I think that the popularity of Star Wars can be attributed highly to the quotability of the lines. In New Hope, almost every line can be easily remembered and quoted, often out of context with substantial meaning. In the next two there are easily over a hundred quick quotes to pull out, not quite but the movies in whole aren't as quotable as the first one, although this does lend itself to better quotes when they are spaced out. I was thinking about what lines one could quote from the first three movies and the first thing that popped in my mind was Jar Jar. I would never actually quote Jarry, but his are the most easily remembered lines in the movies. I think this is why the new series failed to impress the previous fans. I just read a line in the book I'm reading that said something to the extent of "Repitition makes it real." I think it was the repitition of the lines, which lead to the repeadet watchings of, which lead to the obsession.
I had a couple of bad days this week. Today I just let myself play video games for hours so that I wouldn't have to deal with thinking for a while. The distance of the video games helped quite a bit. I've been going after this same type of girl for the last couple of years and yet never really actually getting anywhere with any of the ones that I find, which are rare little gems that occasionally drift my way. How gems drift I havn't the slightest. But I run into them from time to time and recently I found another and attacked the problem of these ellusive girls as head on as I could and it sort of backfired. I think I learned something from it though. I have a lot of mental blocks. I build things up in my head. I have a whole unspoken unknown to anyone but me subplot going between me and this version of the girl in my mind and I never actually want to do anything with the real person because it would screw up whatever I have going in my head. It sounds stupid, I just idealize certain women though and reality can never live up to it and I'm smart enough to know that so I just avoid reality, leaving me with a vein of regrets that runs deep. Head on is better, band-aid metaphor. Excuse me, adhesive strip metaphor.
I realized that the story I turned in to my creative writing class is going to get me in a lot of trouble. The biggest reason is that I feel it is going to be perceived somewhere between "pretty racist" and "get the fuck out of here you goddamn racist motherfucker." Its a surprisingly large scale between those two, though, so we'll see. Its not that I meant it to be racist, just the opposite. But then I didn't know how to do it without it being offensive. Really, really offensive. Cliche piled on stereotype offensive. I'm not really sure what I hpped to accomplish with the story. It was just one that wouldn't seem to go away, I had to finish it and I had to have some people read it and tell me what they thought. So we'll see. If you see paul yelling my name and holding a pitchfork than the lynch-mob has begun, make sure to get front row seats.
Taking a sip of my diet coke I scrolled through what I have talked about thus far in the blog. Its amazing that I can function as a person when my thoughts bounce so rapidly from one thing to another. I was playing Oblivion the other day and mike was watching and he had to keep prompting me as to what I needed to be doing, I would just be frolicing around talking to people and jumping up and down just a few minutes after I declared I was on my way to do something. Normally I don't have that mike voice reminding me what needs to get done. Its bizarre how the brain works, I have no ability to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes at a time and yet I have somehow managed to come almost all the way through college. I must be doing something right. Maybe I have add. Or ADD. Its weird how that works. Like if I said, dna, you'd be like "what" but if I said DNA you'd be like, "oh." The irony of losing track of what I was talking about while questioning my ability to stay focused is not lost on me. Maybe I don't have add.
Erasing a paragraph that once stood here I realized how far off topic I had gone in just a few short minutes. Somehow I was debating the essence of meaning while at the same time trying to nail down a daily schedual for myself that didn't involve a lot of wasted time. I think the two were in contradiction to each other.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
Who cares about Dwight Dortch
Today in the store I walked past the row of frozen piazzas right after turning the corner from a display of huge bags of M&M's and ice cream scoops and began to wonder how the hell anyone was supposed to be thin in our society. I mean, I understand it if you want to get thin because you want to compete in sports and need to be in shape, or if you are trying to attract more mates to you, but what if you just want to lead a somewhat more healthy lifestyle and to not have to feel like crap about yourself? That isn't to say that I wouldn't want the ability to attract a girlfriend, it simply means that it isn't high enough on my motivational scale to actually work my ass off five days a week and eat next to nothing just so that I can achieve that end.
