against looking like real people. If they fall, then we'll all be forced to admit that the real freaks are the super-thin people in magazines and movies. I have nothing against someone wanting to look good, but when you compare their weight and size to that of the average person than it is almost freakish. Models used to be big and curvey and busty and thin women felt out of place, then the dinamic shifted in the seventies towards the wafer-thin. You'd think that by now we'd start seeing larger women showing up more, but we don't. I don't mean obease, I just mean full bodied. Its sad that our society, and most of western society at this point, seems to think that the best looking women look like fifteen year old boys. Curves are only okay so long as there is absolutely no fat. Its just so unnatural, and quite frankly I'm just not attracted to most of these ultra-petit women.
Okay, I think that is enough of my ranting for one day.
I finished reading "The Watchmen" by Alan Moore a couple nights ago. If you haven't read it you really, really, really should. I mean, if you have even a passing interest in superheros then I think its worth a read. It shows just how far the masked avenger ideas of comics can be taken, and how small in comparison most comics make what could be the most compelling of stories. What shocked me is that it is from the mid-eighties. Over twenty years its been around and still there is nothing that even compares to it, save perhaps for some of Alan Moore's other work. God, I so wish that guy was related to me. I mean, I know he's probably pretty nutty as a person, but carrying the same namesake as someone who I am pretty sure qualifies as a genius just makes me want to be able to say "oh yeah, he's my second cousin" or something. I have relatives in England, but they are on my mom's side of the family, so the Moore relation is lacking. But everytime I read a comic not written by him and I say "this is really good" and then I go and read one of his I'm just forced to admit that every other comic just doesn't come close. Not by a long shot. I've read a forward written by one of the artists that worked with him and he said they'd been working on two seven-page stories for Green Arrow and when the artist got the script for the comic it felt like a phone book because of the massive amount of description that he Alan worked in. It just seems to say that he really doesn't take any of this lightly. I read V for Vendetta after I saw the movie and didn't understand why what seemed like merely superfluous changes to the story would make Mr. Moore take his name off the movie, but figured it was just because League of Extraordinary Gentlemen got so fucked up by Hollywood that he was just over reacting. But I see now that it is because he knows what the hell he is doing can't stand seeing his babies get fucked over just to make a few bucks. That being said I wouldn't expect to see a "The Watchmen" movie ever, so you really ought to read it.
I finally watched Knocked Up last night. After that came out everyone was saying (well everyone as in the people in the media) that it was too impossible to believe that a guy like him would get a chick like that. That is such a goddamn stereotype. I mean, if the chick were younger than she probably wouldn't go for a guy who looked like that, but at her age that is when she would look for a guy that she thought could take care of her. That is why it was only when he took some responsibility did they really work things out. People are so hung up on looks. But I mean if you look at older couples wedding photos you will often see a sort of weird looking dude with a really hot chick. Its only because people get older and look less like they did that we think it never happens. Being good looking will help you in the short term, but for longer relationships its all about personality and compatibility. Our culture seems to be saying when it says that a guy like that could never get a chick like that that it doesn't believe in romance anymore, it really and truly only cares about looks. Period, if you don't look good you should leave society forever because no one will ever love you. Such rubbish. I was in the store yesterday and they had one of those celebrity rags and they had pictures of actresses on the beach in bikinis with big circles around the cellulite they could find near their bums or on their stomachs. They looked like women at a beach *gasp*. I think they point it out so much and mock them for it so much because people see actresses as the front line against looking like real people. If they fall, then we'll all be forced to admit that the real freaks are the super-thin people in magazines and movies. I have nothing against someone wanting to look good, but when you compare their weight and size to that of the average person than it is almost freakish. Models used to be big and curvey and busty and thin women felt out of place, then the dinamic shifted in the seventies towards the wafer-thin. You'd think that by now we'd start seeing larger women showing up more, but we don't. I don't mean obease, I just mean full bodied. Its sad that our society, and most of western society at this point, seems to think that the best looking women look like fifteen year old boys. Curves are only okay so long as there is absolutely no fat. Its just so unnatural, and quite frankly I'm just not attracted to most of these ultra-petit women.
