If you play this blog backwards, it says "Make me a sandwich"

Oh, ethical dilemma, how I loath thee. Okay, so its not really an ethical dilemma, more of a spiritual one. Or something. Right now its a quarter to 11 and I need, really, really need, to go to my eight o'clock class. But I so want a diet coke right now. Really, really want diet coke. But if I drink it then I'll be up till 1 or 2 and then I'll either sleep through my class or show up and not remember a damn word that he was saying the whole time I was there. Man, this is annoying. I havn't been to that class in over a week. What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for such an early class? I know what I was thinking, but still, it doesn't change the hurt. It wouldn't have been as much of a problem if I just was able to get used to a schedual of getting up early, but when you have five days a week that the earliest you really have to get up by is one in the afternoon and only two that you have to be up early, it throws you off. I am literally on the verge of failing that class, which by all accounts should be a no-brainer of a class, because I havn't been able to get there very often. And when I do show up I'm usually still asleep, basically. Its like having a dream about being in class, only I'm fully clothed and the girl sitting next to me never actually turns into a giant spider that knits me a scarf. Although I can tell she's thinking about it.

So I'm drinking a diet coke now. And you can all just shut the hell up about it. I've run into a problem in my personal life that I can't quite seem to get perspective on. And its not my out of control cafine addiction, that I have plenty of perspective on. No, it just something that I've tried talking to several people about and I guess I havn't been able to get any leverage on it. I shouldn't bring it up since I really don't want to talk about it here, where it can be read by all, but I do bring it up because I want to talk about it a little bit, and at least talking about talking about it is something. Usually when I'm in a situation like this I can just go with a gut instinct and even if it turned out to be wrong I can feel confident that at least I tried something that didn't work out, but this time I'm just having a hard time figuring out exactly what my gut is telling me. I'm so conflicted. Its like theres a spiderweb of potential problems. Like if I remove the wrong strand the whole thing will come down. Then I think, wait, thats not how spiderwebs work, you can take out a strand and the rest of it is intact still, thats why the designed the internet around spiderwebs. So then that confuses me further. I don't know, I was trying to do some soul searching on last night and I don't really think I came to any answers. I took a shower and was thought "its been a really long time since I sung in the shower." And then thought "that is the saddest thing I've ever said." And I know I thought it and didn't say it, but thats my thought quote. Then I was sitting with my head hanging over my arms and thinking and wishing there was some sort of a sign that would lead me to an answer and I looked down, and I swear to god, the dripping water from my hair had made a perfect little frowning face on my forearm. Four smaller dots of water for the mouth with two bigger ones for the eyes. And then I moved my arm and the left "eye" ran down my arm and I watched this sad little face on my arm shed a single tear. I don't know if that was a sign, and it certainly didn't shed much light on the situation, and I know it didn't help anything.

Fuck, good lord, I was getting pissy today, and yesterday. I've just kind of been in a bad mood for the last couple of days and I think it has a lot to do with not being able to get my life moving forward. I also think it has a lot to do with finals. I hear people say how hard finals are being on them, and usually I think I hold up pretty well comparitively, but this year I've just kind of hit a wall. But I'm getting there, I've got work left to do, but I have till next monday for a big project, so that will be enough time. But good lord, I just looked at my final schedule and it came to my attention that three out of the four I still have to take are at 7:30 in the fucking morning. Three of them. Three of those mother fuckers at 7:30. And two of them are this week. Oh, that makes me feel so good, right now. Fuck. I don't have to do anything but show up for one of them, but shit, I still have to show up. The other one I have a fucking test. And a portfolio due. Such rubbish. At least I don't have to worry about the third early one till next week. That doesn't really help me all that much. But at least that one is for my 8am class, at least that one makes sense. I have to show up at 7:30 for a class that doesn't normally start till 11. Lame! God, it will be so nice to be out of this semester, it has been a pisser. It feels like its been going on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

And ever.

I really want to be done. Maybe I'll just start staying up all night so that I can make all my early finals and I'll be wide awake since I've been up all night drinking coffee and playing video games and everyone will be all like "oh, I'm so tired" and I'll be all ready to go and I'll laugh at them for not being as cool as me. Of course, the last twenty times I've tried to pull an all-nighter I end up getting bored and tired around 3:30 then I fall asleep and sleep through my classes. So maybe that isn't the best idea. But it could work, I could start tonight, and then just go for a week on a really weird schedule and then I'd be done and it wouldn't involve me dragging my sorry ass out of bed at the break of fucking dawn. Maybe I should put some more thought into this.

We've once again come to the end of my blog. Another long rambling post. That really accomplished nothing. And pretty much just bitched about a couple of things that no one but me would ever care about. So another successful posting for me.

This thing must be

I hate the near end of the semester. Usually by this time I've been mentally checked out for over a month and I have more crap that I have to get done than at any other point in the semester. The real pisser is when you get to that point at the end and look at everything you have left to do and you remember that you have had many of the assignments since the beginning of the semester, and the putting of them off has finally caught up with you. Like a bastard child, it always seems to find you at the worst point in your life.

Josh recommended Trans-Siberian Orchastra to me after my last post, and I'm listening to them now, and I have to say, I really am enjoying them, especailly "Mephistopheles' Return," which I am listening to now. They sort of remind me of Tenacious D, just because of that bravado and passion for something that you can tell they are just having a really good time with. It makes me smile.

I've been thinking about why I havn't had a girlfriend for so long and I got to thinking about the nature of myself and of relationships. I've become such a loner since I've gone to college, and really the seeds of lonerdom where there long before college, going back even to elementary school. But now I just don't see people as often as I used to and it makes me notice how much more time I am spending by myself. It occured to me that the reason I may not have a girlfriend was, well, the obvious not sociallizing with people, but more than that it has more to do with me never really being properly socialized. I'm kind of like a dog that was raised on the streets for the first couple years of its life then sent to live with a nice family. Even though I can adapt to the nice home environment, I still shy away from people and hide when company comes over. The dog in me still senses danger when there isn't any. I don't know, my family is a bit strange, I don't think any of us really knows any of the others. Were all isolated, and I think I picked up on that at a young age and just stayed away from lots of people, learned to be comfortable around myself. It creates problems for me when I do have problems because even though I've been trying to work on asking people to help me with my problems, I still have a very closed off nature to my emotions. I see another dog running around the neighborhood and instead of running and playing with it I hide in a closet because it might kill me over some kibble. It sounds ridiculous, and people would probably just say get over it, but its hard to fight your nature. Ironically, the reason that whenever I post a blog I'm always talking about my emotional states is because I'm trying to get more comfortable with putting myself out there. I think I've mentioned it before on here, but these blogs are more for theoropy than they are for entertainment. I hope they can be enjoyable to read, but I understand that they probably seem a little dull and repedative most of the time. Whatever, it makes me feel better about myself and more comfortable around other people so a little bit of a dull post is just something you'll have to suffer through.


