Christmas at Ground Zero

Right now I am listening to metal versions of christmas songs. Including such classics as "Silent Night (Rocks!)" and "Another Rock and Roll Christmas." Normally I stay away from christmas. I was really planning on doing the same thing this year, but I don't know. Last year I remember I took my last final of the semester and as I walked back to my car I felt a little light headed. By the time I got up the stairs to my apartment I was so dizzy I could barely stand up. It was about five pm and I walked in my room, fell onto my bed and slept for the next fourteen hours. I awoke feeling refreshed, not entirely, but enough to drive to fallon, where I was attending my mothers cancer surgery the next morning. We got her home after the surgery and I slept for another ten hours, waking up and trying to help my sister with my mom other things that had to be done. I was driving around town smoking as fast as I could and blasting "All Around the World" by ATC and pretending not to be sick since my mom was really the one that was sick. And she had to go back in for another surgery and I sat in the waiting room playing rummy with my dad and sister. As soon as the surgeon came in, who, by the way, looks and acts a helluva lot like The Todd on Scrubs, and let us know my mom was okay I went in and visited, then my sister went in to say hi and I got in my car and drove home, where I ended up in bed for the next week. I don't really remember christmas last year. I remember sitting by a tree and handing presents that to my family that I had unceromoniously drapped wrapping paper on since I was too tired to wrap them. I remember that as my family ate traditional christmas foods I stuggled to get down a couple of swedish fish, which by the way are not that tasty when you have to swallow them without chewing because when they get stuck to your teeth you don't have the energy to get them off. And then I slept. And I slept. And somewhere around the 29th I got up and walked downstairs and saw my mom up and around and gave her a hug and told her I was going out for a couple of hours. And I drove around listening to ATC and smoking as fast as I could and thanking christ that christmas was only once a year.

So I suppose the reason I'm not really dreading christmas this year is because I did miss it last year. But I don't know. When I was battling with the forces of christians and trying desperately to seperate myself from them I saw christmas not only as something I didn't want any part of because of the religious conotations, but I also used it as a focul point for what I saw as everything that was wrong with their religion. The pure marketing, the shop till you drop, the only time in the year when people are nice to poor people. I remember reading an article around that time that said that people were actually bitching at soup kitchens because the kitchens wouldn't let them volunteer on thanksgiving because they had too many people signed up already, and the kitchens suggestion that they come by almost any other day of the year to help out. People didn't like that idea. The point is, there is a lot wrong with the religious part of the holiday, but according to some people jesus was born in july and the only reason we celebrate it in december is because it was the big pagen, or whatever they were called, druids maybe, celebration time. So they just changed the name and said it was about christ now and to deal with it. Now I suppose thats what I'm doing. I'm just going to celebrate it and forget about the reasons other people are celebrating it and they can deal with it and I can deal with it and everyone can deal with everyhing.

This Metal Christmas album isn't very good. I was browsing around the torrents today and I came across an album called "Impeach My Bush" and the band name sounded familiar to me and I knew I had at least one or two of their songs and I downloaded it and forgot about it till it was done then threw it on and in the first song this fake gangster-rapping female voice is talking about how sex is awesome and if they don't like it they can "Impeach My Bush." Well, the genius of this, and believe me, you have no way of seeing this coming, the amazing thing was that at one point near the end of the 49 second song, they cut out the "My" so she was saying "Impeach Bush!" I tell you, I never saw that coming, no sir. Of course, after that 49 seconds of confusion I looked down the list to see what other songs of theirs I had and I remembered suddenly why the band Peaches sounded so familiar. "Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, calling me all the time... What else is in the Teaches of Peaches? Huh? What?"