Recently I was hearing that something like half of, or more than half of, Americans are overweight now. I think a large part of the reason for me to suddenly want to lose weight is so that I am not in the majority. I've never had any interest in being in the majority. I suppose it has something to do with my desire to think for myself. Most people want to think for themselves, and do, and still fall into the majority, which is fine. But if you want to keep yourself thinking for yourself you have to make sure you are on the outside of what the majority opinion is. Not because it is always wrong, but because once you let yourself fall into being constantly around people who share your exact opinions on social/political/religious ideals it becomes irrelevant to think of those ideals critically. There is no longer that need to think about why you believe what you believe, and you fall into the trap of just going along with the crowd. It's a dangerous thing that. "But Matt," you may be asking, "if everyone thought that way, then it would be a majority opinion and then what would you do?" But if everyone thought that way then there would simply cease to be a majority opinion. If everyone thought the way I do then there would be about 18 different political parties with an equal chance in every election, if everyone thought that way we wouldn't have to believe in one thing just because we believe in another.
For example, I was told to take a test that would tell me if I was a conservative or a liberal. I refused to take the test, the main reason being that they had a scale of 1-4 and the option to neither agree nor disagree wasn't there. Secondly, the test was set up in such a stupid way that you couldn't possibly get a "liberal" or "conservative" score, because the questions were set up in a way as in order for you to get those scores you would have to both hate change and love change, and a few other stupid ass things that would but you in direct conflict with yourself. Also, since the first 6 questions were clearly the "conservative" questions and the second 6 clearly the "liberal" questions, it was very easy to make your score whatever you wanted it to be. You have to throw people off otherwise you are just asking them to tell you what they think they are rather then to test what they are. Okay, I got way off topic in this paragraph, so I will bring it back to what I was talking about. Being a nation as we are, we are forced to think of ourselves in two categories, liberal or conservative. There was no 'moderate' score to that test, there was no 'green party' it was all just one or the other (I know green party is liberal, I was making a point). Since the 2004 elections I've felt like shit because I voted for John Kerry even though I really, really, really hated that guy. And honestly my vote could have gone towards a much more worthy cause of voting for a third party that just was trying to get enough votes to get on the ballot in the same way as the democrats and the republicans are. I hate the two party system so much, a three party system wouldn't be that much better, but at least you could get a lesser of three evils instead of a lesser of two evils.
Also, I really hate politicians. I mean, with a passion. And I don't mean just corrupt politicians or politicians that aren't in line with my beliefs, but I just can't believe that the people we are forced to vote for are the very people we should all hate the most. I'm sure everyones had experience with a moron that sucked up to everyone and got further than they should of just because they were so good at "playing the game" while dozens of more qualified, and much more dignified, people sat by because they refused to compromise themselves just to get ahead. These are the people that should be in office, not the idiots who know how to wear just the right color tie and when to fly their private jets to disaster zones to get some good PR. The people that should be in office are the people who probably are repelled at the very thought of being in office. We should make elections like jury duty. You register to vote and you go on a list, then you get picked out of a hat, they take a look at you and if there is no reason why you couldn't be mayor/senator/president you are thrown into it and serve for a couple of weeks or a month before we grab someone else off the street and force them to do it. Hey, it worked in Rome (Or ancient Greece, or somewhere. I didn't just come up with the idea is all I'm saying).
And if that isn't going to happen then we need a new election system. It came to me in a dream (actually a daydream, but close enough). Instead of voting for a person or even a party, the voters would go down to vote and get a ballot with about 30-40 different issues that are likely going to need to be dealt with by the government within the next term. We take a look at these issues, pick the ones we think are the most important, the ones that are least important, and the ones that could go either way. Then we get to our personal politics, with another series of questions that ask things like "abortions = good or bad (circle one)." We have the people who want to get elected do these same tests, maybe slightly different in that they would be looking for what they thought people cared the most about and what they would work the hardest for for the people instead of just personal politics. Once all the "ballots" are filled out they get tallied and the politician most in line with what people think and feel strongly about goes into office. Of course this system still needs some tweaking, but its just the starting idea here. And that way even if a total tool gets into office at least we know that he knows what people really care about and has at least claimed to do it. It would also be an effective way to stop the non-stop campaigning that goes on, and all the negative adds, which would be replaced with adds that were talking solely about issues and not about politicians. No more "Dwight Dortch is a man of the people, he's from Nevada, he's a really nice guy," no it would be "This nation is addicted to oil and we need to vote on the issue of electric cars and solar power" and things of that nature, because you wouldn't be selling a person you'd be selling an idea. Which one of those two quotes seems like it has more relevance to what really should be being talked about in a democracy? And who the fuck cares about Dwight Dortch!?
