The Escape

Today I watched "Memoir of an Invisible Man" for the first time in probably ten years. Something about that movie I missed when I was younger was how Chevy Chase was already an invisible man before the accident that made him transparent. I'm not quite like that. I have family, friends, people who care about what is going on in my life. But I do feel invisible sometimes. I suppose everyone does from time to time. Just that feeling that other people wouldn't really notice if you were there or you weren't.

I just want to flee sometimes. I entertain a notion often that I will have a small ocean side bar in some tourist filled country. I'd hire some cute local girl to tend bar. I'd build a little studio apartment into the back of the bar and I'd live there and occasionally wake up with a bottle of rum in my hand and the warm morning sun on my face just inches away from the ocean. There it wouldn't matter if people noticed me. They'd come and they would drink at night and I'd just sort of be there. Eventually some of my friends would join me, and help out at the bar or start small businesses of their own. Someone would buy a boat and take tourists out fishing and they would bring me back fresh fish every day and I'd hire someone to cook them up and then we'd sell them. And occasionally I would write something and get it published. But it would be a simple life. I'd live off of the profits of the bar and my friends would live off of the profits of whatever they were doing and everything would be nicely self contained.

That probably won't happen. I am a coward. I am probably not going to actually take a chance on something like that. I should. I really should. Dealing with the occasional tropical storm would be better than dealing with the rest of the crap that life keeps throwing at me.

I keep looking for ways to turn myself into a professional in some field but more and more I realize I will never be qualified for anything. And I'd love to occasionally wake up with the ocean lapping at my feet with a bottle of rum in one hand.

The Solution

Things were looking up there for a while for me. Then everything went to shit. Which proves a theory I was so desperately trying to disprove. The theory: Never try for anything because achieving it will make you feel only marginally better then if you had just never tried at all and gotten nothing out of it. Wanting something means you might not get it, not wanting anything means you already have it. If you get it in the end you are really no better off then if you just didn't want it in the first place.

Fucking Buddhists, this is their goddamn philosophy. I can't really blame them for coming up with it so long ago and me only now coming to a point where I only sort of kind of understand it. But I'm going to anyway.

Life seems like it should be all about chasing your passions, but at the end of the day it seems like it is really only about accepting how badly life is going to screw you if you dare to take a chance on anything.

I just wish I knew who the hell I was supposed to be. Obviously everything I've tried so far hasn't worked out.

At least I got a Case

Life shouldn't be that hard. The earth is billions of years old and if we are lucky we get 80 years on it. The first ten are all about development, the next ten are about learning your place in society, and then you have a couple of decades of trying to succeed on your own before you aren't relevant any more. It just doesn't really seem fair.

Thankfully life is full of all sorts of ups and downs and generally the ups outweigh the downs.

I shouldn't be feeling optimistic right now. I have no idea where my life is going or what is going on in it. But I am feeling good. Sometimes things just make sense to me that I don't think other people would be able to make sense out of.

I know this is all very vague, but I am in a weird mood. Sometimes it seems like how I am feeling about things is way more important than what the things actually are.

I shouldn't be in a good mood. I shouldn't feel good about things. I shouldn't, but I do. It doesn't make sense. That makes me happy.

In the dark hours of Sunday morning I watched a woman dance to absolutely no music. Other people seemed to be annoyed as she was stomping around, stomping out a beat you could say, yet I found it quite fascinating. There are some people who would dismiss such an act as an annoyance, there are those that think that she is merely crazy, but I saw something different. An identity, a purpose. And though those might have been vague even to her, I think that it was there. I was not interested in this girl, I had no intention of trying to go home with her, I just liked to observe her personality. It was a personality that I had never seen before, and that is a gem to me. So many people spend so much time trying to be something that they aren't. I just like people who can take a moment to be unique from time to time.

Maybe that is what life should be about. Trying to connect with people you find it hard to understand. We are all about the same when you boil it down. We just want food and sleep and love and we need a few ways to blow of stress. Maybe I just sound crazy right now, but I'd like it if that were true. Because then there wouldn't be any reason for any of us to not want to know each other.

