It was a ray gun, and it was 1984

I lost the high ground a long time ago. I'm a liar, and a fraud, and sometimes I wonder if I even really have an identity anymore. I was walking down my street with my dog and I walked past the kid that lives next door to me. He looked awful, so incredibly sad, and I can hear through my walls his white trash mother yelling at him all day and yet I see him slowly wonder back to that environment because that was the only place he could go. I didn't do anything, I didn't try to help, I didn't make eye contact. Maybe it isn't my place, but it would have been, it could have been, a while ago. When I used to care. I just don't care anymore. And that is why I'm a fraud, because I believe I still care but I just don't anymore. And that is why I'm a liar, because I tell people I still care.

I gave up a long time ago. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life anymore. And I barely bother with that. I hide out in my apartment and avoid people as though they were plague ridden. I guess I never expected much more out of myself. I'm not real good with people. I'm a loner, I've been one since I could remember. I was talking to someone at the dog park this morning. He had a Chow, my dog is half Chow, and we were talking about how independent they were. They fetch for a few minutes while they are puppies and then they realize that there really isn't any point in it. But they are loyal. They find a master and they stick with them. Chewy spent the vast majority of her life without me being around, but when I am around she won't go more than a few feet from me. And she'll fight dogs twice her size if she thinks they are messing with me.

It makes sense I would have a dog like that. I'm loyal, and I don't give up on people once I've formed an attachment. But I'm losing interest in the rest of the world. I've made my connections, I've formed my bonds, and anyone outside of those bonds doesn't really count anymore.

It's a simple life philosophy and one that I can live by. It doesn't make me a good person but at least I know that I am there for the people that matter to me. Which brings me to my problem. Of course I have a problem. I don't even bother to write a blog anymore if I don't have a problem. It's sad but true.

There is a girl in my life right now. And she is gorgeous and smart and a little neurotic and super sweet and I love her. I do love her. I fell hard after our first date. And so far that's been a good thing. But life is starting to interfere. And I might need to move back to my hometown, some 60 miles away, to live in the house that I grew up in. And I might need to do this because I can't really afford to keep paying rent when I am also paying a mortgage on a house that I technically own half of. And by technically I mean legally. Aside from my girl I have no reason to not go back there and live there for a while. My job is a joke. And if I wasn't paying rent it would negate the lack of a paycheck. Plus I think I have enough contacts in my hometown to allow me to meek out a living if I wanted. But it seems to soon to ask her to move to with me.

Maybe it isn't. She probably won't say yes, but I can ask her. And maybe it will just be very temporary. Of course it may not be. I love her though. And I think she loves me. And maybe. Maybe maybe maybe. Maybe she will want to follow me out there. Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe.