This week was kicking my ass. Seriously, you'd think three days of school wouldn't be that bad, but it was really getting to me. It could be because it is my last semester here and I am unsure of what to do next. Really I think it is because that I can't deal with this fucking school anymore. I'm ready to move on, even though I don't know what to do next. I just have to get through one more fucking semester. I reached a point this year that I felt that I had the college level of education already, and everything else was just a technicalities till I got my degree. I still feel that way. I'm going to learn more this semester, sure, but its not really stuff thats going to open up my mind anymore, its not going to help me in the rest of my life all that much more than if I just was done already with the classes I have already taken. But, fuck it, I'll just give it all I've got, fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go round.
I just watched the 40-year-old virgin again tonight. I saw it a while back and wasn't a huge fan, but after watching the Office and Little Miss Sunshine I was willing to give Steve C. (however you spell his last name) another go. I really enjoyed it this time out. I think it was just a mood I was in that made me dislike it last time. I think I saw it as making fun of us nerdy types, but watching it again I realized that it was all about accepting us nerdy types and realizing what we have to offer. But more than all that it just really made me laugh. Hard, and loudly. And it got me thinking about my own life and what I've been thinking about for a while.
Sometimes I just really want to be miserable. Sometimes I want to inject suffering into my life. And its not because I enjoy it, because I don't, but rather because I've always wanted to be the disturbed artist, the genius trapped in a world of pain of his own making. And I know it sounds strange, but really, I've been all about punishing myself in various ways for a long time, trying to make myself unhappy, mostly on a subconcious level but I can tell I'm doing it when I reflect on my life. I worry that if I don't have enough pain in my life then I won't ever be any good at writing. Something about the locked away loner maverick writer idea got in my system and made me want to slowly destroy myself. And I've been doing that. But that isn't who I am, not by a long shot. I may have the ability to write, but I am not one of those people that must suffer for their art. I was watching that movie and laughing and it occurs to me that I don't want to write something that is an amazing, moving piece of literature about pain and death and loss, but rather, I want to write something like the 40-year-old virgin. I want to write stupid comedies. I'd much rather make someone laugh for a couple of hours than make them think for a couple of hours. Last night I was thinking about trying a tactic, which I may still try, which was to write literary steak (i.e. really meaty plot, big things happening, all sorts of emotions and what have you and big life shattering things) covered in literary frosting (i.e. silly, goofy, slapstick comedy). I have no idea how to go about this, but I did write a few things that dealt with really big issues that were an infusion of the melodramatic and the comedy. People told me they hated the tonal shifts in the stories, going from something serious to something silly. But I think with what they were saying about the things from before I can bridge the two much closer together, get the two conflicting types of stories working together. It will take some time, but it will be fun. And of course now with my realization that I much rather be happy and make others happy then try to prove myself as an artist I'll go for an all out comedy if the other part isn't working out. I think I can do it. I kind of want to start right now, but I think I'll wait for till tommorow. Maybe right out a few ideas and maybe a bit of an outline tonight. I don't normally use outlines, but I think for something like this I'll need one.
I had a dream last night about me making certain choices in my life. For once in my life a dream actually made sense to me. I was making a stupid choice in the dream and regreting it as soon as I did it, and although I won't get into the specifics of the dream since it was long and complicated and mostly dull, I think it was what helped me to come to this conclusion tonight. That and a perfeclty delightful afternoon/evening with cheb and food and cheesy movies. I'm tired of being in a bad mood all the time, its time to kick up the endorphines.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
Its Two A.M., The Fear is Gone
So I'm back. For good, yo. At least for a while. Three weeks is the longest I've been out of Reno pretty much since I moved here. I always think that I really hate it in Reno but when I come back from being gone it feels so good to be home that I think I'll never leave again. Not seriously, though, I know I want to live somewhere else after college. Which, if things go well, should be after this semester. I just don't know where yet. But I'll find a place I suppose.
Its getting late. But Hawaii time is two hours earlier than it is here, so I'm still awake. Well, obviously I'm still awake. Or at least I would hope that I was still awake.