It's This Blog!

HEY, IT'S THE
SNEEZE THEME SONG!




by Cloud Cult
(Visit their website.
Love them a lot.)

I stole that from The Sneeze, which was a great website until it mysteriously died five months ago. The guy who wrote it was a modern day Dave Barry, which is strange to say because Dave Barry is still alive. Also, he was friends with Adam from the Mythbusters. I know I am referring to him in the past tense, but I should point out that I have no idea if he is living or dead at this moment. Only that he stopped posting to his blog a while ago. And I really like that song.

I've been posting more lately because I am quite nervous about things. I honestly think that within the next couple of years I am going to be enjoying the dream life I have been fantasizing about for a really long time. But there is a ridiculous amount of things that can go wrong. But, whatever, for the first time in my life I am starting to feel pretty damn awesome. That's really all I have to say right now. Mostly I just wanted to post that song.

Take a bite of this Apple

Last night I realized that I have had a fairly decent turn around from this summer. I was really depressed for a while there. But things have been looking up for the last few weeks, as I have mentioned.

Last week I mentioned three different girls in my post and predicted some wacky antics to follow. None did. I ended up meeting another girl, one that I am much more interested in pursuing than any of the others. So I shall ignore the others and focus on her and see how that plays out. The dating world is really hard for me to navigate, so I have no idea how it is going to go, but I don't want to even think about attempting to juggle multiple girls at the same time. As I said before, none of this really sounds like me. I'm more of a stay at home and not interact with the world type. I'm also not a great multi-tasker. So I'm making a choice and I'm going to follow through till I succeed, or something goes horribly wrong, but I'm focusing on the succeeding part. Wish me luck internet denizens.

I think I might get an internship sort of thing from a new TV station up in Tahoe. I am going up there Wednesday in order to talk to them and get a tour and learn about TV making. I have no idea if I am cut out to work in television, certainly I am not cut out to be on TV, but I love TV. My relationship with TV is one of the most serious relationships I have had in my life. It is probably time to give something back. And maybe, just maybe, get a chance to make an awesome show someday. I've always wanted to write at least one episode of a show that gets shot. Its sort of a life goal. This could be the first step I need to take in order to achieve that.

So things could go well in the next week or so for me. I hate getting excited about stuff before it happens as I hate being let down, but, damnit, I am going to get excited. Life is meaningless when there is nothing to look forward to.

I Don't Want To Wonder If This Is A Blunder

I couldn't get a handle on the articles I was working on for Tin God, so I instead decided to come here, where there is absolutely zero pressure to produce something even remotely entertaining.

Things have been looking up a bit in the last couple of weeks. I've really stopped caring so much about things. There was a flow, and I was afraid to jump in it, but now I am in it, and I have no idea where it is going, but I am going with it nonetheless.

We shall see how things are going to work out, but I gave up listening to that little voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm an idiot, so it should at least get interesting.

You see, normally I just hate myself, but lately I've learned to be completely indifferent to what I think of myself. I mean, logically, if I hate myself, why the fuck should I care what I think of myself? Right? That sort of makes sense.

Whatever, I'm feeling good. I feel like I could take down a bear. I mean, given adequate prep time. And a bear trap. And a shotgun. And a hunter... a bear hunter.

Thinking about it, there was something that happened recently that I think might have freed me a little from feeling like a worthless human. I sort of got some closure on something. I didn't think it was something I needed to deal with. But I think by dealing with it it gave me back a part of myself I had lost for a while there. Because, for whatever reason, everything is running more smoothly all of a sudden in my life. Maybe it wasn't that, but I just feel more open to life then I have in a long time.

I love this blog. When I go back through old posts (which isn't often) I will find strange paragraphs like the one above and have no idea what the hell I was talking about. It sort of makes me a mystery even to myself. Yet here it is, for everyone to read. Complex, no? No.

If you haven't seen it yet, I got an article published on Cracked.com. I'm trying to get another article on there, but there is a lot of competition and as a result it could take a while. But, as of this posting, there were already 650,000(!) hits on that article.

Goddamn how I wish my website got hits like that.