I really don't think I'm going to go to school tommorow. Today, I guess, whatever, wednesday. I only have classes three days a week so I feel kind of bad about not going, which is probaby why I havn't missed any class yet, but its starting to get to a point where I feel that if I keep showing up every class I'm going to go nuts. I don't really know why that is. I want to blame it on laziness, but I don't really think thats it. Its just stress, I think, getting there and participating in discussions and trying to take part in something that I don't really feel a part of. I was thinking about why they give us a month off in the winter and three months in the summer and why professors take a year off every seven years and I realized that there is a lot more stress involved in the academic world than it seems like there should be. I wonder what that is. Maybe its just all the time you have to spend working away from the school, and then just being there around a lot of other people that are getting progressively more and more stressed as time goes on. Spring break is when were supposed to take a moment to relax. I used to think it was almost silly since I would rather have just gotten out of school a week earlier, but now it makes more sense. I think thats why so many people in the business world have to change professions every ten years or so, and why they have tendancies to just sort of freak out after a while. Its the same thing really, your at work or your at home working on work stuff or thinking about it and you stress yourself out and then you go to work where everyone else is in the same mindset. Of course they don't get all the time off that college students get. Really I'm surprised there aren't more office shot outs, it seems like a lot of people would get to that point. Not that I think its a good thing or anything, but I'm just saying that it seems like it would happen. But maybe the world of business is less stressful than study. I mean, in business its the same thing over and over everyday, so its more boring but at the same time less taxing since you know exactly what is expected of you and you know how long everything takes, etc. So maybe thats why people can deal with those types of jobs a lot. but there is the stress, i don't know. I'm just talking in circles now, trying to figure it all out.
I've been a little freaked out lately about this whole graduation thing. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. I want to move, go somewhere new and exciting. Or at least new. I have this vision of myself in a little house just outside a small town somewhere. I don't know what I'd do for work in this situation, but it sounds nice. Small and cozy and comfortable. I could just get a cheap place and work in a diner or something and focus my real attention on getting something written and published. I was looking at job postings for college grads and there wasn't a single thing that I could find that really appealed to me. Maybe I was just looking in the wrong spot, but I've spent a couple of years thinking about what I was going to do once out of college and I've come to the conclusion that there really isn't any job out there that I know of that I'd actually be willing to do. I say I could work in a diner because if I'm not going to like what I'm doing I want to have the least amount of responsibility. Also, I like the idea of me being in a little small town diner, just being part of the background in a little community. I don't know why that appeals to me so much. I've also thought about moving to England to do the same thing, just with more british accents. I'm not sure if thats going to work out, but, hell, i could call the whole thing a cultural experience if I did it that way.
Fuck, I don't know. graduating, its a thorn in my side. I've never really made a big life decision before. I mean, not really. In high school I always took for granted I was going to college. I took for granted I was going to UNR, I didn't even apply anywhere else. I don't know what my GPA from high school was, or my ACT or SAT scores, those numbers were never important to me because I didn't have any real significance. They were just things that I did without thinking about it that lead me into reno to go to school at unr. I chose my major, but a major isn't really that big of a deal, I don't think. It can make a difference if you have a real solid idea of where you are going, but if you dont than almost anything will do, all thats important is the degree, the type is negligable. So now suddenly I'm realizing that I have to make a choice that is really going to affect where I go from here. And I have no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do with that sort of responsibility. And I am tempted to think that my idea of going to a small town and taking a job with no responsibility is a non-choice. But then I think, hey, I'll have a college degree, and I'll be going to paupers way, I'll be living life close to the bottom in order to reach for the stars, as it were. I think if I choose to go with a more career oriented job type then I am going to get stuck in it and before long I'll be middle-aged and wondering what the hell ever happened to my hopes from when I was my age. I really don't want to look back in thirty years with a lot of regret. And even if I do end up with that business career model at some point in my life, a few years to figure shit out is just what I need. Hell, its what most people do when they get out of college, another one of those little cliches. The decision is a lot harder from the first person. From an outside perception it seems so easy, I've guess I always assumed I'd go on a little soul-searching journey after college, but actually getting ready for such an adventure is driving me nuts. But I suppose I really did make this choice a long time ago, now I'm just freaking out because I'm realizing that I'm going to have to go down a road that I'm not familiar with at all. But it will work out, I'll be just fine.