The last two weeks were fairly illuminating for me. I got some insight into myself. Which was frightning but probably good to know. One thing I will share was that I thought that I got kind of the short end of the stick when it came to relating to other people in my family because my sister always has had a lot of friends and seems really socialable and I've never really been that way. But I found out that her relationships are just as, if not more so, screwed up than mine. She just is more open about how she is feeling and thus why she has so many people that she can talk to. I'm a lot more inward than she is. But neither one of us has any real understanding of what it means to be in a relationship, and if we really care for someone we can never really let them in. It all goes back to parenting, if you ask me, which you didn't but if you are reading this then it is implied that you would be interested in what I think.
I'm sitting on my ottoman, which is fairly uncomfortable, because JJ and Cheb are having a little bible study something or another thing here tonight and are using my chair. Its not a bible studie, just intervarsity kids doing a team building thing. Or something. I havn't really been paying attention. My brains been going nuts playing songs lately because I havn't had a chance to listen to my music for the last few weeks so now I'm chillin' with some Allman Bros. and I think some of The Who is up next. I actually heard a bit of Baba O'Riley (some people know it as "Teenage Wasteland") today and I really wanted to hear it. Oh, its so pleasing. There are so many small things I miss about home when I'm gone. Not least of all is being autonomus. My god, take my advice and only go on week long trips with your family after you turn 20 or so. I mean, okay, most people probably like being with their families more than I do, but still, two weeks is a lifetime, even when its warm and you can go swimming in a non-heated pool at 10pm and not feel cold at all. In the middle of january. Yeah, its nice, but I'm used to seeing my family for somewhere around four-six hours at a time four or five times a year. Okay, I see them more than that, but really, in small doses I don't mind. Two weeks was way too much for me to handle. I had to opt out of several adventures because I couldn't handle sitting in the car with them for a couple of hours then going on a hike with them then lying on a beach with them then hiking back with them and then getting in the car for a couple of hours to drive back with them and then get home and be with them at the end of the day. I don't think I could spend that much time with my friends all at once. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't. And my friends don't bother me nearly as much as my family. It was also a little awkward because my dads girlfriend was there for half the time.
My headphones aren't working right.
We went to the Green Sand Beach, which is pretty much what it sounds like. Green Sand, believe it or not, crazy. Its about a 2 1/2 mile hike to get to it if you don't have 4-wheel drive (which we didn't) and the walk feels at least twice as long because the whole way there you are right on a very unprotected shore of the ocean and you get serious winds in your face the whole way. Even when you aren't going up hill it feels like you are. And when you are going uphill, well, it sucks. Anyway, we got there and it was this little beach and there was enough people there to make it seem crowded and I was kind of annoyed. Then we had to make a freaky journey down a cliff side to get to the actually beach, which was harder because I was fairly wiped from the walk there. But we got on the beach, I took off my shoes, threw down my towel and fell asleep in the warm sun and woke up about a half hour later when I heard a big group of people set up camp right next to my head. Some girls started singing the Indiana Jones theme song and I opened my eyes to see who was singing and suddenly nakedness filled my eyes. I sat up and the group was about twenty-thirty people, over half girls, and all of them were very attractive and completely naked. They were running around, frolicking in the surf, rolling in the sand and rubbing that green sand on their naked thighs, well, that was only one of them, but still. I've always dreamed of waking up surronded by beautiful naked women, I just never thought it would actually happen. So that was a good day.
Its just, the right side of my headphones isn't coming through at all anymore, I wish I knew were my other pair was.
We didn't go to the volcano. Last time I was there we went but we didn't get to where the lava was actaully pouring in. There was that Deep Thought that went "If you ever drop your keys in molten lava, let them go. Because, man, their gone." So I've kind of always wanted to drop some keys in lava since then. Perferably keys I didn't need. But we didn't go because it was about a four hour drive there and a four mile hike over increadibly uneven and pointy lava rock. We found a quintessential Hawaiin beach. Only about a half mile hike over lava rocks. You get there and there is perfectly white sand and only a couple of other people (also some naked girls, but not nearly as many and not nearly as frolicky) And you can swim in the waves which are big enough to be fun to jump into but not so big they try to drag you down.
I could deal with the headphones if I had a chair with a back on it, I like to lean back as I type, and if I can't do that I slouch, which hurts after a while.