You know, its pretty popular to dis the president these days, and I'm all for that, but at the same time I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with people? Honestly, he's doing the exact same thing now that he's been doing since the beginning and its only now that its getting popular to not like him? Right after 9/11 I checked some of my favorite Bush bashing sites and most of them said "this site has been taken down out of respect for blahdeeblah." I don't know how those sentances ended, I stopped reading after took down. But I was telling the computer not to do that to me. I was telling it "this is the time when we need to be most mocking Bush!" Because I knew, and I was 17 and I hadn't been paying any attention to politics for more than a year at that point, but I knew that it was going to be more important to keep the government in check back then than it would be later. Shit, if people were as pissed off at him for not preventing it instead of stanind behind him then we wouldn't be in the mess were in now, and with any luck neither kerry nor bush would be in the white house right now. But I'm as much to blame as anyone else, I suppose. I didn't start an anti-bush campaign at the time. Of course, had I done it it wouldn't have matter because no one would have been paying attention to it. Unless I really pissed people off with it and then it became a big controversy. Okay, so I should have done something back then, and it may have made a difference. And it may not, but I won't know now so all I can do is bitch. Of course, if I as a high school student with no real background in politics or journalism, and no national forum (other than the internet) to go after the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, had little chance of doing anything. But if CNN, if NBC, if all those other fuckers had been questioning him then like they were supposed to be because the media is supposed to act as a watchdog for the government then we could have stopped the Iraq invasion before it began. Fuck, on bush's watch thousands of people are killed in two of the nations biggest financial symbols and everyone lines up behind him? What is with that? Seriously, what is with that? Because it doesn't make a lot of sense. Listen, if I were in charge of graveyard security at a mall and someone drilled a whole through the wall and walked into Macy's and stole thousands of dollars worth of jewels or something people wouldn't be saying "we need to stand behind this security guard in these confusing times." Yeah, I'd be fired, or suspended, or otherwise penalized. I certainly wouldn't have the highest approval rating of my career right after it happened. God, sometimes I wonder if we humans even understand the concept of democracy. Maybe we are just followers. Something bad happens and we hide behind the guy who has the most guns. Makes sense, but it doesn't really help to create a good society.

Thinking back on where this blog started and where that last paragraph ended I realize that I'm only a few cliches away from having an Ultimate Blog. Lets see, I've already got a holiday story (which also counts as current events right now), a family sickness, a personal sickness, a political rant, and a discussion of new music. What am I missing?

So there is this girl... okay, I'm too tired to go much further with this blog joke right now to really go for the whole "girl lamenting" section. Plus, I can't really have the Ultimate Blog without talking about suicide and how I was totally snubbed at the movies by Beccy even though she was with my ex and, oh my god, did you see what she was wearing? I could have died! Oh, I know, bleh! etc. Also I need to add more :)'s. Or maybe some *<8-} (clown!). Okay, thats enough.

I want to get a suit. I don't know if I'd wear it, or when I would, but since I was in high school I've wanted a plain black suit. Something like the Blues Brothers suits. I was watching something with a guy in a plain suit and thinking how cool it would be to get one of those. One day I went into a suit store and tried one on. I couldn't afford it though. The reason I want one is because its just so simple. Black and white, narrow tie, nothing fancy, no frills, but it still looks good on almost anyone that wears it. I like things being simple.

I am tentatively happy right now. Things tend to be looking up. A hint of a more optomistic time is in the air. Many times I think of myself as the type of person that is always looking at the downside, cynically thinking about the way things are going to be. But at my core I've always been insanely optomistic. There are more times than I care to recount when I've thought that everything was going to work out just fine. The real problem is that I think that all the time and then things do work out. As much as I want to become a pessimist I just can't make myself do it. Stupid life's been too good to me. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I have some sort of romantic idea of being some cynic but in reality I'm completely the opposite. Maybe I think of the people who are always happy as crazy people. But things go my way when I need them to, and it makes me all the happier.

For some reason almost every Monday night I make coffee or drink three times the amount of soda I normally do even though I know that I have to go to bed early so that I can get up at some ungodly hour. And tonight was no exception. So I'm sitting here, already knowing that I have to be up in six hours and also knowing that I probably won't go to bed for another hour or two. I can understand morning people, they get up and get going and have the whole day ahead of them to do what makes them happy. But my best times in life are late at night. Theres a calm in the world at night that doesn't exist in the day. Its just a quiet, easy feeling. My mind wanders, I feel more like myself. I figure morning people must have times like this during the day, finding that calm in the hecticness of everything. And so I can understand not getting someone like me who likes the night. But then I wonder if we aren't just different breeds, morning people and night people. I wonder if people who enjoy the day ever really feel that same calmness that I'm feeling. That same sense of oneness with the world around them. I never really feel right unless I'm thinking abstractly about something or another, unless I can't think a sentance all the way through to the end. Even as I'm writing I'm just writing whatever the next word is, I really don't know half the time what I'm talking about, and if I try to stop and think about it I can't really keep my thoughts together and I have to start over because I won't know what I was talking about in the first place.