There are a lot of odd little moments in your day that make you wonder about the nature of yourself. Not in a spiritual way, but just as a self that other people perceive, more accuratly, how they perceive you. I've had several moments in the last couple of days that have called into question who I am in other peoples minds, what type of person they see me as. I don't know if my brain is just reading into everything, and strangly at that, but I'm getting a lot of weird readings lately. A level of, dare I say, respect, from people I didn't really expect it from. I don't know, I'm starting to feel a little more confident in myself, which is a strange feeling, and I like it.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Rambling man
Sometimes I feel like I'm not really living right now. Like I'm just looking back on this moment from some time in the future, but its so vivid. And so dull at times. Why would I be remembering this? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a sitcom. Weird little things that I can easily overreact to happen. Then the rest of my time is down time. If you condense everything down to part of a half hour show half the weeks out of the year its more than enough. Maybe I'm really only alive for a few minutes every week. Maybe the rest of my life is just filler. Maybe I'm sitting somewhere right now watching the clips of my life. Maybe I'm just remembering what supposedly happened inbetween. How do I know that any of the rest of it really happened? How do I know when I am on camera? How can I tell when I am only alive in my mind?
I'm not trying to be philosophical, really. I'm not trying to get at a higher truth, really, anymore than I am trying to understand my existence as it is right at this moment. I suppose that really is a higher truth than anything else I could be thinking or writing about. How do I know that I didn't already write this? I feel like I am writing it, yet in a few minutes I will only have the memory of writing it. How do I know I'm not just remembering it right now? Maybe I am philosophisizing, I suppose I am, theres really no other word for it. What if this is the first moment of existence? A little out of what I was just speaking of, but it relates, since then everything that I am remembering now about my life is a false construct, and so this familiar feeling of typing is actually a completely new experience for me. But what if existence hasn't even started yet? What if this is only part of my backstory. Sometimes I think of myself as a character in a book. We think we understand this character and we sometimes get a lot of their past, but did that past every happen? Would the character remember all those little events that get left out of the book, would they just fill those in? Is that what I am doing? Or have I already done that, maybe my story has started already, and I am only thinking what the author told me to think? Or what they think I should be thinking? Why am I thinking philosophically right now? Is it because someone in some meta-dimension is telling me to think about it, or they think I am thinking about it? Maybe I am only thinking this because someone else is thinking it. When I write characters I sometimes wonder how they would feel about it. I guess this was the plot of that Will Ferral movie from last year. What was that called? Whatever, its still an interesting question. I suppose I should watch it and get their take on it. Stranger Than Fiction. Thats what it was called.