I was talking to my mom yesterday and she knows I hate wal-mart and she confesses to me when she shops at wal-mart. I'm slowly getting her to stop shopping there, and tell her all my anti-wal-mart facts whenever I have a chance. But last sunday I was up in Truckee for a dinner and a study group and the lady that lived there was talking about how hard the town has fought corporate interests trying to come into the town. and how successful they have been. They had all the business people in town fighting banded together against the places coming in and they have been winning and keeping Truckee unique and local. And I realized how much I really miss independant towns. Going to fallon the first thing you see now is the wal-mart, then you pass fast food resturants and walgreens and all that other crap, and the quant little town that was fallon is now just like every other town in the world, taken over by the same shops as every other town. It makes me really sad to not see the diversity that I once could have seen going from town to town. I try to shop independant whenever I can, but my main purchases are gas, groceries, and the books. I get the books at Sundance, but where can I get groceries thats independant in reno, I ask you? And gas? there are probably independant gas stations, but even then they are just selling corporate gas. I don't know, its frusterating. Its already at a point where every town looks almost identical, and pretty soon we are just going to have one uniform city, and everywhere we go it will be exactly the same. I need to start a coallation to retake the US in the name of independance and individuality.

Christmas at Ground Zero

Right now I am listening to metal versions of christmas songs. Including such classics as "Silent Night (Rocks!)" and "Another Rock and Roll Christmas." Normally I stay away from christmas. I was really planning on doing the same thing this year, but I don't know. Last year I remember I took my last final of the semester and as I walked back to my car I felt a little light headed. By the time I got up the stairs to my apartment I was so dizzy I could barely stand up. It was about five pm and I walked in my room, fell onto my bed and slept for the next fourteen hours. I awoke feeling refreshed, not entirely, but enough to drive to fallon, where I was attending my mothers cancer surgery the next morning. We got her home after the surgery and I slept for another ten hours, waking up and trying to help my sister with my mom other things that had to be done. I was driving around town smoking as fast as I could and blasting "All Around the World" by ATC and pretending not to be sick since my mom was really the one that was sick. And she had to go back in for another surgery and I sat in the waiting room playing rummy with my dad and sister. As soon as the surgeon came in, who, by the way, looks and acts a helluva lot like The Todd on Scrubs, and let us know my mom was okay I went in and visited, then my sister went in to say hi and I got in my car and drove home, where I ended up in bed for the next week. I don't really remember christmas last year. I remember sitting by a tree and handing presents that to my family that I had unceromoniously drapped wrapping paper on since I was too tired to wrap them. I remember that as my family ate traditional christmas foods I stuggled to get down a couple of swedish fish, which by the way are not that tasty when you have to swallow them without chewing because when they get stuck to your teeth you don't have the energy to get them off. And then I slept. And I slept. And somewhere around the 29th I got up and walked downstairs and saw my mom up and around and gave her a hug and told her I was going out for a couple of hours. And I drove around listening to ATC and smoking as fast as I could and thanking christ that christmas was only once a year.

So I suppose the reason I'm not really dreading christmas this year is because I did miss it last year. But I don't know. When I was battling with the forces of christians and trying desperately to seperate myself from them I saw christmas not only as something I didn't want any part of because of the religious conotations, but I also used it as a focul point for what I saw as everything that was wrong with their religion. The pure marketing, the shop till you drop, the only time in the year when people are nice to poor people. I remember reading an article around that time that said that people were actually bitching at soup kitchens because the kitchens wouldn't let them volunteer on thanksgiving because they had too many people signed up already, and the kitchens suggestion that they come by almost any other day of the year to help out. People didn't like that idea. The point is, there is a lot wrong with the religious part of the holiday, but according to some people jesus was born in july and the only reason we celebrate it in december is because it was the big pagen, or whatever they were called, druids maybe, celebration time. So they just changed the name and said it was about christ now and to deal with it. Now I suppose thats what I'm doing. I'm just going to celebrate it and forget about the reasons other people are celebrating it and they can deal with it and I can deal with it and everyone can deal with everyhing.

This Metal Christmas album isn't very good. I was browsing around the torrents today and I came across an album called "Impeach My Bush" and the band name sounded familiar to me and I knew I had at least one or two of their songs and I downloaded it and forgot about it till it was done then threw it on and in the first song this fake gangster-rapping female voice is talking about how sex is awesome and if they don't like it they can "Impeach My Bush." Well, the genius of this, and believe me, you have no way of seeing this coming, the amazing thing was that at one point near the end of the 49 second song, they cut out the "My" so she was saying "Impeach Bush!" I tell you, I never saw that coming, no sir. Of course, after that 49 seconds of confusion I looked down the list to see what other songs of theirs I had and I remembered suddenly why the band Peaches sounded so familiar. "Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, calling me all the time... What else is in the Teaches of Peaches? Huh? What?"