A song just came on my playlist that I've heard probably dozens of times over the years and I just realized that I have no idea who its by, I have no idea where it came from, and I have no idea what language its in. I think its French. I don't know though. The name of the file is just gibberish, and I don't mean its something I can't understand because its in another language I mean its gibberish. Someone playing with character map. Every letter has an umlat or an accent on it. I never really thought about how very strange it is that someone would name something like that. I don't think its French anymore. I don't know what it is. I don't think its French though.

I'm kind of fading now. It's probably for the best for me to try to get some sleep. What I hate more than anything though is laying in bed for hours and not being able to get to sleep. I hate that feeling. Thats another thing I like, not worring about going to bed at the same time everynight. If you have to get up early you have to go to bed at a certain time, but if you don't have anything to do till the afternoon you can just go to bed when it suits you to go to bed. Speaking of suits, I want a plain black one.

A posting thingy

Since I last bitched about my computer crapping out it got worse. And I paid a large fee to try to fix it. Now my computer is somewhat more functional, but it still doesn't work the way I want it to. To tell you how bad it is, I'm writing this in IE, not Firefox. Firefox does not want to work with my system anymore. Also, normally I'd be listening to my music right now, but iTunes isn't working on my computer either. I may have fixed the root of the problem for iTunes, but I havn't reinstalled it. I guess I just don't want to think that it may not work if I reinstall it. But I'll get it going soon, I suppose. No reason to not listen to music just because my computer has taken a turn for the worse.

I'm officially burnt out of school now. I've been going four days a week since early July, with only a week long break in the middle. On the up side I should be able to graduate next semester. On the downside, I hate my fucking classes. I found out I have to take two more crap classes, by which I mean low-level classes that are going to teach me what I already know and are going to bring my GPA down because I don't care enough about them to show up for class and do the homework. Mind numbing classes, thats probably a better way to describe them.

I havn't written much in the last couple of weeks. Not just here, but in my own writing. I go through phases with it. Somone came in to give a presentation about something in one of my classes today and he mentioned that he had published a book in high school and he just published another one. Its impressive, no doubt, but there are just those people out there I guess. The thing it got me thinking about is if I'm ever going to really be one of those people that can actually write something and put everything into it and really create something. This person, who was probably about the same age as me, had all ready put the time into creating two books, and I just wondered if I was ever going to have that dedication. Maybe not. I don't know, I'd like to think I do. I hope that I'm just not there yet. I hope that I'll get there.

Lately whenever anyone starts asking me what I want to do after college I tell them that I want to open a comic book shop. I don't know if I ever will open a shop, but it is something that I have thought about doing since I was in junior high. My mom told me that she heard some where that when you have a big commitment sort of idea that you should let it nest inside of you for 9 months and then see if you still want to go through with it. I've wanted to do it for, lets say, 10 years now, so I guess I should have made a decision on it by now. But in reality it was never anything that I could put any serious consideration into until recently. Something about graduation being around the corner got me thinking about it in real terms. Getting a business plan, getting the money, getting a location, getting the comics. Since it seems like a much more possible reality I have decided to give it the nine months that my mom suggested, mostly because I'll still be in college for about six months anyway. I don't know how to really think about it really. I mention it to random people sometimes just to see what sort of reaction I get. Most people seem impressed, or surprised. But mostly positive feedback. So who knows, maybe next year we'll all be hanging out at my shop and I'll be telling you all to buy something or get out.

So since that last paragraph I have reinstalled iTunes, and it is working pretty well, although there is some strange lag going on. I think it will take care of itself in the next few moments. There it goes.

Did you know that Boy scouts have Copywrite Protection Merit Badges now? I wonder if they are trying to institutionalize children? Probably not, maybe its just a coincidence.

If you have some time to relax coming up I would suggest that you pick up a copy of "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay" by Michael Chabon. It is currently in contention for my favorite book, I would need to reread both of them to really decide (my current favorite is Catch-22, which I also suggest everyone reads). On a side note, I just checked on Amazon and they have tons of used copies of Kavalier and Clay as low as $1.37, so you really can't go wrong. Anyway, go forth, read!