I remember when I was around ten or so and almost falling completly apart in the shower one day as I contemplated my own existence. I had to talk myself into believing I still existed. I didn't really mention it to anyone at the time, but thinking back on it, if in fact it actually happened, it occurs to me that it was the one of the first in how I perceive the world. I was thinking today about when I found out there was no Santa. Sometimes I think of that as a critical point in my life. I think it was the first time when I was a kid that I had to figure out what was real and what was not. I had to figure out how to prove to myself what was there and what wasn't. I don't think I ever really figured out how to do that. I don't really study philosophy though. I'm in a class right now and I don't even really like it all that much. I've never been that great of a student. I think too abstractly for scholastic studies. And I have a tendancy towards laziness that has prevented me from really getting into studies that I should have been doing for a long time. This is somewhat off topic. I think its the way my brain works, how I think, that keeps me from being able to interact that well in this world. I have a tendancy to disbelieve in almost anything, anything that I believe could be santa. It could all come crumbling down around me. But at the same time I have a strong feeling that I'm doing something that relates more to fate, that there is some sort of guiding principle in my life. I think in stereotypes. I am a stereotype in a lot of ways. Its a strange way to live. No matter what I do I can ask myself "why am I doing this? Would my stereotype have done that?" and I often realize that the answer is yes. Why do I have long hair? I grew it out because I wanted to, but the more time I spend thinking about it I realize I didn't really have a reason to do it, and that having it puts more closer to that comic-book-guy stereotype I have put myself into. So I was thinking I could move away from the comics and into other things, literature and what have ye. Of course, there are people living in the world of literature that were at points just like me. I am a cliche. I mentioned my life was a novelty act in my last post, or did I? Maybe I wrote that somewhere else, I can't remember, but I said it, wrote it down. Well its not true. Because novelty implies something new, something slightly different, but it also implies a sense of unimportance, of purposelessness. Maybe in that way I am a novelty act, but in the other sense I am not, I am not new and different, but my experience is different, however slightly. So it is a novelty for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I havn't lived in a world of stereotypes before. I often feel like I've just left this world and come back in different forms. Something akin to reincarnation. I've lived the life of every stereotype. I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel of possibilities now, perhaps. In my version time is not so static, I can come back at any time, I could have lived through these times a hundred times before. With no memory it might as well have never happened. What about false memory? Does it matter if it happened if I think it happened? Does it really not matter if I don't think something happened? I suppose on both sides it matters if it happened or not. But on both sides the real things that matter are what I feel happened. Truthiness. If I can't perceive it it may be real but does it matter? There are too many questions here. I want to provide myself with answers, but there are none to be had, at least not yet. I feel like if I completely accept myself from an outside viewpoint, see myself for the wholeness that I am, then I can break my mold, go outside what I would normally be compelled to do. So far I am simply following the instincts inside of me, moving blindly towards a destination I'm not sure of. I can see the future, at least my future, if I only understand where I am right now in relation to it. If I could see how every particle is moving and where it is going then I could see the future. Humans are predictable creatures. I am predictable, I am following a mold that was set out long before I got here. There has to be a way to break it, but in order to do that I must discover how I got into it in the first place. And to fully break it I must fully accept that it is there, I must no longer feel that I am acting as an independant person but rather as an organism that is following prescribed instincts. All animals have something that tells them how to act, how to survive. But what when you don't think that just surviving is enough? What happens when you want to make something of life that transcends everything that you ever thought you could do? Maybe I just need to stop and to think more often. Maybe I just need to take action. And maybe I have already started to break free of my mold, simply by acknowledging that it is there.
I'm not trying to be philosophical, really. I'm not trying to get at a higher truth, really, anymore than I am trying to understand my existence as it is right at this moment. I suppose that really is a higher truth than anything else I could be thinking or writing about. How do I know that I didn't already write this? I feel like I am writing it, yet in a few minutes I will only have the memory of writing it. How do I know I'm not just remembering it right now? Maybe I am philosophisizing, I suppose I am, theres really no other word for it. What if this is the first moment of existence? A little out of what I was just speaking of, but it relates, since then everything that I am remembering now about my life is a false construct, and so this familiar feeling of typing is actually a completely new experience for me. But what if existence hasn't even started yet? What if this is only part of my backstory. Sometimes I think of myself as a character in a book. We think we understand this character and we sometimes get a lot of their past, but did that past every happen? Would the character remember all those little events that get left out of the book, would they just fill those in? Is that what I am doing? Or have I already done that, maybe my story has started already, and I am only thinking what the author told me to think? Or what they think I should be thinking? Why am I thinking philosophically right now? Is it because someone in some meta-dimension is telling me to think about it, or they think I am thinking about it? Maybe I am only thinking this because someone else is thinking it. When I write characters I sometimes wonder how they would feel about it. I guess this was the plot of that Will Ferral movie from last year. What was that called? Whatever, its still an interesting question. I suppose I should watch it and get their take on it. Stranger Than Fiction. Thats what it was called.