This proposal seems to work well in my mind because it takes the focus off politicians and turns it into real democracy in action(!) and allows people a more active rule in what they are voting for. I was thinking about a person, we'll call him Peter, who is a voter, and votes in every election, but not always for the same party. You see, Peter is an independent, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't have strong values. He has six prime values that are more often than not the deciding factors in elections. Peter is Pro-Gun Control, Pro-Environment, and Pro-Social Welfare. He is Anti-Big Government, Anti-Abortion, and Anti-Sexual Education (I realize that I am showing my colors a little bit here by giving all of his liberal parts the "pro" tag and the conservative ones the "anti" tag, but its not really meant to be mean, just to clarify the difference). Because of this Peter can't vote for one party over the other because although he is for half of their politics, he is against half of their politics as well. So who is he supposed to vote for? He has to vote for the person that represents the three parts of their party the best in his mind. But how does he know this? All he has to go on is this stupid little pissing contest of who can make themselves look the best in the spotlight. So more often than not he's really just voting for the politician that comes off the best in their ads and not the one that is 'most qualified' or really holds their beliefs better. Have you guessed who Peter is? He's middle America (shocking!). Middle America generally doesn't agree exactly with the two parties on everything, but they pick a side and go with it despite the fact that some of them may actually feel that abortions might be murder and don't really want them to be continued despite the fact that they also want to help the environment. Wait, no, despite? That can't be right, because those are totally different ideas. Shit, how did I make that mistake... oh yeah, those two issues are one in the same because all liberals and conservatives think the same way on every issue.
That's really all I've got to say on the subject for now. And I hope that this has been informative to anyone who wanted to know why I just don't give a shit about politics anymore. Its not that I don't care about society, but that I just fucking hate politicians.
Recently I was hearing that something like half of, or more than half of, Americans are overweight now. I think a large part of the reason for me to suddenly want to lose weight is so that I am not in the majority. I've never had any interest in being in the majority. I suppose it has something to do with my desire to think for myself. Most people want to think for themselves, and do, and still fall into the majority, which is fine. But if you want to keep yourself thinking for yourself you have to make sure you are on the outside of what the majority opinion is. Not because it is always wrong, but because once you let yourself fall into being constantly around people who share your exact opinions on social/political/religious ideals it becomes irrelevant to think of those ideals critically. There is no longer that need to think about why you believe what you believe, and you fall into the trap of just going along with the crowd. It's a dangerous thing that. "But Matt," you may be asking, "if everyone thought that way, then it would be a majority opinion and then what would you do?" But if everyone thought that way then there would simply cease to be a majority opinion. If everyone thought the way I do then there would be about 18 different political parties with an equal chance in every election, if everyone thought that way we wouldn't have to believe in one thing just because we believe in another.
For example, I was told to take a test that would tell me if I was a conservative or a liberal. I refused to take the test, the main reason being that they had a scale of 1-4 and the option to neither agree nor disagree wasn't there. Secondly, the test was set up in such a stupid way that you couldn't possibly get a "liberal" or "conservative" score, because the questions were set up in a way as in order for you to get those scores you would have to both hate change and love change, and a few other stupid ass things that would but you in direct conflict with yourself. Also, since the first 6 questions were clearly the "conservative" questions and the second 6 clearly the "liberal" questions, it was very easy to make your score whatever you wanted it to be. You have to throw people off otherwise you are just asking them to tell you what they think they are rather then to test what they are. Okay, I got way off topic in this paragraph, so I will bring it back to what I was talking about. Being a nation as we are, we are forced to think of ourselves in two categories, liberal or conservative. There was no 'moderate' score to that test, there was no 'green party' it was all just one or the other (I know green party is liberal, I was making a point). Since the 2004 elections I've felt like shit because I voted for John Kerry even though I really, really, really hated that guy. And honestly my vote could have gone towards a much more worthy cause of voting for a third party that just was trying to get enough votes to get on the ballot in the same way as the democrats and the republicans are. I hate the two party system so much, a three party system wouldn't be that much better, but at least you could get a lesser of three evils instead of a lesser of two evils.
