There are individual moments in a life that are probably unimportant yet seem to carry a lot of weight. For example last night I was talking with my girlfriend while we half watched a monster movie and she said "you seem like the type of guy who will never get married." And I saw her point, I did, I don't really project the married guy vibe, or at least I don't think I do. But I said, in response, "sure I will. I used to think about getting married a lot. A few years ago, at least, I did, before I gave up on the idea of happiness."
That response might have changed the direction of my entire life. I can't be sure, I'll probably never be sure, but it might have. Because that moment was probably the first time I'd ever discussed the prospect of being married with a girl I was dating. And, sure, the first time its all theoretical. But who knows? A year from now it could all be coming true. All because I didn't reject the idea out of hand. A simple response to a simple statement and suddenly my whole life could change.
Chances are that response will have no repercussions on my future. But I always wonder if it will.
Marriage doesn't make sense to me anyway. Not the joining together part, not the monogomy part, those make sense to me. Its the living together I don't get. I've lived with many different people in my life, but they were family or roommates or random people who crashed on the couch for a month or two. But I've never been expected to share a room, much less a bed, with any of them. And I struggle with the idea of doing that every night. I struggle with that a lot.
I'm a loner. Always have been. But not, well, at least I hope not, in the creepy way. Just a guy who prefers to be alone. The mere presence of someone else can change the way one acts, the way one behaves, the way one interacts with other people. And in many ways that is good for me. If someone else is around I won't just wile away the day watching TV and playing video games. If I feel like someone might see me I try to be more productive. On my own I am happy to do nothing, with someone watching I might actually try to get something accomplished.
I'm not as good on my own. Not as good as I could be. But I still need to be alone. I need to have my solitude. But I don't want to always be alone. I need people. I know I do, its just hard for me to always be around people.
I love Arynn. I really do. And I want to stay with her. But we both know eventually it will have to go further or it will have to go away. And marriage will come up again and again if I stay with her. And although I said that I wanted it before, and I wasn't lying about that, I'm not sure if I want it now. Life, I suppose, makes one make those choices.
On a side note, while I'm here, my website has gone down. www.tin-god.com is no longer functioning. It should still be functioning, I just haven't figured out what went wrong or how to fix it. But I'm working on it, hopefully it won't be down forever.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
The Things Your Offering Me
I should start writing again. I haven't been for a while. For a few years I really was writing all the time. And even then I felt like I wasn't doing enough. But lately I haven't been doing any. I've sort of given up. Not on the idea of being a writer, just on actually trying for a while. Hopefully that will change soon.
I've been learning about how I work and how I manage to motivate myself and I find that if I don't have anyone actually expecting any work out of me I don't actually do any work. I'd rather sit around and watch TV. It's what I'm good at. And I do love TV. But if someone expects something from me then I get a lot more work done. I lack proper self-motivation, perhaps, or perhaps everyone is working because they feel like someone else is expecting them to. Whether it be a friend or family member or wife or husband or boss or employee or even a deity, everyone might just be working because they feel like some one else wants them to. This is, of course, in reference only to the sorts of jobs you don't get paid for. Obviously going to work and receiving a paycheck is motive enough. I'm talking about the sorts of work that we do, or want to do, in order to make ourselves somehow bigger than we already all. Writing, if I am ever successful, would make me bigger than myself. But I just don't have the motivation to really get much work done anymore. I just don't feel like I have anyone to impress anymore I guess.
Hemingway wrote A Farewell To Arms when he was 30. I've got three years till I'm 30. I know I'm not the next Hemingway, but if he could write a book that almost immediately made him a massive literary figure when he was 30 I should be able to complete a novel by then. But then I am very lazy...
I get frustrated when I can't just complete a task in a short amount of time. I have trouble following through. I need to work on that in me. At least now I'm more aware of it. Maybe I can make some progress in getting better at that. Although that is a big project, and the problem is completing big projects. Sort of a Catch-22. But I might solve one problem by solving the other. So instead of being a situation there is no way out of it is a situation that has a clear course of action. I just have to quit failing. It's tricky, but its not impossible.
I don't really know why I'm blogging about this. I just figured it was time to throw another post up here and I sort of just rambled. Again. I ramble a lot. I'm glad not a lot of people read this. Most of the time I can't imagine that there is any redeeming value in any of these posts. But I like making them. Perhaps they are useless to everyone else but they do help me think.
I've been learning about how I work and how I manage to motivate myself and I find that if I don't have anyone actually expecting any work out of me I don't actually do any work. I'd rather sit around and watch TV. It's what I'm good at. And I do love TV. But if someone expects something from me then I get a lot more work done. I lack proper self-motivation, perhaps, or perhaps everyone is working because they feel like someone else is expecting them to. Whether it be a friend or family member or wife or husband or boss or employee or even a deity, everyone might just be working because they feel like some one else wants them to. This is, of course, in reference only to the sorts of jobs you don't get paid for. Obviously going to work and receiving a paycheck is motive enough. I'm talking about the sorts of work that we do, or want to do, in order to make ourselves somehow bigger than we already all. Writing, if I am ever successful, would make me bigger than myself. But I just don't have the motivation to really get much work done anymore. I just don't feel like I have anyone to impress anymore I guess.
Hemingway wrote A Farewell To Arms when he was 30. I've got three years till I'm 30. I know I'm not the next Hemingway, but if he could write a book that almost immediately made him a massive literary figure when he was 30 I should be able to complete a novel by then. But then I am very lazy...
I get frustrated when I can't just complete a task in a short amount of time. I have trouble following through. I need to work on that in me. At least now I'm more aware of it. Maybe I can make some progress in getting better at that. Although that is a big project, and the problem is completing big projects. Sort of a Catch-22. But I might solve one problem by solving the other. So instead of being a situation there is no way out of it is a situation that has a clear course of action. I just have to quit failing. It's tricky, but its not impossible.
I don't really know why I'm blogging about this. I just figured it was time to throw another post up here and I sort of just rambled. Again. I ramble a lot. I'm glad not a lot of people read this. Most of the time I can't imagine that there is any redeeming value in any of these posts. But I like making them. Perhaps they are useless to everyone else but they do help me think.
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