I remember when I was around ten or so and almost falling completly apart in the shower one day as I contemplated my own existence. I had to talk myself into believing I still existed. I didn't really mention it to anyone at the time, but thinking back on it, if in fact it actually happened, it occurs to me that it was the one of the first in how I perceive the world. I was thinking today about when I found out there was no Santa. Sometimes I think of that as a critical point in my life. I think it was the first time when I was a kid that I had to figure out what was real and what was not. I had to figure out how to prove to myself what was there and what wasn't. I don't think I ever really figured out how to do that. I don't really study philosophy though. I'm in a class right now and I don't even really like it all that much. I've never been that great of a student. I think too abstractly for scholastic studies. And I have a tendancy towards laziness that has prevented me from really getting into studies that I should have been doing for a long time. This is somewhat off topic. I think its the way my brain works, how I think, that keeps me from being able to interact that well in this world. I have a tendancy to disbelieve in almost anything, anything that I believe could be santa. It could all come crumbling down around me. But at the same time I have a strong feeling that I'm doing something that relates more to fate, that there is some sort of guiding principle in my life. I think in stereotypes. I am a stereotype in a lot of ways. Its a strange way to live. No matter what I do I can ask myself "why am I doing this? Would my stereotype have done that?" and I often realize that the answer is yes. Why do I have long hair? I grew it out because I wanted to, but the more time I spend thinking about it I realize I didn't really have a reason to do it, and that having it puts more closer to that comic-book-guy stereotype I have put myself into. So I was thinking I could move away from the comics and into other things, literature and what have ye. Of course, there are people living in the world of literature that were at points just like me. I am a cliche. I mentioned my life was a novelty act in my last post, or did I? Maybe I wrote that somewhere else, I can't remember, but I said it, wrote it down. Well its not true. Because novelty implies something new, something slightly different, but it also implies a sense of unimportance, of purposelessness. Maybe in that way I am a novelty act, but in the other sense I am not, I am not new and different, but my experience is different, however slightly. So it is a novelty for me.
Sometimes I wonder if I havn't lived in a world of stereotypes before. I often feel like I've just left this world and come back in different forms. Something akin to reincarnation. I've lived the life of every stereotype. I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel of possibilities now, perhaps. In my version time is not so static, I can come back at any time, I could have lived through these times a hundred times before. With no memory it might as well have never happened. What about false memory? Does it matter if it happened if I think it happened? Does it really not matter if I don't think something happened? I suppose on both sides it matters if it happened or not. But on both sides the real things that matter are what I feel happened. Truthiness. If I can't perceive it it may be real but does it matter? There are too many questions here. I want to provide myself with answers, but there are none to be had, at least not yet. I feel like if I completely accept myself from an outside viewpoint, see myself for the wholeness that I am, then I can break my mold, go outside what I would normally be compelled to do. So far I am simply following the instincts inside of me, moving blindly towards a destination I'm not sure of. I can see the future, at least my future, if I only understand where I am right now in relation to it. If I could see how every particle is moving and where it is going then I could see the future. Humans are predictable creatures. I am predictable, I am following a mold that was set out long before I got here. There has to be a way to break it, but in order to do that I must discover how I got into it in the first place. And to fully break it I must fully accept that it is there, I must no longer feel that I am acting as an independant person but rather as an organism that is following prescribed instincts. All animals have something that tells them how to act, how to survive. But what when you don't think that just surviving is enough? What happens when you want to make something of life that transcends everything that you ever thought you could do? Maybe I just need to stop and to think more often. Maybe I just need to take action. And maybe I have already started to break free of my mold, simply by acknowledging that it is there.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
V.D. (The Good Kind?)