Also, I really hate politicians. I mean, with a passion. And I don't mean just corrupt politicians or politicians that aren't in line with my beliefs, but I just can't believe that the people we are forced to vote for are the very people we should all hate the most. I'm sure everyones had experience with a moron that sucked up to everyone and got further than they should of just because they were so good at "playing the game" while dozens of more qualified, and much more dignified, people sat by because they refused to compromise themselves just to get ahead. These are the people that should be in office, not the idiots who know how to wear just the right color tie and when to fly their private jets to disaster zones to get some good PR. The people that should be in office are the people who probably are repelled at the very thought of being in office. We should make elections like jury duty. You register to vote and you go on a list, then you get picked out of a hat, they take a look at you and if there is no reason why you couldn't be mayor/senator/president you are thrown into it and serve for a couple of weeks or a month before we grab someone else off the street and force them to do it. Hey, it worked in Rome (Or ancient Greece, or somewhere. I didn't just come up with the idea is all I'm saying).
And if that isn't going to happen then we need a new election system. It came to me in a dream (actually a daydream, but close enough). Instead of voting for a person or even a party, the voters would go down to vote and get a ballot with about 30-40 different issues that are likely going to need to be dealt with by the government within the next term. We take a look at these issues, pick the ones we think are the most important, the ones that are least important, and the ones that could go either way. Then we get to our personal politics, with another series of questions that ask things like "abortions = good or bad (circle one)." We have the people who want to get elected do these same tests, maybe slightly different in that they would be looking for what they thought people cared the most about and what they would work the hardest for for the people instead of just personal politics. Once all the "ballots" are filled out they get tallied and the politician most in line with what people think and feel strongly about goes into office. Of course this system still needs some tweaking, but its just the starting idea here. And that way even if a total tool gets into office at least we know that he knows what people really care about and has at least claimed to do it. It would also be an effective way to stop the non-stop campaigning that goes on, and all the negative adds, which would be replaced with adds that were talking solely about issues and not about politicians. No more "Dwight Dortch is a man of the people, he's from Nevada, he's a really nice guy," no it would be "This nation is addicted to oil and we need to vote on the issue of electric cars and solar power" and things of that nature, because you wouldn't be selling a person you'd be selling an idea. Which one of those two quotes seems like it has more relevance to what really should be being talked about in a democracy? And who the fuck cares about Dwight Dortch!?
This proposal seems to work well in my mind because it takes the focus off politicians and turns it into real democracy in action(!) and allows people a more active rule in what they are voting for. I was thinking about a person, we'll call him Peter, who is a voter, and votes in every election, but not always for the same party. You see, Peter is an independent, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't have strong values. He has six prime values that are more often than not the deciding factors in elections. Peter is Pro-Gun Control, Pro-Environment, and Pro-Social Welfare. He is Anti-Big Government, Anti-Abortion, and Anti-Sexual Education (I realize that I am showing my colors a little bit here by giving all of his liberal parts the "pro" tag and the conservative ones the "anti" tag, but its not really meant to be mean, just to clarify the difference). Because of this Peter can't vote for one party over the other because although he is for half of their politics, he is against half of their politics as well. So who is he supposed to vote for? He has to vote for the person that represents the three parts of their party the best in his mind. But how does he know this? All he has to go on is this stupid little pissing contest of who can make themselves look the best in the spotlight. So more often than not he's really just voting for the politician that comes off the best in their ads and not the one that is 'most qualified' or really holds their beliefs better. Have you guessed who Peter is? He's middle America (shocking!). Middle America generally doesn't agree exactly with the two parties on everything, but they pick a side and go with it despite the fact that some of them may actually feel that abortions might be murder and don't really want them to be continued despite the fact that they also want to help the environment. Wait, no, despite? That can't be right, because those are totally different ideas. Shit, how did I make that mistake... oh yeah, those two issues are one in the same because all liberals and conservatives think the same way on every issue.