You know, its pretty popular to dis the president these days, and I'm all for that, but at the same time I'm wondering what the fuck is wrong with people? Honestly, he's doing the exact same thing now that he's been doing since the beginning and its only now that its getting popular to not like him? Right after 9/11 I checked some of my favorite Bush bashing sites and most of them said "this site has been taken down out of respect for blahdeeblah." I don't know how those sentances ended, I stopped reading after took down. But I was telling the computer not to do that to me. I was telling it "this is the time when we need to be most mocking Bush!" Because I knew, and I was 17 and I hadn't been paying any attention to politics for more than a year at that point, but I knew that it was going to be more important to keep the government in check back then than it would be later. Shit, if people were as pissed off at him for not preventing it instead of stanind behind him then we wouldn't be in the mess were in now, and with any luck neither kerry nor bush would be in the white house right now. But I'm as much to blame as anyone else, I suppose. I didn't start an anti-bush campaign at the time. Of course, had I done it it wouldn't have matter because no one would have been paying attention to it. Unless I really pissed people off with it and then it became a big controversy. Okay, so I should have done something back then, and it may have made a difference. And it may not, but I won't know now so all I can do is bitch. Of course, if I as a high school student with no real background in politics or journalism, and no national forum (other than the internet) to go after the leader of the most powerful nation in the world, had little chance of doing anything. But if CNN, if NBC, if all those other fuckers had been questioning him then like they were supposed to be because the media is supposed to act as a watchdog for the government then we could have stopped the Iraq invasion before it began. Fuck, on bush's watch thousands of people are killed in two of the nations biggest financial symbols and everyone lines up behind him? What is with that? Seriously, what is with that? Because it doesn't make a lot of sense. Listen, if I were in charge of graveyard security at a mall and someone drilled a whole through the wall and walked into Macy's and stole thousands of dollars worth of jewels or something people wouldn't be saying "we need to stand behind this security guard in these confusing times." Yeah, I'd be fired, or suspended, or otherwise penalized. I certainly wouldn't have the highest approval rating of my career right after it happened. God, sometimes I wonder if we humans even understand the concept of democracy. Maybe we are just followers. Something bad happens and we hide behind the guy who has the most guns. Makes sense, but it doesn't really help to create a good society.

Thinking back on where this blog started and where that last paragraph ended I realize that I'm only a few cliches away from having an Ultimate Blog. Lets see, I've already got a holiday story (which also counts as current events right now), a family sickness, a personal sickness, a political rant, and a discussion of new music. What am I missing?

So there is this girl... okay, I'm too tired to go much further with this blog joke right now to really go for the whole "girl lamenting" section. Plus, I can't really have the Ultimate Blog without talking about suicide and how I was totally snubbed at the movies by Beccy even though she was with my ex and, oh my god, did you see what she was wearing? I could have died! Oh, I know, bleh! etc. Also I need to add more :)'s. Or maybe some *<8-} (clown!). Okay, thats enough.

I want to get a suit. I don't know if I'd wear it, or when I would, but since I was in high school I've wanted a plain black suit. Something like the Blues Brothers suits. I was watching something with a guy in a plain suit and thinking how cool it would be to get one of those. One day I went into a suit store and tried one on. I couldn't afford it though. The reason I want one is because its just so simple. Black and white, narrow tie, nothing fancy, no frills, but it still looks good on almost anyone that wears it. I like things being simple.

I am tentatively happy right now. Things tend to be looking up. A hint of a more optomistic time is in the air. Many times I think of myself as the type of person that is always looking at the downside, cynically thinking about the way things are going to be. But at my core I've always been insanely optomistic. There are more times than I care to recount when I've thought that everything was going to work out just fine. The real problem is that I think that all the time and then things do work out. As much as I want to become a pessimist I just can't make myself do it. Stupid life's been too good to me. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think I have some sort of romantic idea of being some cynic but in reality I'm completely the opposite. Maybe I think of the people who are always happy as crazy people. But things go my way when I need them to, and it makes me all the happier.

For some reason almost every Monday night I make coffee or drink three times the amount of soda I normally do even though I know that I have to go to bed early so that I can get up at some ungodly hour. And tonight was no exception. So I'm sitting here, already knowing that I have to be up in six hours and also knowing that I probably won't go to bed for another hour or two. I can understand morning people, they get up and get going and have the whole day ahead of them to do what makes them happy. But my best times in life are late at night. Theres a calm in the world at night that doesn't exist in the day. Its just a quiet, easy feeling. My mind wanders, I feel more like myself. I figure morning people must have times like this during the day, finding that calm in the hecticness of everything. And so I can understand not getting someone like me who likes the night. But then I wonder if we aren't just different breeds, morning people and night people. I wonder if people who enjoy the day ever really feel that same calmness that I'm feeling. That same sense of oneness with the world around them. I never really feel right unless I'm thinking abstractly about something or another, unless I can't think a sentance all the way through to the end. Even as I'm writing I'm just writing whatever the next word is, I really don't know half the time what I'm talking about, and if I try to stop and think about it I can't really keep my thoughts together and I have to start over because I won't know what I was talking about in the first place.

A song just came on my playlist that I've heard probably dozens of times over the years and I just realized that I have no idea who its by, I have no idea where it came from, and I have no idea what language its in. I think its French. I don't know though. The name of the file is just gibberish, and I don't mean its something I can't understand because its in another language I mean its gibberish. Someone playing with character map. Every letter has an umlat or an accent on it. I never really thought about how very strange it is that someone would name something like that. I don't think its French anymore. I don't know what it is. I don't think its French though.

I'm kind of fading now. It's probably for the best for me to try to get some sleep. What I hate more than anything though is laying in bed for hours and not being able to get to sleep. I hate that feeling. Thats another thing I like, not worring about going to bed at the same time everynight. If you have to get up early you have to go to bed at a certain time, but if you don't have anything to do till the afternoon you can just go to bed when it suits you to go to bed. Speaking of suits, I want a plain black one.

A posting thingy

Since I last bitched about my computer crapping out it got worse. And I paid a large fee to try to fix it. Now my computer is somewhat more functional, but it still doesn't work the way I want it to. To tell you how bad it is, I'm writing this in IE, not Firefox. Firefox does not want to work with my system anymore. Also, normally I'd be listening to my music right now, but iTunes isn't working on my computer either. I may have fixed the root of the problem for iTunes, but I havn't reinstalled it. I guess I just don't want to think that it may not work if I reinstall it. But I'll get it going soon, I suppose. No reason to not listen to music just because my computer has taken a turn for the worse.

I'm officially burnt out of school now. I've been going four days a week since early July, with only a week long break in the middle. On the up side I should be able to graduate next semester. On the downside, I hate my fucking classes. I found out I have to take two more crap classes, by which I mean low-level classes that are going to teach me what I already know and are going to bring my GPA down because I don't care enough about them to show up for class and do the homework. Mind numbing classes, thats probably a better way to describe them.

I havn't written much in the last couple of weeks. Not just here, but in my own writing. I go through phases with it. Somone came in to give a presentation about something in one of my classes today and he mentioned that he had published a book in high school and he just published another one. Its impressive, no doubt, but there are just those people out there I guess. The thing it got me thinking about is if I'm ever going to really be one of those people that can actually write something and put everything into it and really create something. This person, who was probably about the same age as me, had all ready put the time into creating two books, and I just wondered if I was ever going to have that dedication. Maybe not. I don't know, I'd like to think I do. I hope that I'm just not there yet. I hope that I'll get there.