Its official. I'm 22 and never have I had a date on valentines day. Its a little past midnight, making it the fifteenth, though I wasn't holding out much real hope since around the eighth. Well, fuck it. The only real reason that this upsets me is because valentines day (or V.D. Day, which is great not only because it repeats "day" but also because it sounds like V.E. Day. Also, Venereal Disease Day, which is also hilarious, in a really stupid sort of way) is the one day out of the year that I would really have a chance to be able to pull off the whole romantic persona thing. I know that I will never be the type of guy that is all fruity and emotional and can really get the women swooning. But on just this one day out of the year every guy is given a chance. Every cliche in the book works wonderfully today. Start out with some flowers and chocolate, move on to the candle lit dinner, champaign, maybe a gift of some sort of jewlery. We tend to think of valentines day as a day created by card companies for women. But I believe that secretly it was created in some darkened basement by a group of men, who knew, knew it through and through, that they had absolutely no idea how to romance women. So for one day, 24 short hours, they conspired to make every lame idea a man has ever had to win a girl over a reality. Its sort of a mystical day in that. Even the most socially inept men out there can't help but succeed on this one day. Well, maybe not the most socially inept, i.e. me, since I am sitting here writing this when the rest of the world is ...in bed.
I bought some easter candy today. You know, shake it up a bit.
Normally on Wednesdays cheb and I go out for dinner, but today I got out of one of my classes and went to the store and ate earlier. I thought at the time that I was only eating because I was insanely hungery. But, upon reflection, something about going out with cheb to dinner on V.D. Day didn't sound like the best of ideas. No offense to cheb, I just don't think I could handle making a lot of stupid jokes whilst couples around us were all romantic. I think it would have put me into some sort of shame spiral. Or I would have punched some jerk out. It would have been funny, but wrong!
I don't know, V.D. Day isn't really getting to me that much. I don't really feel like I am missing out on too much on days like this, a lot of work and spending of money to impress someone that is either supposed to be already impressed by me or someone that I no longer should have to impress. But still, it gets my brain thinking, is this how its going to be next year? And the next? Fuck it, no sense worring about it now, after all, I have a whole other year to work that shit out.
I bought some easter candy today. You know, shake it up a bit.
Normally on Wednesdays cheb and I go out for dinner, but today I got out of one of my classes and went to the store and ate earlier. I thought at the time that I was only eating because I was insanely hungery. But, upon reflection, something about going out with cheb to dinner on V.D. Day didn't sound like the best of ideas. No offense to cheb, I just don't think I could handle making a lot of stupid jokes whilst couples around us were all romantic. I think it would have put me into some sort of shame spiral. Or I would have punched some jerk out. It would have been funny, but wrong!
I don't know, V.D. Day isn't really getting to me that much. I don't really feel like I am missing out on too much on days like this, a lot of work and spending of money to impress someone that is either supposed to be already impressed by me or someone that I no longer should have to impress. But still, it gets my brain thinking, is this how its going to be next year? And the next? Fuck it, no sense worring about it now, after all, I have a whole other year to work that shit out.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Uncomfortable conversations with strangers
This semester is already starting to take its toll. And if we don't get no tolls we don't get no rolls. See what I mean? I can't even keep a coherat thought together for longer than a sentance. I do like spring rolls.
I am a fucking idiot. There, I said it. Paul was right all along. I finally had an opening and got to talking to a girl I've been angling for a reason to talk to for the last couple of weeks and suddenly I found myself standing in an elevator realizing I had blown my chance. Fuck, I've never been very good at flirting, and she was probably out of my leauge. Hopefully when the next oppurtunity like that comes up I won't make the same mistake. Knowing me I probably will.
Right now I should be writing something other than this. I'm working on this story that I think is going well but it is taking forever. I have no idea where to go in the story now. I was planing on turning it in tommorow, but now it looks like I'm going to have to turn something else in. The problem is that I feel that my writing has become something of a novelty act. What I'm working on has more substance, but its not ready! If only I had another week. So of course now I have to turn in another novelty act. My life is a novelty act.