That's really all I've got to say on the subject for now. And I hope that this has been informative to anyone who wanted to know why I just don't give a shit about politics anymore. Its not that I don't care about society, but that I just fucking hate politicians.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Part Two
This is the third and hopefully last attempt at getting this part two out there. I wrote one when I was frusterated with life in general and the other ended up being a complete tangent that I felt was left better for another time, since I knew if I posted it I would never get back to the original problem that was vexing me last time I posted here.
Of course, this isn't going to be a direct sequel, as it were, to my last post. I've vented enough about my family for now, and therefore think its time to vent about myself a little more, thus keeping it close enough to be called part two.
After my last post I was thinking about my temperment and why I much more rarely seem to get pissed off at anyone or anything anymore. I actually meditated on it for a while, which was a trip because I hadn't done that for over a year. I don't know if I meditate in the way that monks and whohave you would teach it, but I just clear out my mind and go for that calm, trying to take a peek into whats really inside my head instead of just what comes out at the higher levels. I got snapped out of it the first time, not thinking I was in any sort of a trance and found a strange calm had completly washed over me, but my head was still swimming, so I went back inside my head and think I nodded off for a while. When I suddenly snapped back to reality it was right after some voice in my head said "Come with the question you've answered, leave with the question you've seeked." I have no idea what the hell that was about, maybe I was asleep or deep in trance, but either way thats what I came too with. I've been wondering about what it may have meant though, I mean, it sounds like something one of those zen people would say and yet who knows if its gibberish or not? Maybe its something I heard or read somewhere. Anyway, all I can read into it is that there is something about denile going on in my mind, which is something I've been wondering about for a long time.
You see, I'll tell people that I'm happy, but I'm not, and problably havn't been for a long time. When I came back and was calm I realized that the reason I don't get pissed off at people all the time now is because I've always just been mad at myself, and now my anger turns to depression when I feel it. I'll still get angry sometimes, but for the most part when I start having those things pop up I just get depressed. And then I'll eat, or I'll drink, or I'll smoke and brood about what I hate about my life. All my anger is turned inside, and when you add that whole thoughts that I must be denying something within myself it all sort of starts to make sense. But I've come to a conclusion, now brace yourselves, ready? Okay, I'm Fat.
I'll give you all a second to take that in.
Okay, apart from wanting to use the Family Guy quote there, I really do think that most of my problems can be traced back to a serious issue I have with my own weight. And I honestly do try to keep it at bay from time to time, but I never seem to be able to really lose the weight that I want to get rid of. When I look in the mirror I'll tell myself that its not too bad and that I'll eventually get to that point where I'm doing something about it, but I havn't gotten there yet, and I think that I need to take a stand and just be at the point where I am doing something about it rather than procrastinate, ignoring the obvious problem and imagining that its not really there, going on with my life like nothing was wrong. Paul and Tracy gave me "Silent Bob Speaks" for my birthday and I was reading about his weight problems (which he talks about with much more humor than I am, but he's funnier than I, so it's okay) and I realized that no one wants to think of their weight as a problem. No one wants to do anything about it because to do something about it is to admit that you have a problem with it. I think thats whats been my problem for a long time. When I was in San Diego I ended up watching an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a married couple losing some weight and for some reason that show really got to me and I started thinking seriously about my weight. I went and found a little electronic scale and stepped on it and all it said was "Err," which I assume means 'error' but could also be the scale straining against the massive weight that was placed on it (err.... god, get off! err!) I tried working out this summer, I tried to watch what I ate but I always fall back into my deviant ways in what most psychologists would probably call a "shame spiral" in which you relapse, and then, feeling bad about the relapse, you just continue the habit further because you feel like your such a fucking failure. Or something like that. And it is hard to change a life style, and to give up things we love (like food) in order to do something that doesn't seem to have a direct immediate effect on our health but will have effects latter, but hey, later is later man.