Lately whenever anyone starts asking me what I want to do after college I tell them that I want to open a comic book shop. I don't know if I ever will open a shop, but it is something that I have thought about doing since I was in junior high. My mom told me that she heard some where that when you have a big commitment sort of idea that you should let it nest inside of you for 9 months and then see if you still want to go through with it. I've wanted to do it for, lets say, 10 years now, so I guess I should have made a decision on it by now. But in reality it was never anything that I could put any serious consideration into until recently. Something about graduation being around the corner got me thinking about it in real terms. Getting a business plan, getting the money, getting a location, getting the comics. Since it seems like a much more possible reality I have decided to give it the nine months that my mom suggested, mostly because I'll still be in college for about six months anyway. I don't know how to really think about it really. I mention it to random people sometimes just to see what sort of reaction I get. Most people seem impressed, or surprised. But mostly positive feedback. So who knows, maybe next year we'll all be hanging out at my shop and I'll be telling you all to buy something or get out.

So since that last paragraph I have reinstalled iTunes, and it is working pretty well, although there is some strange lag going on. I think it will take care of itself in the next few moments. There it goes.

Did you know that Boy scouts have Copywrite Protection Merit Badges now? I wonder if they are trying to institutionalize children? Probably not, maybe its just a coincidence.

If you have some time to relax coming up I would suggest that you pick up a copy of "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay" by Michael Chabon. It is currently in contention for my favorite book, I would need to reread both of them to really decide (my current favorite is Catch-22, which I also suggest everyone reads). On a side note, I just checked on Amazon and they have tons of used copies of Kavalier and Clay as low as $1.37, so you really can't go wrong. Anyway, go forth, read!

To rock around

My computer crashed. Well, more accurately, I crashed my computer. It's a pisser. Not because I can't get it working now (I'm using it right now, yea!), but rather because I lost a year and a half worth of journals that I kept for myself, and because I lost all the fragments of stories I was (at one point or another) working on. I have all the full stories saved on the internet in case of incident, but not the fragments. It's really not that bad, though. It's like starting a new character in an RPG. You don't have all the high level stats or all the cool weapons, but you know where to get them. It's a fresh start. And maybe it really is a good time to start over. That is my optimism, at least. I guess that is really how I deal with loss. I just shrug and say "better get going on going forward, than." I don't know. I'm done to one Grandparent in my family now and I've barely shed a tear for any of them. I've often wondered if there was something wrong with me because I wasn't that sad at their death, but then I realized that that is just how I deal with it. Time to move on, forget about the past. Maybe that means that there really is something wrong with me, but at the same time I think that it is better than most people deal with death. When I die, and hopefully that won't be for a very, very long time, but when I do die I don't want everyone all sad and unable to move on. Life moves quick, even if your someone like me that spends most of their time by themselves reading and pondering the nature of the world, and its better to get going forward than to lament the people that have come before you and live in that sad state of knowing that they are gone forever. They are gone, they aren't coming back. It's sad, and it can be lonely, but you have to press forward, you have to make due with what is left because that is really, really all there is.

So me loosing some documents on my computer doesn't really compare to the loss of life. I know that. But I think the comparison is there. People who can't stand loss can't stand loss. It doesn't really matter what it is, all that matters is how they deal with the loss. I don't know, its a strange cycle, the circle of life, as it were. Its something we all have to deal with more than we would probably like in our lives. I'm just trying to put mine in perspective.

I did almost nothing today. I didn't read, I didn't write. I played some video games, I watched some DVD's, I slept. It was such an unproductive day that I felt that I had to have worked at it to make it so unproductive. Laziness is an art form.

I need to write a story for my class my Monday. I have the weekend to work on it, but I have some other homework to work on as well. More so now that I've lost my documents. I think I will write a spooky Halloween story. We were talking in my creative writing class about what the point of being a writer was. The prof was saying that if you didn't love it, you just couldn't do it. But he also said that if he hadn't gotten a book published when he did he probably would have given up too. So its a lot of luck, there is skill, there is talent. But a lot of luck. Before I was always trying to write things that proved I had the talent, that with a little honing in on my skills and a little bit of luck I was going to be a great. But thinking about what he was saying, and thinking about my own desire to write, and thinking about everything that makes me want to think of myself as a writer I realized that I am just going to write things that I enjoy writing. I hate going back, I hate revision. I think that is why I won't ever be able to be a great writer. I love just going with whatever I said the first time and whatever poor word choice and gramatical error that entails. Really, my brain works fast, and I can't ever hope to write fast enough to keep up with it. A great story idea will become old news after a day or two. Even if I wrote non-stop I would never keep up with everything that is going on in my head. So I think that is why I really hate revision, and that is why I just want to have fun with my writing, which is why I want to write a Halloween story. I came up with the idea this afternoon and didn't get around to writing it but I think that I will write it tomorrow and then just be done with it, although I would have to revise it for the sake of a grade in that class, I think I could have some fun revising something that didn't really mean a whole lot more to me than a few hours of typing. I don't know if any of this is really making sense to anyone else, I just realized. I should probably move onto the next topic.

I think a lot about our world and how it would be if I was someone (or I met someone) that grew up in the 18th century in the pre-U.S. and how anyone from them would relate to our world. Microwaves, TVs, Refrigerators, Computers, the internet? Those things would seem completely alien. But then I think, well, they are simple enough in concept and conceptualization, they are things that are made to interface well with users. You give someone a few months to get used to the "dialect" that we use now a days and give them a few crash courses and they would get used to our technology with no problem. That is a comforting thought to me, I don't know why. I think it is because I sometimes worry that humans are moving further and further away from their roots and that we are living in a society that no one in any other time could ever dream of living in and then I think, well, yeah, they may not be able to dream of living in it because they don't have the reference points, but once they were giving those reference points they could assimilate pretty easily. It just makes me feel more connected to the past maybe, I don't know. Anyway, I like the idea.

Enough rambling for one night, I will try to be more on the ball and update this once/twice a week as I was trying to do earlier. But don't hold me to that.

I wonder if he cares about anything else, or anyone

I think that the popularity of Star Wars can be attributed highly to the quotability of the lines. In New Hope, almost every line can be easily remembered and quoted, often out of context with substantial meaning. In the next two there are easily over a hundred quick quotes to pull out, not quite but the movies in whole aren't as quotable as the first one, although this does lend itself to better quotes when they are spaced out. I was thinking about what lines one could quote from the first three movies and the first thing that popped in my mind was Jar Jar. I would never actually quote Jarry, but his are the most easily remembered lines in the movies. I think this is why the new series failed to impress the previous fans. I just read a line in the book I'm reading that said something to the extent of "Repitition makes it real." I think it was the repitition of the lines, which lead to the repeadet watchings of, which lead to the obsession.

I had a couple of bad days this week. Today I just let myself play video games for hours so that I wouldn't have to deal with thinking for a while. The distance of the video games helped quite a bit. I've been going after this same type of girl for the last couple of years and yet never really actually getting anywhere with any of the ones that I find, which are rare little gems that occasionally drift my way. How gems drift I havn't the slightest. But I run into them from time to time and recently I found another and attacked the problem of these ellusive girls as head on as I could and it sort of backfired. I think I learned something from it though. I have a lot of mental blocks. I build things up in my head. I have a whole unspoken unknown to anyone but me subplot going between me and this version of the girl in my mind and I never actually want to do anything with the real person because it would screw up whatever I have going in my head. It sounds stupid, I just idealize certain women though and reality can never live up to it and I'm smart enough to know that so I just avoid reality, leaving me with a vein of regrets that runs deep. Head on is better, band-aid metaphor. Excuse me, adhesive strip metaphor.

I realized that the story I turned in to my creative writing class is going to get me in a lot of trouble. The biggest reason is that I feel it is going to be perceived somewhere between "pretty racist" and "get the fuck out of here you goddamn racist motherfucker." Its a surprisingly large scale between those two, though, so we'll see. Its not that I meant it to be racist, just the opposite. But then I didn't know how to do it without it being offensive. Really, really offensive. Cliche piled on stereotype offensive. I'm not really sure what I hpped to accomplish with the story. It was just one that wouldn't seem to go away, I had to finish it and I had to have some people read it and tell me what they thought. So we'll see. If you see paul yelling my name and holding a pitchfork than the lynch-mob has begun, make sure to get front row seats.

Taking a sip of my diet coke I scrolled through what I have talked about thus far in the blog. Its amazing that I can function as a person when my thoughts bounce so rapidly from one thing to another. I was playing Oblivion the other day and mike was watching and he had to keep prompting me as to what I needed to be doing, I would just be frolicing around talking to people and jumping up and down just a few minutes after I declared I was on my way to do something. Normally I don't have that mike voice reminding me what needs to get done. Its bizarre how the brain works, I have no ability to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes at a time and yet I have somehow managed to come almost all the way through college. I must be doing something right. Maybe I have add. Or ADD. Its weird how that works. Like if I said, dna, you'd be like "what" but if I said DNA you'd be like, "oh." The irony of losing track of what I was talking about while questioning my ability to stay focused is not lost on me. Maybe I don't have add.

Erasing a paragraph that once stood here I realized how far off topic I had gone in just a few short minutes. Somehow I was debating the essence of meaning while at the same time trying to nail down a daily schedual for myself that didn't involve a lot of wasted time. I think the two were in contradiction to each other.

Who cares about Dwight Dortch

Today in the store I walked past the row of frozen piazzas right after turning the corner from a display of huge bags of M&M's and ice cream scoops and began to wonder how the hell anyone was supposed to be thin in our society. I mean, I understand it if you want to get thin because you want to compete in sports and need to be in shape, or if you are trying to attract more mates to you, but what if you just want to lead a somewhat more healthy lifestyle and to not have to feel like crap about yourself? That isn't to say that I wouldn't want the ability to attract a girlfriend, it simply means that it isn't high enough on my motivational scale to actually work my ass off five days a week and eat next to nothing just so that I can achieve that end.

Recently I was hearing that something like half of, or more than half of, Americans are overweight now. I think a large part of the reason for me to suddenly want to lose weight is so that I am not in the majority. I've never had any interest in being in the majority. I suppose it has something to do with my desire to think for myself. Most people want to think for themselves, and do, and still fall into the majority, which is fine. But if you want to keep yourself thinking for yourself you have to make sure you are on the outside of what the majority opinion is. Not because it is always wrong, but because once you let yourself fall into being constantly around people who share your exact opinions on social/political/religious ideals it becomes irrelevant to think of those ideals critically. There is no longer that need to think about why you believe what you believe, and you fall into the trap of just going along with the crowd. It's a dangerous thing that. "But Matt," you may be asking, "if everyone thought that way, then it would be a majority opinion and then what would you do?" But if everyone thought that way then there would simply cease to be a majority opinion. If everyone thought the way I do then there would be about 18 different political parties with an equal chance in every election, if everyone thought that way we wouldn't have to believe in one thing just because we believe in another.

For example, I was told to take a test that would tell me if I was a conservative or a liberal. I refused to take the test, the main reason being that they had a scale of 1-4 and the option to neither agree nor disagree wasn't there. Secondly, the test was set up in such a stupid way that you couldn't possibly get a "liberal" or "conservative" score, because the questions were set up in a way as in order for you to get those scores you would have to both hate change and love change, and a few other stupid ass things that would but you in direct conflict with yourself. Also, since the first 6 questions were clearly the "conservative" questions and the second 6 clearly the "liberal" questions, it was very easy to make your score whatever you wanted it to be. You have to throw people off otherwise you are just asking them to tell you what they think they are rather then to test what they are. Okay, I got way off topic in this paragraph, so I will bring it back to what I was talking about. Being a nation as we are, we are forced to think of ourselves in two categories, liberal or conservative. There was no 'moderate' score to that test, there was no 'green party' it was all just one or the other (I know green party is liberal, I was making a point). Since the 2004 elections I've felt like shit because I voted for John Kerry even though I really, really, really hated that guy. And honestly my vote could have gone towards a much more worthy cause of voting for a third party that just was trying to get enough votes to get on the ballot in the same way as the democrats and the republicans are. I hate the two party system so much, a three party system wouldn't be that much better, but at least you could get a lesser of three evils instead of a lesser of two evils.

Also, I really hate politicians. I mean, with a passion. And I don't mean just corrupt politicians or politicians that aren't in line with my beliefs, but I just can't believe that the people we are forced to vote for are the very people we should all hate the most. I'm sure everyones had experience with a moron that sucked up to everyone and got further than they should of just because they were so good at "playing the game" while dozens of more qualified, and much more dignified, people sat by because they refused to compromise themselves just to get ahead. These are the people that should be in office, not the idiots who know how to wear just the right color tie and when to fly their private jets to disaster zones to get some good PR. The people that should be in office are the people who probably are repelled at the very thought of being in office. We should make elections like jury duty. You register to vote and you go on a list, then you get picked out of a hat, they take a look at you and if there is no reason why you couldn't be mayor/senator/president you are thrown into it and serve for a couple of weeks or a month before we grab someone else off the street and force them to do it. Hey, it worked in Rome (Or ancient Greece, or somewhere. I didn't just come up with the idea is all I'm saying).

And if that isn't going to happen then we need a new election system. It came to me in a dream (actually a daydream, but close enough). Instead of voting for a person or even a party, the voters would go down to vote and get a ballot with about 30-40 different issues that are likely going to need to be dealt with by the government within the next term. We take a look at these issues, pick the ones we think are the most important, the ones that are least important, and the ones that could go either way. Then we get to our personal politics, with another series of questions that ask things like "abortions = good or bad (circle one)." We have the people who want to get elected do these same tests, maybe slightly different in that they would be looking for what they thought people cared the most about and what they would work the hardest for for the people instead of just personal politics. Once all the "ballots" are filled out they get tallied and the politician most in line with what people think and feel strongly about goes into office. Of course this system still needs some tweaking, but its just the starting idea here. And that way even if a total tool gets into office at least we know that he knows what people really care about and has at least claimed to do it. It would also be an effective way to stop the non-stop campaigning that goes on, and all the negative adds, which would be replaced with adds that were talking solely about issues and not about politicians. No more "Dwight Dortch is a man of the people, he's from Nevada, he's a really nice guy," no it would be "This nation is addicted to oil and we need to vote on the issue of electric cars and solar power" and things of that nature, because you wouldn't be selling a person you'd be selling an idea. Which one of those two quotes seems like it has more relevance to what really should be being talked about in a democracy? And who the fuck cares about Dwight Dortch!?

This proposal seems to work well in my mind because it takes the focus off politicians and turns it into real democracy in action(!) and allows people a more active rule in what they are voting for. I was thinking about a person, we'll call him Peter, who is a voter, and votes in every election, but not always for the same party. You see, Peter is an independent, but this doesn't mean that he doesn't have strong values. He has six prime values that are more often than not the deciding factors in elections. Peter is Pro-Gun Control, Pro-Environment, and Pro-Social Welfare. He is Anti-Big Government, Anti-Abortion, and Anti-Sexual Education (I realize that I am showing my colors a little bit here by giving all of his liberal parts the "pro" tag and the conservative ones the "anti" tag, but its not really meant to be mean, just to clarify the difference). Because of this Peter can't vote for one party over the other because although he is for half of their politics, he is against half of their politics as well. So who is he supposed to vote for? He has to vote for the person that represents the three parts of their party the best in his mind. But how does he know this? All he has to go on is this stupid little pissing contest of who can make themselves look the best in the spotlight. So more often than not he's really just voting for the politician that comes off the best in their ads and not the one that is 'most qualified' or really holds their beliefs better. Have you guessed who Peter is? He's middle America (shocking!). Middle America generally doesn't agree exactly with the two parties on everything, but they pick a side and go with it despite the fact that some of them may actually feel that abortions might be murder and don't really want them to be continued despite the fact that they also want to help the environment. Wait, no, despite? That can't be right, because those are totally different ideas. Shit, how did I make that mistake... oh yeah, those two issues are one in the same because all liberals and conservatives think the same way on every issue.

That's really all I've got to say on the subject for now. And I hope that this has been informative to anyone who wanted to know why I just don't give a shit about politics anymore. Its not that I don't care about society, but that I just fucking hate politicians.

Part Two

This is the third and hopefully last attempt at getting this part two out there. I wrote one when I was frusterated with life in general and the other ended up being a complete tangent that I felt was left better for another time, since I knew if I posted it I would never get back to the original problem that was vexing me last time I posted here.

Of course, this isn't going to be a direct sequel, as it were, to my last post. I've vented enough about my family for now, and therefore think its time to vent about myself a little more, thus keeping it close enough to be called part two.

After my last post I was thinking about my temperment and why I much more rarely seem to get pissed off at anyone or anything anymore. I actually meditated on it for a while, which was a trip because I hadn't done that for over a year. I don't know if I meditate in the way that monks and whohave you would teach it, but I just clear out my mind and go for that calm, trying to take a peek into whats really inside my head instead of just what comes out at the higher levels. I got snapped out of it the first time, not thinking I was in any sort of a trance and found a strange calm had completly washed over me, but my head was still swimming, so I went back inside my head and think I nodded off for a while. When I suddenly snapped back to reality it was right after some voice in my head said "Come with the question you've answered, leave with the question you've seeked." I have no idea what the hell that was about, maybe I was asleep or deep in trance, but either way thats what I came too with. I've been wondering about what it may have meant though, I mean, it sounds like something one of those zen people would say and yet who knows if its gibberish or not? Maybe its something I heard or read somewhere. Anyway, all I can read into it is that there is something about denile going on in my mind, which is something I've been wondering about for a long time.

You see, I'll tell people that I'm happy, but I'm not, and problably havn't been for a long time. When I came back and was calm I realized that the reason I don't get pissed off at people all the time now is because I've always just been mad at myself, and now my anger turns to depression when I feel it. I'll still get angry sometimes, but for the most part when I start having those things pop up I just get depressed. And then I'll eat, or I'll drink, or I'll smoke and brood about what I hate about my life. All my anger is turned inside, and when you add that whole thoughts that I must be denying something within myself it all sort of starts to make sense. But I've come to a conclusion, now brace yourselves, ready? Okay, I'm Fat.

I'll give you all a second to take that in.

Okay, apart from wanting to use the Family Guy quote there, I really do think that most of my problems can be traced back to a serious issue I have with my own weight. And I honestly do try to keep it at bay from time to time, but I never seem to be able to really lose the weight that I want to get rid of. When I look in the mirror I'll tell myself that its not too bad and that I'll eventually get to that point where I'm doing something about it, but I havn't gotten there yet, and I think that I need to take a stand and just be at the point where I am doing something about it rather than procrastinate, ignoring the obvious problem and imagining that its not really there, going on with my life like nothing was wrong. Paul and Tracy gave me "Silent Bob Speaks" for my birthday and I was reading about his weight problems (which he talks about with much more humor than I am, but he's funnier than I, so it's okay) and I realized that no one wants to think of their weight as a problem. No one wants to do anything about it because to do something about it is to admit that you have a problem with it. I think thats whats been my problem for a long time. When I was in San Diego I ended up watching an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a married couple losing some weight and for some reason that show really got to me and I started thinking seriously about my weight. I went and found a little electronic scale and stepped on it and all it said was "Err," which I assume means 'error' but could also be the scale straining against the massive weight that was placed on it (err.... god, get off! err!) I tried working out this summer, I tried to watch what I ate but I always fall back into my deviant ways in what most psychologists would probably call a "shame spiral" in which you relapse, and then, feeling bad about the relapse, you just continue the habit further because you feel like your such a fucking failure. Or something like that. And it is hard to change a life style, and to give up things we love (like food) in order to do something that doesn't seem to have a direct immediate effect on our health but will have effects latter, but hey, later is later man.

Anyway, I was thinking about this for the last week alot, and in the last few months I've been seriously thinking about how I am to go about losing the extra weight and I realized after reading Kevin Smith's article about it that the best way to go right now would be to go with my first instinct and talk about it openly in some way that I'm comfortable with, i.e. on my blog, where I can say whatever I want and not have to feel to bad about it.

So why now, all of a sudden? For one reason I made a goal a few years ago that I would be in a least moderatly good health when I left college, and secondly, my pants. When I first moved up to Reno four years ago my mom came in and took me shopping and I got a few shirts and about 6 pairs of pants. All the pants were the same size and all were the same company. They all fit then pretty good, maybe a little loose, but for the most part they fit well. Well, since then I'm sure I've put on a fair amount of weight, and maybe in my few spells of trying to diet and exercise lost a little and then regained it, but through it all I've worn those same pants, almost everyday, whenever you see me in jeans you can be sure they are one of those six pairs. But lately I've noticed that they are starting to pinch a little bit, and some pairs that I don't wear as frequently and thus don't stretch out are getting harder to zip. And I've said to myself "I'm not, under any circumstance, going to stop wearing these pants, and if I get to fat to wear them, there I can never go out in public because I won't be wearing any pants."

I've tried exercising, every couple of months I go at it for a few weeks or a month and then I loose interest in exercising and just stop doing it for a couple of months until I start feeling bad about it and go back for more, but the infrequency of it all isn't really helping me. So I'm not going to do that right now. I really think if I am to be serious about getting the weight off I need to do it in a way that I can keep up for long enough for it to actually do something. Which is why instead of just going hardcore to the gym for a few weeks and eating whatever the hell I want I am going to start with a diet. And to start it off with, as I've already decided and started to impliment, I am giving up fast food. Its a small gesture maybe, but I eat a ton of that crap, I mean, I'll sometimes eat only fast food for a week, well, I'll have one meal a day thats fast food and then I'll go home and snack on some crackers and cheese and drink some diet coke. The crackers and cheese and diet coke probably don't hurt too bad, but the fast food does bad. And when I'm not eating that I'll get a frozen pizza and eat a whole pizza in a day and top it off with some ice cream. A fucking wonderful habit that I am also breaking with my ban on fast food. I stopped eating fast food for a month and a little change when I first saw "Super-Size Me" and I don't know that I lost much weight but I started feeling a bit better, and my diet seemed to be a lot better. But at the same time, I know little about nutrition and I'm lazy about what I eat, which is why last time I went to the store I bought some PB&J and some cereal and non-fat milk and tried to make that more of my diet. Speaking of which, I believe I will make myself a PB&J right now...

Okay, I'm going to hold off on that because I need to leave the house in about fifteen minutes and I want to finish up before needing to slip just this part of my conversatation into part three.

I think what I am trying to get at with all this talk is just to let people see why I am worried about this and why I really want to loose some weight. I also am saying this in case you call and ask me to go to dinner or something and I sidestep the issue and say that I don't want to go to out because I have cramps or some shit like that, or maybe that I broke my leg and I'm also Polish, so I can't go out on (whatever day it is). Why Polish? I really don't know. But the thing is the fast food fast is only the first (hopefully) part of my planned diet. You see, like when scuba divers are coming to the surface and have to stop every ten feet or so to reclimatize themselves to the changing pressure, so am I trying to get to a point where I can break the surface and be eating well and exercising and really losing weight, and the first step is to cut a bulk of the junk food from my life, once thats gone we'll move on to trying to actually eat healthy, with fruits and vegetables and everything.

Most people make resolutions at the new year, when asked by Tracy last new years what my resolution was I said it was to "stop making resolutions." But really I just don't like new years resolutions, because the new year is too abstract for me. But I've made my own little resolution which is that by my 23rd birthday I will be healthier and lighter. Which is why I'm starting now, a few months ago I think I said to myself I need to lose 30 pounds by winter break, that probably won't happen, but we'll see, it could I suppose, but my goal now is at least 50 pounds gone by 8-31-07. And from there hopefully whatever more I need to lose to get down to my 'ideal weight.'

So, yeah, thers part two. I think next week I'll go back to some randam crap that I normally talk about, but there may be a part three in the next month or so. But look forward, for now, to me bitching about my classes and people in said classes as that will problably be my choice topic for the next couple of weeks, as it always is when I schools going.

Part One

I just got back from San Diego about two hours ago. On the way back up I got caught up with a sudden stoppage of traffic. Thinking that I was in for the long haul I slouched back in my seat and started to daydream a little about how nice it would be to be home already when suddenly this huge black pick-up in front of me swerves out of the way. Next thing I see is a smaller pickup fishtailing wildly out of control on the other side of the road. It had a trailer with a bunch of construction equipment in it, which was, at one point perpendicular, and another point side to side with the truck, the truck began to rear around to face the opposite direction it had been going, but I turned my attention back to the driving to see another pickup on the other side of the road, this one fully stopped, with a man halfway out the window, arm outraised in the air, not paying attention to what was going on right in front of him with the runaway truck and yelling, just yelling, I don't know what he was yelling with the window rolled up I couldn't hear, but he was yelling at someone on the other side of the road. I turned to see, as I'm slowly vearing out of the way of the out of control truck, to see a cop standing by his car with the lights already on. At first I wondered how he got there so fast but then I saw that there was a dusty old black pontiac wrapped around a telephone pole a few yards away and a long haired kid with the look of someone who had just caught the break of a lifetime standing by. I would have given anything to have that moment in my life caught on film.