We went snorkeling a lot. At a beach and we went on a snorkle boat which takes you out and lets you go swim around in a part of the ocean with no waves and a lot of visibility. Its fun to look at the fish but they kind of freak me out. All ocean life freaks me out a little, its not that I'm really scared of it for any real reason, its just that I think fish have it out for me or something, and some of them have mean looking faces, and they swim along by you and glare. Really, my favorite part of going is just to look at the girls swimming around looking at the fish. Seeing girls underwater is pretty cool. Because their hot and their swimming around and look all graceful. But the big thing they just look different then they do on land, which is really why I like to watch them underwater. I also like to watch them on land walking around in bikinis. I always care a dozen times more about the girls on the beach then I do about the beach.
I don't have anything new to complain about after that paragraph. So, uh, don't you hate pants?!
I just had the weirdest sudden memory spark up, but its really hazy. I think I was drunk and talking to someone, I think the song I'm listening to now must have been playing, which is kind of weird because the song is "Twilight Zone" not the theme song, the Golden Earwig version.
I had a bit of an awakening one day on the island. Theres something that I think I've got to do. Its really weird because I don't really know if its a good idea or a really bad, really, really bad idea. But I've thought long and hard about it and I'm going to do it. No matter how insane or retarted it sounds at times, I think its the right thing to do. Sorry I'm not being more specific, but its possible that some people read this blog that I don't know about that if I were more specific then it could maybe cause a problem and more than that I just don't feel comfortable talking about it in such an open forum. So why mention it at all? Lets call it a baby step towards being able to open up about what I'm thinking and feeling a little more often. But not to everyone, and not about everything. I think I've mentioned I use this blog to practice being comfortable letting other people get to know me better than I have been letting them in the past, so this is just another part of it.
That was the end of this post. I've been writting for almost an hour. And to be honest I wrote for about a half an hour before I started over on this post. I mention this for two reasons, the first is that because you havn't been reading for an hour, it may have just felt that long. The second is that it takes me a while to update sometimes and the reason is because it takes me so long to write a single post sometimes, and sometimes I'll write for a couple of hours and end up not posting anything at all. So there is a process that goes on. So just keep that in mind if I don't post a new blog anytime soon.
Its getting late. But Hawaii time is two hours earlier than it is here, so I'm still awake. Well, obviously I'm still awake. Or at least I would hope that I was still awake.
The last two weeks were fairly illuminating for me. I got some insight into myself. Which was frightning but probably good to know. One thing I will share was that I thought that I got kind of the short end of the stick when it came to relating to other people in my family because my sister always has had a lot of friends and seems really socialable and I've never really been that way. But I found out that her relationships are just as, if not more so, screwed up than mine. She just is more open about how she is feeling and thus why she has so many people that she can talk to. I'm a lot more inward than she is. But neither one of us has any real understanding of what it means to be in a relationship, and if we really care for someone we can never really let them in. It all goes back to parenting, if you ask me, which you didn't but if you are reading this then it is implied that you would be interested in what I think.
I'm sitting on my ottoman, which is fairly uncomfortable, because JJ and Cheb are having a little bible study something or another thing here tonight and are using my chair. Its not a bible studie, just intervarsity kids doing a team building thing. Or something. I havn't really been paying attention. My brains been going nuts playing songs lately because I havn't had a chance to listen to my music for the last few weeks so now I'm chillin' with some Allman Bros. and I think some of The Who is up next. I actually heard a bit of Baba O'Riley (some people know it as "Teenage Wasteland") today and I really wanted to hear it. Oh, its so pleasing. There are so many small things I miss about home when I'm gone. Not least of all is being autonomus. My god, take my advice and only go on week long trips with your family after you turn 20 or so. I mean, okay, most people probably like being with their families more than I do, but still, two weeks is a lifetime, even when its warm and you can go swimming in a non-heated pool at 10pm and not feel cold at all. In the middle of january. Yeah, its nice, but I'm used to seeing my family for somewhere around four-six hours at a time four or five times a year. Okay, I see them more than that, but really, in small doses I don't mind. Two weeks was way too much for me to handle. I had to opt out of several adventures because I couldn't handle sitting in the car with them for a couple of hours then going on a hike with them then lying on a beach with them then hiking back with them and then getting in the car for a couple of hours to drive back with them and then get home and be with them at the end of the day. I don't think I could spend that much time with my friends all at once. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't. And my friends don't bother me nearly as much as my family. It was also a little awkward because my dads girlfriend was there for half the time.
My headphones aren't working right.
We went to the Green Sand Beach, which is pretty much what it sounds like. Green Sand, believe it or not, crazy. Its about a 2 1/2 mile hike to get to it if you don't have 4-wheel drive (which we didn't) and the walk feels at least twice as long because the whole way there you are right on a very unprotected shore of the ocean and you get serious winds in your face the whole way. Even when you aren't going up hill it feels like you are. And when you are going uphill, well, it sucks. Anyway, we got there and it was this little beach and there was enough people there to make it seem crowded and I was kind of annoyed. Then we had to make a freaky journey down a cliff side to get to the actually beach, which was harder because I was fairly wiped from the walk there. But we got on the beach, I took off my shoes, threw down my towel and fell asleep in the warm sun and woke up about a half hour later when I heard a big group of people set up camp right next to my head. Some girls started singing the Indiana Jones theme song and I opened my eyes to see who was singing and suddenly nakedness filled my eyes. I sat up and the group was about twenty-thirty people, over half girls, and all of them were very attractive and completely naked. They were running around, frolicking in the surf, rolling in the sand and rubbing that green sand on their naked thighs, well, that was only one of them, but still. I've always dreamed of waking up surronded by beautiful naked women, I just never thought it would actually happen. So that was a good day.
Its just, the right side of my headphones isn't coming through at all anymore, I wish I knew were my other pair was.
We didn't go to the volcano. Last time I was there we went but we didn't get to where the lava was actaully pouring in. There was that Deep Thought that went "If you ever drop your keys in molten lava, let them go. Because, man, their gone." So I've kind of always wanted to drop some keys in lava since then. Perferably keys I didn't need. But we didn't go because it was about a four hour drive there and a four mile hike over increadibly uneven and pointy lava rock. We found a quintessential Hawaiin beach. Only about a half mile hike over lava rocks. You get there and there is perfectly white sand and only a couple of other people (also some naked girls, but not nearly as many and not nearly as frolicky) And you can swim in the waves which are big enough to be fun to jump into but not so big they try to drag you down.
I could deal with the headphones if I had a chair with a back on it, I like to lean back as I type, and if I can't do that I slouch, which hurts after a while.
We went snorkeling a lot. At a beach and we went on a snorkle boat which takes you out and lets you go swim around in a part of the ocean with no waves and a lot of visibility. Its fun to look at the fish but they kind of freak me out. All ocean life freaks me out a little, its not that I'm really scared of it for any real reason, its just that I think fish have it out for me or something, and some of them have mean looking faces, and they swim along by you and glare. Really, my favorite part of going is just to look at the girls swimming around looking at the fish. Seeing girls underwater is pretty cool. Because their hot and their swimming around and look all graceful. But the big thing they just look different then they do on land, which is really why I like to watch them underwater. I also like to watch them on land walking around in bikinis. I always care a dozen times more about the girls on the beach then I do about the beach.
I don't have anything new to complain about after that paragraph. So, uh, don't you hate pants?!
I just had the weirdest sudden memory spark up, but its really hazy. I think I was drunk and talking to someone, I think the song I'm listening to now must have been playing, which is kind of weird because the song is "Twilight Zone" not the theme song, the Golden Earwig version.
I had a bit of an awakening one day on the island. Theres something that I think I've got to do. Its really weird because I don't really know if its a good idea or a really bad, really, really bad idea. But I've thought long and hard about it and I'm going to do it. No matter how insane or retarted it sounds at times, I think its the right thing to do. Sorry I'm not being more specific, but its possible that some people read this blog that I don't know about that if I were more specific then it could maybe cause a problem and more than that I just don't feel comfortable talking about it in such an open forum. So why mention it at all? Lets call it a baby step towards being able to open up about what I'm thinking and feeling a little more often. But not to everyone, and not about everything. I think I've mentioned I use this blog to practice being comfortable letting other people get to know me better than I have been letting them in the past, so this is just another part of it.
That was the end of this post. I've been writting for almost an hour. And to be honest I wrote for about a half an hour before I started over on this post. I mention this for two reasons, the first is that because you havn't been reading for an hour, it may have just felt that long. The second is that it takes me a while to update sometimes and the reason is because it takes me so long to write a single post sometimes, and sometimes I'll write for a couple of hours and end up not posting anything at all. So there is a process that goes on. So just keep that in mind if I don't post a new blog anytime soon.
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