Anyway, I was thinking about this for the last week alot, and in the last few months I've been seriously thinking about how I am to go about losing the extra weight and I realized after reading Kevin Smith's article about it that the best way to go right now would be to go with my first instinct and talk about it openly in some way that I'm comfortable with, i.e. on my blog, where I can say whatever I want and not have to feel to bad about it.
So why now, all of a sudden? For one reason I made a goal a few years ago that I would be in a least moderatly good health when I left college, and secondly, my pants. When I first moved up to Reno four years ago my mom came in and took me shopping and I got a few shirts and about 6 pairs of pants. All the pants were the same size and all were the same company. They all fit then pretty good, maybe a little loose, but for the most part they fit well. Well, since then I'm sure I've put on a fair amount of weight, and maybe in my few spells of trying to diet and exercise lost a little and then regained it, but through it all I've worn those same pants, almost everyday, whenever you see me in jeans you can be sure they are one of those six pairs. But lately I've noticed that they are starting to pinch a little bit, and some pairs that I don't wear as frequently and thus don't stretch out are getting harder to zip. And I've said to myself "I'm not, under any circumstance, going to stop wearing these pants, and if I get to fat to wear them, there I can never go out in public because I won't be wearing any pants."
I've tried exercising, every couple of months I go at it for a few weeks or a month and then I loose interest in exercising and just stop doing it for a couple of months until I start feeling bad about it and go back for more, but the infrequency of it all isn't really helping me. So I'm not going to do that right now. I really think if I am to be serious about getting the weight off I need to do it in a way that I can keep up for long enough for it to actually do something. Which is why instead of just going hardcore to the gym for a few weeks and eating whatever the hell I want I am going to start with a diet. And to start it off with, as I've already decided and started to impliment, I am giving up fast food. Its a small gesture maybe, but I eat a ton of that crap, I mean, I'll sometimes eat only fast food for a week, well, I'll have one meal a day thats fast food and then I'll go home and snack on some crackers and cheese and drink some diet coke. The crackers and cheese and diet coke probably don't hurt too bad, but the fast food does bad. And when I'm not eating that I'll get a frozen pizza and eat a whole pizza in a day and top it off with some ice cream. A fucking wonderful habit that I am also breaking with my ban on fast food. I stopped eating fast food for a month and a little change when I first saw "Super-Size Me" and I don't know that I lost much weight but I started feeling a bit better, and my diet seemed to be a lot better. But at the same time, I know little about nutrition and I'm lazy about what I eat, which is why last time I went to the store I bought some PB&J and some cereal and non-fat milk and tried to make that more of my diet. Speaking of which, I believe I will make myself a PB&J right now...
Okay, I'm going to hold off on that because I need to leave the house in about fifteen minutes and I want to finish up before needing to slip just this part of my conversatation into part three.
I think what I am trying to get at with all this talk is just to let people see why I am worried about this and why I really want to loose some weight. I also am saying this in case you call and ask me to go to dinner or something and I sidestep the issue and say that I don't want to go to out because I have cramps or some shit like that, or maybe that I broke my leg and I'm also Polish, so I can't go out on (whatever day it is). Why Polish? I really don't know. But the thing is the fast food fast is only the first (hopefully) part of my planned diet. You see, like when scuba divers are coming to the surface and have to stop every ten feet or so to reclimatize themselves to the changing pressure, so am I trying to get to a point where I can break the surface and be eating well and exercising and really losing weight, and the first step is to cut a bulk of the junk food from my life, once thats gone we'll move on to trying to actually eat healthy, with fruits and vegetables and everything.
Most people make resolutions at the new year, when asked by Tracy last new years what my resolution was I said it was to "stop making resolutions." But really I just don't like new years resolutions, because the new year is too abstract for me. But I've made my own little resolution which is that by my 23rd birthday I will be healthier and lighter. Which is why I'm starting now, a few months ago I think I said to myself I need to lose 30 pounds by winter break, that probably won't happen, but we'll see, it could I suppose, but my goal now is at least 50 pounds gone by 8-31-07. And from there hopefully whatever more I need to lose to get down to my 'ideal weight.'