I'm getting tired of getting shaken out of sleep by explosions. The fucking construction crew is still blowing rocks right outside our apartment. This morning the first thought that went through my mind as I woke up was "that was a big one." Then, in my tiredness, I thought "this is like living in a war zone," of course I corrected myself since there was virtually no chance of the explosion coming for me here. But I thought about what it would be like to be woken to explosions, much bigger ones, in a war zone. Then I sort of drifted back to sleep but I realized that that would really suck. I was wearing my WAR t-shirt (its a band shirt) the other day and was asked why I was supporting war. Its a good shirt, like someone that supports any war is just going to wear a shirt that says WAR. Thats right. War. I fucking love it. Why else would I wear this shirt. I don't even care what war. 1812, Civil War, Spanish-American, fuck it, bring it on mother-fucker. Its all good.
I wonder if mother-fucker really is a hyphenate or if it should be just one word, probably two seperate words. I'm not going to look it up though.
My mind is completely blank when I try to think of anything else to say. So the end, I guess.
I am a fucking idiot. There, I said it. Paul was right all along. I finally had an opening and got to talking to a girl I've been angling for a reason to talk to for the last couple of weeks and suddenly I found myself standing in an elevator realizing I had blown my chance. Fuck, I've never been very good at flirting, and she was probably out of my leauge. Hopefully when the next oppurtunity like that comes up I won't make the same mistake. Knowing me I probably will.
Right now I should be writing something other than this. I'm working on this story that I think is going well but it is taking forever. I have no idea where to go in the story now. I was planing on turning it in tommorow, but now it looks like I'm going to have to turn something else in. The problem is that I feel that my writing has become something of a novelty act. What I'm working on has more substance, but its not ready! If only I had another week. So of course now I have to turn in another novelty act. My life is a novelty act.
I'm getting tired of getting shaken out of sleep by explosions. The fucking construction crew is still blowing rocks right outside our apartment. This morning the first thought that went through my mind as I woke up was "that was a big one." Then, in my tiredness, I thought "this is like living in a war zone," of course I corrected myself since there was virtually no chance of the explosion coming for me here. But I thought about what it would be like to be woken to explosions, much bigger ones, in a war zone. Then I sort of drifted back to sleep but I realized that that would really suck. I was wearing my WAR t-shirt (its a band shirt) the other day and was asked why I was supporting war. Its a good shirt, like someone that supports any war is just going to wear a shirt that says WAR. Thats right. War. I fucking love it. Why else would I wear this shirt. I don't even care what war. 1812, Civil War, Spanish-American, fuck it, bring it on mother-fucker. Its all good.
I wonder if mother-fucker really is a hyphenate or if it should be just one word, probably two seperate words. I'm not going to look it up though.
My mind is completely blank when I try to think of anything else to say. So the end, I guess.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Career Day
I awoke from a series of strange dreams to find myself thinking about Alan Moore and a new Leauge of Extrodanary Gentlemen. Not the movie, the comics, which were fantastic, though highly disturbing. Much like the dream. Sometimes I get good ideas that would require me to steal concepts from much more talented writers in order to achieve. Maybe I'll just find a way to write him with my idea.
I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Everyonce in a while it occurs to me that this is my last semester at school and I have no idea what I am doing later. In a way it seems like its a good thing. I compare it here to marrying your high school sweetheart. You may fall in love and then move in together and a few years later you are laying in a bed with a woman you know better than she knows herself and yet you just aren't feeling the attraction there anymore as you realize that the boy that fell in love with her in high school is very different from the man you have become in the years since. And the two of you just aren't right for each other anymore. Thats how I feel about trying to decide what to do with my life. How do I know I am going to want to be doing anything I might want to be doing now in a couple of years? I often think about what type of person I am going to be at 30, I imagine that this 22 year old version of me and the 30 year old version are going to be very different people, as I already feel a lot of disconnect from who I was in high school, and that wasn't even 5 years ago. A constant in all of this is that I still want to write, but unfortunately that just isn't a career I can jump right into. I have to be good, and I have to get a little lucky, and even if I got to be fairly well known I may still not be making enough straight off the writing to only do that. I guess thats what I'm trying to figure out. What do I want my backup career to be while I work on my "real" career?