Okay, I think that is enough of my ranting for one day.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Blue Whale is never the correct answer
Wow. Sometimes I really don't have much to start one of these things out. I've tried like eight different things to start out on. Nothing seems quite right. Perhaps it is an indication that I really don't have anything interesting to say. But it is a blog and saying something interesting has never been a neccesity.
"Dear Hearts, the Coffee House is the citizen's academy, where he learns more Wit than ever his Grannum taught him." The Men's Answer to the Women's Petition against Coffee. London, 1674.
I'm having some coffee right now. There are some pictures of spiderwebs made by spiders on LSD and ones who were given caffine and the LSD is fucking perfectly semetrical and the caffine looks like a crack addict made it. 80% of people drink caffine every single day. Learning is fun!
Still, I feel the weirdness of the caffine in my system. First I get all tired then I get sort of out of it and things become harder to understand. This is only if I have a lot of coffee all at once, as I did tonight because I made a pot to break in my new mug. Yes, that is the level of excitment in this apartment right now. Breaking in the new coffee mug. And watching old movies. Well, not that old. Point Break and Children of the Corn. Not very old at all, really.
I mentioned a couple of girls last time I was on here. Nothings really happened with either of them. Actually, to be perfectly honest, nothing at all's happened with either of them. I haven't spoken to either since last I was on here and before that actually. Though I suppose something has happened with both of them, just nothing that involves me. At least not directly. I think that may be a good thing in its way. The more I think about it, the girl in Reno and I probably don't have much of a future, sad as I am to admit it. And the girl here is just a mess and I'm completely into the idea of never having to deal with her again. The thing is with the Reno girl I have a connection, we have a connection, but it just seems like maybe I was wrong in assuming it was going to go somewhere. But I guess I assumed a level of commitment from her before I even left which was sort of unfair of me. Since I told her I wanted to be with her. And we sort of agreed to wait and see what happened. But I feel like I was probably already since I've been here just a few phone calls and another date or two from falling into a bad relationship, and she can't seem to stay out of bad relationships for more than a couple of weeks. The fact that she hasn't called me back or answered my emails gives me pause and makes me wonder if she already found someone else and either doesn't think its any of my business or is afraid of telling me. Either way it doesn't bode well for me.
That's good in a way, since I did want to leave and try to start over fresh somewhere else. I've just kind of got to get her out of my system and then move on. Its a challenge, but I can't go my whole life waiting for a girl to say she's ready to be with me, I've done that before and it didn't end well. Ever. So maybe this is the final wake up call I'll need. I can do pretty well on my own, but I can't handle life completely without some companionship. And friends help with that part of my life but I think sometimes I need more. Not to mention that I've almost completely fallen out of contact with most people over the past couple of years. Its hard for me to stay in contact, mostly because I get so caught up in whatever I'm doing that I sort of let my inner life take over for most of the rest of my life. I've never been very good at taking initiative when it came to keeping in touch with people. Sure, I'd probably show up to do something if someone invited me, but I never asked other people to do stuff with me. Mostly because I was never doing much more than watching tv and movies and reading. But really I've just always liked being by myself, I think its because I don't want to be dependant on anyone else. Its not really the best way to live, but its just how I was brought up and I can't seem to break the cycle.
Buddhists are like that. They like solitude and independance and the ability to be able to take care of their mind and bodies without help. I think its to get better in touch with the zen of the world. Although I sort of think Buddhism is crap. Not the theory of it, but how can you create an organization around an idea like zen? How is that different from any other religion that tells you that if you follow a certain path you will receive (x,y,z)? Its like they were dissatisfied with organized religion and sought a different way and ended up at organization again. I guess people can't really help it. We're social and we have to create social groups to belong to. I think thats why I wonder about myself so much, since I don't really have that same desire to be part of a group. I like people, I like being around other people, but if it starts to feel too much like I'm in a group I tend to shy away from it, even when part of me wants to be an accepted member of the group.