So, yeah, thers part two. I think next week I'll go back to some randam crap that I normally talk about, but there may be a part three in the next month or so. But look forward, for now, to me bitching about my classes and people in said classes as that will problably be my choice topic for the next couple of weeks, as it always is when I schools going.
Of course, this isn't going to be a direct sequel, as it were, to my last post. I've vented enough about my family for now, and therefore think its time to vent about myself a little more, thus keeping it close enough to be called part two.
After my last post I was thinking about my temperment and why I much more rarely seem to get pissed off at anyone or anything anymore. I actually meditated on it for a while, which was a trip because I hadn't done that for over a year. I don't know if I meditate in the way that monks and whohave you would teach it, but I just clear out my mind and go for that calm, trying to take a peek into whats really inside my head instead of just what comes out at the higher levels. I got snapped out of it the first time, not thinking I was in any sort of a trance and found a strange calm had completly washed over me, but my head was still swimming, so I went back inside my head and think I nodded off for a while. When I suddenly snapped back to reality it was right after some voice in my head said "Come with the question you've answered, leave with the question you've seeked." I have no idea what the hell that was about, maybe I was asleep or deep in trance, but either way thats what I came too with. I've been wondering about what it may have meant though, I mean, it sounds like something one of those zen people would say and yet who knows if its gibberish or not? Maybe its something I heard or read somewhere. Anyway, all I can read into it is that there is something about denile going on in my mind, which is something I've been wondering about for a long time.
You see, I'll tell people that I'm happy, but I'm not, and problably havn't been for a long time. When I came back and was calm I realized that the reason I don't get pissed off at people all the time now is because I've always just been mad at myself, and now my anger turns to depression when I feel it. I'll still get angry sometimes, but for the most part when I start having those things pop up I just get depressed. And then I'll eat, or I'll drink, or I'll smoke and brood about what I hate about my life. All my anger is turned inside, and when you add that whole thoughts that I must be denying something within myself it all sort of starts to make sense. But I've come to a conclusion, now brace yourselves, ready? Okay, I'm Fat.
I'll give you all a second to take that in.
Okay, apart from wanting to use the Family Guy quote there, I really do think that most of my problems can be traced back to a serious issue I have with my own weight. And I honestly do try to keep it at bay from time to time, but I never seem to be able to really lose the weight that I want to get rid of. When I look in the mirror I'll tell myself that its not too bad and that I'll eventually get to that point where I'm doing something about it, but I havn't gotten there yet, and I think that I need to take a stand and just be at the point where I am doing something about it rather than procrastinate, ignoring the obvious problem and imagining that its not really there, going on with my life like nothing was wrong. Paul and Tracy gave me "Silent Bob Speaks" for my birthday and I was reading about his weight problems (which he talks about with much more humor than I am, but he's funnier than I, so it's okay) and I realized that no one wants to think of their weight as a problem. No one wants to do anything about it because to do something about it is to admit that you have a problem with it. I think thats whats been my problem for a long time. When I was in San Diego I ended up watching an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a married couple losing some weight and for some reason that show really got to me and I started thinking seriously about my weight. I went and found a little electronic scale and stepped on it and all it said was "Err," which I assume means 'error' but could also be the scale straining against the massive weight that was placed on it (err.... god, get off! err!) I tried working out this summer, I tried to watch what I ate but I always fall back into my deviant ways in what most psychologists would probably call a "shame spiral" in which you relapse, and then, feeling bad about the relapse, you just continue the habit further because you feel like your such a fucking failure. Or something like that. And it is hard to change a life style, and to give up things we love (like food) in order to do something that doesn't seem to have a direct immediate effect on our health but will have effects latter, but hey, later is later man.
Anyway, I was thinking about this for the last week alot, and in the last few months I've been seriously thinking about how I am to go about losing the extra weight and I realized after reading Kevin Smith's article about it that the best way to go right now would be to go with my first instinct and talk about it openly in some way that I'm comfortable with, i.e. on my blog, where I can say whatever I want and not have to feel to bad about it.
