The way you look sometimes

I've been slacking in my writing lately. Tin God goes un-updated. This blog lays forgotten. And its not like I've been working on anything. I suck lately. I just find it so easy to get distracted by other things.

I need to do something with my life. I'm tired of the direction my life is going. Which is downward, in a slow spiraling sort of way. I thought by four years after graduating from college I'd have figured something more to do with my life than fuck around and work a few days a week. Not that it's been all bad living like that, but I need something more out of life. I think I'm going to go back to school for a while. At least I'll feel like I'm accomplishing something, even if it doesn't end up gaining me much.

Lately I feel, I don't know, maybe better, maybe numb. Normally I feel shitty and depressed most of the time. Now I just don't really feel happy. I guess that's an improvement. But I've also lost a lot of ambition. I just don't care most of the time. The Buddha teaches us that true happiness comes from the freedom of desire. Or something. Perhaps no longer really wanting to have a better more productive life has brought me a sense of peace. Yet obviously I still want to make some thing of myself, as evident by the last paragraph. I am not free from that desire. Maybe I'm just not desiring as much. Or something. Hell I don't know.

One thing that has been different though is that I've been staying off the internet a lot more. Not really intentionally, but since I got my iPhone I've been able to check email/facebook in a couple seconds and then I don't really feel like going and getting on my computer at all. Normally I'd check a couple things on my computer then waste three or four hours screwing around on various sites or playing games. Now I use my home internet mostly for Netflix and Hulu. And that means that I run out of things to do at home and end up going out more. I guess that's good.

Of course the other difference is that I'm still dating Arynn and she's a distraction. And I'm happy when I'm with her. And I spend time organizing things for us to do together and cooking for her and cleaning my apartment more often so that when she comes over it isn't a complete dump. Of course having a relationship adds some stress to my life.

Here's the thing about my relationship, I don't have a hell of a lot going on on a day to day basis. And, sure, I get lonely hanging out with my dog all day and milling around the apartment. But I'm used to being alone a lot of the time, that's sort of how I like it. Yet I get so incredibly pissed off when she cancels on me or leaves me hanging and forces me to be alone more than I was planning on. And she's busy, I get that, but she also has some weird, I guess the word is issues, when it comes to working. We were at an event and she drove me and my sister and brother-in-law there and they were already in the car waiting for her and I literally had to drag her away from helping people clean up. People we were paying to clean up. Who also told her not to help because it was their job. And the other day we had plans for her to come over and watch True Grit, which she had been going on about wanting to watch for over a month, and she left me sitting on my ass for two hours at my apartment waiting for her to come over before I finally said "fuck it, I'm going out with my friends, you can come if you want." And she got mad at me for not inviting her properly. And her reason for being two hours late? She was helping her mom with some housework. HOUSEWORK! I mean, shit, that's admirable that she's helping out, but she does live with her mom (she's lived in other countries and has only been back in her parents house for a few months, just so I don't give the wrong impression). I had to move back in with my mom twice after college, and I had to help out with stuff around the house to earn my keep, but at the end of the day I'd say "I'm going to go drink and play poker with my friends, I'll finish tomorrow." Of course, Arynn answered her phone during a movie at the movie theater once because she knew if she didn't her mom might start calling every single person Arynn knew in an attempt to find her, and then she would start calling the cops. Her parents both do that shit. It drives me fucking insane. The first month we were dating she'd constantly be lying to her parents about where she was because she knew if she told them she was at a boys house they would start freaking out. Did I mention I'm 26 and she's 27? That she lived in Japan for two years, she was married for a while, and she doesn't drink or do any sort of drugs? Did I mention she was 27 years old? Fucking insane, right? I mean, I can get her having issues with her parents now that she's living at home again, but what the fuck is their excuse? My dad will sometimes have a few beers, realize there is nothing on TV and give me a call to see how I'm doing. My mom and I used to only talk once or twice a week. I know its different for every family, but they are obsessed with what she is up to, and it takes a toll on her, I can see it. It takes a huge toll on my relationship with her too. And between her two jobs and her parents and her, as someone put it today, menagerie of pets, she really doesn't have time for a relationship. Which is why I broke up with her. But that only lasted about 20 hours. And we got back together and she promised to devote more time to me but that hasn't proven to be a promise she could keep. I mean, she's made that promise a lot. And you can say that I shouldn't be so annoyed because I got shit all going on in my life, but when I met her I was pretty much only in Reno on the days that I had to work. The rest of my time I was keeping vigil at the side of my mom while she lay on her death bed. And I was going through some shit, it was fucking hard, but I decided that I met this cute sweet girl and I was going to find time, despite what was going on in my life, for her. And I was coming up once a week to see her and still coming up for work and then the rest of the time I was with my mom. And a part of me still wishes that I could have been there with my mom more of the time, but I'm glad that I put that out of my mind and just made things work with me and Arynn because that was important to me. So its kind of frustrating to me when she ignores me to help her mom with some housework and then gets mad at me for not understanding that she has to help out around the house. Kind of incredibly frustrating. "fuck that," I say, "is your mom dying of cancer right now? No? Then get the fuck over her and watch a goddamn movie for two hours." My god. Everyone has their priorities I guess. Still, when she called me in a panic the other night I was over at her house in literally the amount of time it took me to drive there and help her out. It was a medical issue with one of her dogs, and I was glad I could help, but I do wonder how long it would have taken her to get to me if I was in the middle of a mid-level crisis and needed her help. Hell, a couple of weeks I was fucking depressed. I mean, really, really depressed. I'm not sure why exactly, but there was just a lot of shit piled up in my head and I wasn't processing it very well and I barely got off the couch for three days. And I didn't ask anyone else, save her, for help. Because I don't ask people for help usually, but I just needed my girlfriend to come over and be nice to me and it took her a couple of days. That was about two days before I broke up with her. I'm a good boyfriend. I suck at a lot of things. But I work hard at being a boyfriend. I take her out, I buy her things, I listen when she talks, I remember what she's told me, I try to find ways to entertain her that she'll like. She doesn't like me drinking and smoking so I don't drink or smoke around her. I'm not saying I'm a great person, I'm not an evil person, but I am selfish and full of vice. But I push myself to be better when I'm with her, and I push myself to be around her as much as possible. And the fact that she has trouble finding a few hours a couple times a week to spend with me really pisses me off.

I know I ranted for a while there, and probably no one gives a fuck, but if you are reading this then you are reading a blog, and honestly, what do you expect from a blog? Eventually there is going to be a post or two complaining about a relationship. It happens. And I feel better, so that's really whats important here.