The Things Your Offering Me

I should start writing again. I haven't been for a while. For a few years I really was writing all the time. And even then I felt like I wasn't doing enough. But lately I haven't been doing any. I've sort of given up. Not on the idea of being a writer, just on actually trying for a while. Hopefully that will change soon.

I've been learning about how I work and how I manage to motivate myself and I find that if I don't have anyone actually expecting any work out of me I don't actually do any work. I'd rather sit around and watch TV. It's what I'm good at. And I do love TV. But if someone expects something from me then I get a lot more work done. I lack proper self-motivation, perhaps, or perhaps everyone is working because they feel like someone else is expecting them to. Whether it be a friend or family member or wife or husband or boss or employee or even a deity, everyone might just be working because they feel like some one else wants them to. This is, of course, in reference only to the sorts of jobs you don't get paid for. Obviously going to work and receiving a paycheck is motive enough. I'm talking about the sorts of work that we do, or want to do, in order to make ourselves somehow bigger than we already all. Writing, if I am ever successful, would make me bigger than myself. But I just don't have the motivation to really get much work done anymore. I just don't feel like I have anyone to impress anymore I guess.

Hemingway wrote A Farewell To Arms when he was 30. I've got three years till I'm 30. I know I'm not the next Hemingway, but if he could write a book that almost immediately made him a massive literary figure when he was 30 I should be able to complete a novel by then. But then I am very lazy...

I get frustrated when I can't just complete a task in a short amount of time. I have trouble following through. I need to work on that in me. At least now I'm more aware of it. Maybe I can make some progress in getting better at that. Although that is a big project, and the problem is completing big projects. Sort of a Catch-22. But I might solve one problem by solving the other. So instead of being a situation there is no way out of it is a situation that has a clear course of action. I just have to quit failing. It's tricky, but its not impossible.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about this. I just figured it was time to throw another post up here and I sort of just rambled. Again. I ramble a lot. I'm glad not a lot of people read this. Most of the time I can't imagine that there is any redeeming value in any of these posts. But I like making them. Perhaps they are useless to everyone else but they do help me think.