So why now, all of a sudden? For one reason I made a goal a few years ago that I would be in a least moderatly good health when I left college, and secondly, my pants. When I first moved up to Reno four years ago my mom came in and took me shopping and I got a few shirts and about 6 pairs of pants. All the pants were the same size and all were the same company. They all fit then pretty good, maybe a little loose, but for the most part they fit well. Well, since then I'm sure I've put on a fair amount of weight, and maybe in my few spells of trying to diet and exercise lost a little and then regained it, but through it all I've worn those same pants, almost everyday, whenever you see me in jeans you can be sure they are one of those six pairs. But lately I've noticed that they are starting to pinch a little bit, and some pairs that I don't wear as frequently and thus don't stretch out are getting harder to zip. And I've said to myself "I'm not, under any circumstance, going to stop wearing these pants, and if I get to fat to wear them, there I can never go out in public because I won't be wearing any pants."
I've tried exercising, every couple of months I go at it for a few weeks or a month and then I loose interest in exercising and just stop doing it for a couple of months until I start feeling bad about it and go back for more, but the infrequency of it all isn't really helping me. So I'm not going to do that right now. I really think if I am to be serious about getting the weight off I need to do it in a way that I can keep up for long enough for it to actually do something. Which is why instead of just going hardcore to the gym for a few weeks and eating whatever the hell I want I am going to start with a diet. And to start it off with, as I've already decided and started to impliment, I am giving up fast food. Its a small gesture maybe, but I eat a ton of that crap, I mean, I'll sometimes eat only fast food for a week, well, I'll have one meal a day thats fast food and then I'll go home and snack on some crackers and cheese and drink some diet coke. The crackers and cheese and diet coke probably don't hurt too bad, but the fast food does bad. And when I'm not eating that I'll get a frozen pizza and eat a whole pizza in a day and top it off with some ice cream. A fucking wonderful habit that I am also breaking with my ban on fast food. I stopped eating fast food for a month and a little change when I first saw "Super-Size Me" and I don't know that I lost much weight but I started feeling a bit better, and my diet seemed to be a lot better. But at the same time, I know little about nutrition and I'm lazy about what I eat, which is why last time I went to the store I bought some PB&J and some cereal and non-fat milk and tried to make that more of my diet. Speaking of which, I believe I will make myself a PB&J right now...
Okay, I'm going to hold off on that because I need to leave the house in about fifteen minutes and I want to finish up before needing to slip just this part of my conversatation into part three.
I think what I am trying to get at with all this talk is just to let people see why I am worried about this and why I really want to loose some weight. I also am saying this in case you call and ask me to go to dinner or something and I sidestep the issue and say that I don't want to go to out because I have cramps or some shit like that, or maybe that I broke my leg and I'm also Polish, so I can't go out on (whatever day it is). Why Polish? I really don't know. But the thing is the fast food fast is only the first (hopefully) part of my planned diet. You see, like when scuba divers are coming to the surface and have to stop every ten feet or so to reclimatize themselves to the changing pressure, so am I trying to get to a point where I can break the surface and be eating well and exercising and really losing weight, and the first step is to cut a bulk of the junk food from my life, once thats gone we'll move on to trying to actually eat healthy, with fruits and vegetables and everything.
Most people make resolutions at the new year, when asked by Tracy last new years what my resolution was I said it was to "stop making resolutions." But really I just don't like new years resolutions, because the new year is too abstract for me. But I've made my own little resolution which is that by my 23rd birthday I will be healthier and lighter. Which is why I'm starting now, a few months ago I think I said to myself I need to lose 30 pounds by winter break, that probably won't happen, but we'll see, it could I suppose, but my goal now is at least 50 pounds gone by 8-31-07. And from there hopefully whatever more I need to lose to get down to my 'ideal weight.'
So, yeah, thers part two. I think next week I'll go back to some randam crap that I normally talk about, but there may be a part three in the next month or so. But look forward, for now, to me bitching about my classes and people in said classes as that will problably be my choice topic for the next couple of weeks, as it always is when I schools going.
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