Classy Class-A, Eh?

To start with, you are not going to be addressing me as Deputy Moore anytime soon. Which is good, because that was the first time I wrote it down that way or even thought of it that way and it looks really weird.

I've got a bit over a week left at work now. And I've got almost no money left. Neither of these things worry me all that much. Not because I feel like it will all work out, I hope it will, but I don't know. But mostly because I'd rather be broke then miserable. Something happened to me as soon as I started working there. I'm not always the happiest guy in the world, but I didn't realize that as shitty as I felt at times I wasn't completely miserable.

I was feeling bad for myself the last couple of days, though. I found out I wasn't getting the job and then went out with Carl to hang out in lively downtown fallon and even though the night wasn't that bad, I got drunk enough that I had to call off my 4pm shift because I knew I wasn't going to be able to make it. Which worked out well because I slept till about 6 in the afternoon. Then went back to sleep at midnight and slept till almost 11 this morning. I feel less bad for myself now. This whole last week has been sort of shitty. Though this morning it is starting to feel like I am coming out from under the hump of it all. I guess sometimes when you are stuck in a rut, even after you start to shake yourself loose, you are still in the rut. I suppose I finally shook myself hard enough to get back out.

I don't have a whole lot else to say right now. I've been writing emails since I got up and figured I'd top it off with a quick posting, but now I feel as though I am about out of words for the moment. Hope everyone that reads this is doing well, I've been sort of out of the loop for a while now.

Also, Welcome back Cheb. Give me a call when your in Fallon next, you bastard.

Short and Sweet and Low

Well, I quit. Rather I put in my two weeks. Though it was hard to do since I wanted to walk right the fuck out. But I didn't, I'm doing it the legit way. Even though I hate it there, I still have my dignity and will not succumb to walking out.

My stomach feels like someone put a brick in it. I went on a mini-road trip today and so got some Burger King. I haven't had fast food for a little while and its really attacking my stomach in retaliation of my disloyalty to the fast food industry.

I have no idea what I am going to do for a job. I'm applying for the Sheriffs on Saturday, but I keep thinking I'm not really interested in getting the job. Maybe I am, somedays I definitely am, but other days I just can't see myself doing it. Some parts of myself that I had gained living away from Fallon seems to have vanished since I've been back. My confidence is one thing thats been lost. Never a very high level of it. Still, I had some. And I had a sense of self and purpose that seems to have gone missing. I was sitting in my car yesterday holding a cup of coffee outside of a coffee shop, a shop where a girl I like works, thinking that I didn't even want to drink any of the coffee. I'd only gone in to see the girl and when I had a chance to ask her out I froze. I felt like I was back in high school, when I constantly froze around girls. Again, I've never been great around girls, but I had gotten much better in the last few years. It was all gone.

Then last night happened. At the perfect time, really. The details are more mundane, but in broad strokes: Beer, poker, police, lies, arms dealing, blackmail, confrontation, and women. A fight, too, though that didn't involve me and I didn't see much of it. Yep, last night had it all. And so today I made my little trip and as soon as I got back in town I went to work and told them I quit. And it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders. Also, a guy who threatened me last night was there and we talk it over. I was a fucking badass to him last night, I mean hardcore. I had to be, I was surrounded by people and I didn't know who was with him. All I had a little drunken Mexican dude with me and he wouldn't have been much help. I got out of the bar and the guy I was with said "I gotta go" and I said "Yeah, I gotta run before they realize that I'm all smoke and can't back anything I just said up." So I was heading to my car and it was smoggy what with the fires and its about three in the morning and theres one van driving slowly by and he stops and asks for directions and I'm telling him where to go and my heart is still racing and he drives off and I'm standing in the deserted street with the guy about to head out and the guy in the van makes a U-turn and double checks on the directions and it all felt fake. Like I was in the middle of a movie or something. Nothing seemed real at all anymore and it occurred to me that that fake feeling was life. It was like someone had blown some air into my deflated life balloon and I realized all at once as that guy drove off and my friend left that I hated my job, I hate this town, I hate my personal life. I hate everything. And life is too short to hate everything, so I'm making a break for it. I've been trying to act like a responsible adult when it just isn't in my nature. I take life on as it comes and don't make any clear goals for the future. Just vague notions of what I want to do in the future. Tonight I watched the Simpsons and I realized that Homer has it all right. He just lives in the moment and things work out in the end for him. Granted that is largly becasue it is a show, a cartoon show at that, but he stays happy, and thats all that really matters in life.

I realize that I sound like a fortune cookie or something right now. I don't care.

Not Undead

I haven't posted in a bit. Sorry. I blame Kevin Spacey. Also Gene Hackman (Damn you Lex Luther!).

I have started working in a casino. Which has its ups and downs. Ups is that I feel that I can use this experience to help me in the future. The downs is that I sort of hate it. Sort of, in this context, means I dislike some of my coworkers. Hate it, in this context, means that I am about ready to throw in the towel less then two weeks in. Is that, in this context, is a conjecture with a preposition that implies a present state of things.

I just got back from a weekend vacation with my dad for fathers day. It wasn't a bad trip. I'm learning that I can deal very well with each member of my family individually. Except for my mom, who requires at least one person to act as a buffer. A lot of kids of divorced parents may have negative feelings about their parents next boyfriend/girlfriend. But I feel that my mom's is a godsend. A patient, easy going guy who balances out my mom's insanity a little. Similarly to how my sisters boyfriend makes her much easier to deal with. It makes me realize more and more that I need a girlfriend that balances my personality. Everyone in my family is better with a proper mate. Now I'm just the odd man out that is a pain in the ass with no one to give me that upside that I've been looking for.

I'm still in the process of applying to the Sheriff's department. It is a long process. One that needs very little of me. The 28th is the test date. Written and physical. After that who knows how long. After that probably six weeks of training I have to pass. So I probably won't really know if I get the job till August or September. But it seems worth the wait. Everytime I get to thinking about it I have all of these detective fanatsies in my head. I've always wanted to be a detective. I just never wanted to go through the process of being a patrol officer first. But I think if I do the patrol part in Fallon it should be about as easy as it is ever going to get and then I can transfer to the police department and get promoted to detective and then get transfered somewhere I else. If I can pull this off then it is one less thing I want out of my professional life. There are three others; fiction writer, bookstore owner, movie director. Technically I've been a movie director and a fiction writer. But I mean to do them in a professional sense. Not just this amateur stuff I've done. So if I can get detective then write some fiction and sell it for some decent money and have that book get turned into a movie that for some reason they let me direct, all I'll have to do is take my earnings and open a bookstore and I'll have accomplished what I set out to do. It is a sort of exciting time in my life. On the verge of making ways towards achieving a lifelong goal. I really hope I can pull it off.

My grandpa is still very sick and needs a feeding tube put in, which is going in tomorrow. I saw him this weekend and he looks about the same as he has the last year or so, which isn't so great. He has no lose of his personality or memory and he's still the same grandpa I've always known, which makes it so weird to see him incapacitated by his body being unable to fight off infection after infection. It is always hard when someone starts to lose their mind to a degree. But it is just as hard to watch someone who is fully aware of everything going on around them to lose their ability to have any sort of a normal life. He is just stuck with his body going to shit. He could still make a recovery, though it is unlikely. He doesn't seem to upset with his situation, which I suppose is good. But I know he has his old self in him and I hate to seem him suffering through the fact that he can't do anything on his own for so long.

Sharks freak me out. Death not so much. I guess I've accepted death as part of life. But not sharks. I hate sharks. I feel bad when I kill an ant but I would beat, torch, mutilate, incinerate, and bury any shark I had a chance to get rid of. I point this out because I feel bad that I am so cavalier about the fate of my grandfather. A part of me tells me I should be worried that he could die while he is stuck in the intensive care units and hospitals. But another part of me is so relaxed about the idea. Maybe I'm just a robot. I love my grandpa, but it doesn't bother me thinking that each visit may be my last. Perhaps it is because I have no regrets. Perhaps it is because I have faith that the afterlife is perfect peace. Non-existence is complete peace. Don't think I've gotten all Jesusy on you. I was perfectly content not existing before I was born. I believe I will be just so content after death. After all, how could I not be content with no consciousness? Zen is all about freeing ones mind. Non-existence is the most free any mind can ever be. Not that I am zen. I just really like that notion.

I used to have a fear of asking women out. Not so much anymore for a variety of reasons. But there was a girl I sort of wanted to ask out a few months ago then sort of decided against asking her out. Recently her natural beauty has been exposed to me both inside and out (I realize this statement sounds dirty, but as much as I wish it were, it is not) and I really want her but am petrified of asking her out. I feel like I'm fourteen again. Normally when I get in a situation where I feel I really want a girl I just ask her out and prepare myself for the worst so I can take it if it is to happen. But she's different somehow. And I really don't want to screw it up. I know I just have to take a chance. I just don't think I'm good enough for her.

I told someone, around new years, that my goal for the year, my resolution, was to fall in love. That was an incomplete statement, as I want to have a non-unrequited love (mutual love). I'm six months in and I'm nowhere closer to my goal. Maybe its because I have not taken big enough chances. I've taken a few chances. But a part of me is convinced I will never find a woman that will love me and everyday I listen to that part of me a little but more. Despite my dreams of detectiving and bookshop-ownering and directing (directoring) I desire such a thing as love above all else. I don't think it is going to happen. But I'll hate myself if I don't at least try.