For a while I thought that I would probably just put on a suit and tie and go in for some interviews and get an office job. There is a level of office work that I don't really mind doing, that sort of mindless pushing of buttons. But then I had to take this Information Systems class and I have to work with all of these Microsoft Office programs and, although some of you may not believe it, I really don't get really angry all that much more anymore. I used to get pissed off at almost everything, but now, now I'm a lot calmer, choosing snide remarks and sarcasm about things I don't like rather than anger. Yet those fucking office programs had me wanting to punch out my monitor and storm out of the house. And I've only spent a couple of hours using them so far. If I had to deal with those things, and phone calls, and other employees, and all that other office related crap, I think I would turn into one of those guys that was always just shaking with anger and everyone in the office was sure I was walking through that front door one day with a machine gun. Do they even still make machine guns? I mean, I call a machine gun anything that shots a lot of bullets rapidly, but I think they only make, like, asault rifles now a days. Machine gun sounds a lot cooler, and scarier, yeah, just walk in there with a tommy gun, now thats a weapon. What was I talking about? Yeah, I don't think I would be actually any threat to my coworkers, but I would think now that I could last maybe a week before I just stood up and walked out and never came back. Not to mention I am developing an affinity for quitting. I almost want to take a job just so that I can quit.
So I have no idea what I am going to do. I was thinking about that Comic Book shop but I have a problem with commiting myself to one store, one town, for at least ten years right out of college. I think I might want to move around a little, find a town or a city somewhere that I really like being in and then set up shop there. Reno and I have had a good long run, its time for me to be hittin' that dusty trail.
I wouldn't mind working on movies. But I don't want to live in LA. Thats problamatic. I mean, I wouldn't mind being a peon in the movie business for a while and trying to work my way up, but I don't think that I could handle doing it in LA. Just not worth it to me. Or I could be an astronaut. No, actually I couldn't. It kind of sucks wanting to have a career in the creative fields because you have to be realistic and know that you aren't going to just get right in on it. It takes some time, you need those other jobs. I'm restating this for some reason I havn't thought out. You know, there are really only three types of jobs that I would probably be qualified for, White Collar (low-level), Blue Collar (low-level), and Retail (low-level). Maybe I'll get a job as a waiter in a fancy resturant. You have less tables to worry about and since the food is more expensive the tips even out to really busy resturants, and sometimes could be a lot better. I'd have to be really nice to people, that could be a problem. I think I could pull it off, I'm usually nice to people, even people I don't like, not really because I think I should treat everyone the way I want to be treated or some crap like that but rather because I discovered that it is a hell of a lot easier to be nice to annoying, strange people and then polietly excuse yourself from their company. If you try to get rid of them by being a dick it just makes them angry and the whole situation gets out of control. So I just exchange a few words, ask them a question or two, and then pretend to get a phone call or something. So, point being, I could probably get a job as a waiter, I think I've got the attitude down. But that isn't something that I would want to do for more than a year or maybe two at the most anyway, so that is problamatic. I don't know, I just don't know. It seems like there should be some sort of field that I wouldn't mind working in and that I would be willing to go into for a while after college, but I really just keep coming up blank. I think I just don't want to work. I need to work out a way to do that. Maybe I'll get an online job, sell adspace or something. Well, thats sort of an office job. Son of a bitch.
I've got nothing. I'm going to go now.