I don't know. I could continue down this path of self-analysing what makes me dislike groups for hours. But then someone would probably find this blog and be like "yeah! I hate groups too! Lets form a club to protest groups! I'll get everyone together for the big meeting!" So I'll just let it be a sort of mystery for a while longer.
"Dear Hearts, the Coffee House is the citizen's academy, where he learns more Wit than ever his Grannum taught him." The Men's Answer to the Women's Petition against Coffee. London, 1674.
I'm having some coffee right now. There are some pictures of spiderwebs made by spiders on LSD and ones who were given caffine and the LSD is fucking perfectly semetrical and the caffine looks like a crack addict made it. 80% of people drink caffine every single day. Learning is fun!
Still, I feel the weirdness of the caffine in my system. First I get all tired then I get sort of out of it and things become harder to understand. This is only if I have a lot of coffee all at once, as I did tonight because I made a pot to break in my new mug. Yes, that is the level of excitment in this apartment right now. Breaking in the new coffee mug. And watching old movies. Well, not that old. Point Break and Children of the Corn. Not very old at all, really.
I mentioned a couple of girls last time I was on here. Nothings really happened with either of them. Actually, to be perfectly honest, nothing at all's happened with either of them. I haven't spoken to either since last I was on here and before that actually. Though I suppose something has happened with both of them, just nothing that involves me. At least not directly. I think that may be a good thing in its way. The more I think about it, the girl in Reno and I probably don't have much of a future, sad as I am to admit it. And the girl here is just a mess and I'm completely into the idea of never having to deal with her again. The thing is with the Reno girl I have a connection, we have a connection, but it just seems like maybe I was wrong in assuming it was going to go somewhere. But I guess I assumed a level of commitment from her before I even left which was sort of unfair of me. Since I told her I wanted to be with her. And we sort of agreed to wait and see what happened. But I feel like I was probably already since I've been here just a few phone calls and another date or two from falling into a bad relationship, and she can't seem to stay out of bad relationships for more than a couple of weeks. The fact that she hasn't called me back or answered my emails gives me pause and makes me wonder if she already found someone else and either doesn't think its any of my business or is afraid of telling me. Either way it doesn't bode well for me.
That's good in a way, since I did want to leave and try to start over fresh somewhere else. I've just kind of got to get her out of my system and then move on. Its a challenge, but I can't go my whole life waiting for a girl to say she's ready to be with me, I've done that before and it didn't end well. Ever. So maybe this is the final wake up call I'll need. I can do pretty well on my own, but I can't handle life completely without some companionship. And friends help with that part of my life but I think sometimes I need more. Not to mention that I've almost completely fallen out of contact with most people over the past couple of years. Its hard for me to stay in contact, mostly because I get so caught up in whatever I'm doing that I sort of let my inner life take over for most of the rest of my life. I've never been very good at taking initiative when it came to keeping in touch with people. Sure, I'd probably show up to do something if someone invited me, but I never asked other people to do stuff with me. Mostly because I was never doing much more than watching tv and movies and reading. But really I've just always liked being by myself, I think its because I don't want to be dependant on anyone else. Its not really the best way to live, but its just how I was brought up and I can't seem to break the cycle.
Buddhists are like that. They like solitude and independance and the ability to be able to take care of their mind and bodies without help. I think its to get better in touch with the zen of the world. Although I sort of think Buddhism is crap. Not the theory of it, but how can you create an organization around an idea like zen? How is that different from any other religion that tells you that if you follow a certain path you will receive (x,y,z)? Its like they were dissatisfied with organized religion and sought a different way and ended up at organization again. I guess people can't really help it. We're social and we have to create social groups to belong to. I think thats why I wonder about myself so much, since I don't really have that same desire to be part of a group. I like people, I like being around other people, but if it starts to feel too much like I'm in a group I tend to shy away from it, even when part of me wants to be an accepted member of the group.
I don't know. I could continue down this path of self-analysing what makes me dislike groups for hours. But then someone would probably find this blog and be like "yeah! I hate groups too! Lets form a club to protest groups! I'll get everyone together for the big meeting!" So I'll just let it be a sort of mystery for a while longer.
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