I have no idea what I am going to do with my life. Everyonce in a while it occurs to me that this is my last semester at school and I have no idea what I am doing later. In a way it seems like its a good thing. I compare it here to marrying your high school sweetheart. You may fall in love and then move in together and a few years later you are laying in a bed with a woman you know better than she knows herself and yet you just aren't feeling the attraction there anymore as you realize that the boy that fell in love with her in high school is very different from the man you have become in the years since. And the two of you just aren't right for each other anymore. Thats how I feel about trying to decide what to do with my life. How do I know I am going to want to be doing anything I might want to be doing now in a couple of years? I often think about what type of person I am going to be at 30, I imagine that this 22 year old version of me and the 30 year old version are going to be very different people, as I already feel a lot of disconnect from who I was in high school, and that wasn't even 5 years ago. A constant in all of this is that I still want to write, but unfortunately that just isn't a career I can jump right into. I have to be good, and I have to get a little lucky, and even if I got to be fairly well known I may still not be making enough straight off the writing to only do that. I guess thats what I'm trying to figure out. What do I want my backup career to be while I work on my "real" career?
For a while I thought that I would probably just put on a suit and tie and go in for some interviews and get an office job. There is a level of office work that I don't really mind doing, that sort of mindless pushing of buttons. But then I had to take this Information Systems class and I have to work with all of these Microsoft Office programs and, although some of you may not believe it, I really don't get really angry all that much more anymore. I used to get pissed off at almost everything, but now, now I'm a lot calmer, choosing snide remarks and sarcasm about things I don't like rather than anger. Yet those fucking office programs had me wanting to punch out my monitor and storm out of the house. And I've only spent a couple of hours using them so far. If I had to deal with those things, and phone calls, and other employees, and all that other office related crap, I think I would turn into one of those guys that was always just shaking with anger and everyone in the office was sure I was walking through that front door one day with a machine gun. Do they even still make machine guns? I mean, I call a machine gun anything that shots a lot of bullets rapidly, but I think they only make, like, asault rifles now a days. Machine gun sounds a lot cooler, and scarier, yeah, just walk in there with a tommy gun, now thats a weapon. What was I talking about? Yeah, I don't think I would be actually any threat to my coworkers, but I would think now that I could last maybe a week before I just stood up and walked out and never came back. Not to mention I am developing an affinity for quitting. I almost want to take a job just so that I can quit.
So I have no idea what I am going to do. I was thinking about that Comic Book shop but I have a problem with commiting myself to one store, one town, for at least ten years right out of college. I think I might want to move around a little, find a town or a city somewhere that I really like being in and then set up shop there. Reno and I have had a good long run, its time for me to be hittin' that dusty trail.
I wouldn't mind working on movies. But I don't want to live in LA. Thats problamatic. I mean, I wouldn't mind being a peon in the movie business for a while and trying to work my way up, but I don't think that I could handle doing it in LA. Just not worth it to me. Or I could be an astronaut. No, actually I couldn't. It kind of sucks wanting to have a career in the creative fields because you have to be realistic and know that you aren't going to just get right in on it. It takes some time, you need those other jobs. I'm restating this for some reason I havn't thought out. You know, there are really only three types of jobs that I would probably be qualified for, White Collar (low-level), Blue Collar (low-level), and Retail (low-level). Maybe I'll get a job as a waiter in a fancy resturant. You have less tables to worry about and since the food is more expensive the tips even out to really busy resturants, and sometimes could be a lot better. I'd have to be really nice to people, that could be a problem. I think I could pull it off, I'm usually nice to people, even people I don't like, not really because I think I should treat everyone the way I want to be treated or some crap like that but rather because I discovered that it is a hell of a lot easier to be nice to annoying, strange people and then polietly excuse yourself from their company. If you try to get rid of them by being a dick it just makes them angry and the whole situation gets out of control. So I just exchange a few words, ask them a question or two, and then pretend to get a phone call or something. So, point being, I could probably get a job as a waiter, I think I've got the attitude down. But that isn't something that I would want to do for more than a year or maybe two at the most anyway, so that is problamatic. I don't know, I just don't know. It seems like there should be some sort of field that I wouldn't mind working in and that I would be willing to go into for a while after college, but I really just keep coming up blank. I think I just don't want to work. I need to work out a way to do that. Maybe I'll get an online job, sell adspace or something. Well, thats sort of an office job. Son of a bitch.
I've got nothing. I'm going to go now.
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