Other than that my trip was mostly uneventful. My sister and I clash really bad, I have noticed. I think I understand a little bit better now why, but it still is hard for us to get along with one another. We seem to get along alright with all sorts of other people but never each other. She is so much like my dad sometimes its unreal. Well, my dad isn't like that as much anymore, but she is. What I mean is my dad was the type of guy who would get really pissed off at me for small mistakes and infractions and then when I really screwed up have no idea how to handle it and mostly just ignore it after telling me he didn't approve. Its hard to deal with someone like that, thats just how my sister is. I got berated many times for being somewhat clumsy in her small apartment with shit everywhere (I was there to help her move in, everything was everywhere the whole time) but then I screwed up something on her computer, something that was fixable and didn't cause any real damage, but pretty damn annoying to her and she just kind of shut down and couldn't even deal with me. Maybe its just a symptom of not being able to express herself that well, I think thats how my dad was, but he's been getting theropy for a while now and its really helped him to deal with me a lot more productively. My sister can't do that yet, but she is started school monday to become a Psychologist and will have to get a lot of theropy herself and so she should be able to deal with me in a few years. I realize I am not the easiest person to get along with sometimes, but I like to think that I am fairly transparent in my feelings towards people. If I don't like you you probably know it and if I do like you you probably know it and if I'm mad or happy or whatever you can tell. I don't verbalize it that well, but I try to make it clear, and I think I do a decent job at it for the most part, so one should at least be able to deal with me based on such critera as listed above. Maybe I'm not that great at getting these feelings across, but I do really try to make sure that I am getting these ideas across. I just try not to let shit build up and explode out of me. I think I used to do that, I also used to let a lot more crap get to me which I've been able to avoid for a little while now by simply dealing only with what is happening at the moment and never remembering the bad times. There have been times when JJ and I have gone at it a bit, nothing approaching violence or anything but just yelled at each other for a few minutes and then kind of got through the moment and in the end we came to some sort of agreement or we stopped caring about whatever it was we were arguing about. Later sometimes JJ will apologize or want to talk to me about the argument and what it meant or whatever, not in a bad way, thats just how he does things which works well for him, I think, but by the time he'll bring it up not only will I not be angry anymore I will have sometimes completely forgotten we even argued. That was a long way of illustrating how I have moved more into the moment of emotions and trying not to let them build up. That is something I don't think most people in my family can do, which is why I think I have so much trouble getting along with my sister and why I used to have trouble dealing with my dad. My mom is kind of bad about it but she seems to be forward moving more often than not, just more passionate in the heat of the moment about things. She can let things go sometimes, and not other times. So thats probably why I can only get along with her part of the time.

Sometimes I'll stop when I'm writing one of these long entries that deals a lot with my family because I think that it is rude to air personal business in a place that anyone could perhaps come across it, but then I figure, hell, my family is a big part of my life, I have a right to talk about it wherever the hell I want to talk about my life. So, that being said, I have a hard time getting along with anyone in my family. I told Mike tonight that I thought "That's it, no more family stuff for me!" when I was leaving my sisters and he asked "What? Like quitting or like you've put in all your time and you're all caught up?" And I said, "Both. Like I just paid off my credit card and now I'm cutting it up and throwing it away." Maybe not a perfect analysis, but I'm having a hell of a time dealing with my family anymore, and I'd like to be able to get along with them, but I think I need to be away from them for a while. We're all changing a lot in now, and in the last year or so, and there is just too much going on with them and I have no idea where I stand anymore and I've come to the conclusion that, at current, I am fucking incapable of dealing with these ideas with the people they pertain to so I am just going to go off to my own little world for a while and just try to figure out where I actually stand and bulk myself up, so to speak, so I am ready to deal with them when the time comes. Sometimes I want to join an order of Buddist and live in isolation and meditate and just fucking focus myself. I don't count myself Buddist or zen or anything, I just like the idea of nice, quiet, personal reflection. Every once in a while I will jump out of my head and try to picture how other people see me and I will see something that isn't quite what I was going for, but I don't know if I'm disappointed or not. It's a little weird, I just don't know where I stand. (by the way, this is not a cry for help to a religious person, this is just an honest interpretation of myself, if I want to get religious all of a sudden I will make it clear. I bring this up because I have said such statements in the pressence of religious people in the past (I don't think anyone here, but some people I used to work with jump to mind) and they instantly tried to convert me, and I said I didn't want to be converted and they said "i think you do." but I didn't/don't)

I'm not quite done with this diatribe, but I probably won't get back to it tonight so we can just call this part one.

All Is Well In Hell

Last night I had been asleep for maybe half an hour when, for some reason, my body must of thought something was going wrong. According to this episode of House I saw, sometimes when your falling asleep your body misinterprets the slowing down of all those fun vital organs and what not as your body dying, so it sends something, like a bolt of energy or something, I don't know, maybe its like adrenaline or something, but anyway, it send this crap to wake the body up to keep it from slipping under. It's a nice little feature of our bodies, I guess, keeps us surviving longer if something really is wrong. But yeah, nothing was wrong last night, and yet I was jolted out of bed a little while after I had dozed off with such a huge fucking shock. My whole body shook when I woke. My heart was beating like I had just run a fucking marathon. It literally hurt my chest it shocked my so fucking hard. I woke up and I could feel my pulse without putting fingers to it, my whole body was beating to rhytem of my speeding heart. It was scary to wake up with that much of a push, also because right when I woke I heard footsteps in the gravel right outside my window. Anyway, it was a really fucking intense situation. My body was so thouroughly awoke by this that I couldn't get back to sleep for almost two hours. I just lay there waiting for my body to get tired again. finally I got some milk and slowly drifted back to sleep again. I always have weird sleeping problems. Sleeping problems suck.

I mentioned to Paul last night that he should read John Nichols "The Milagro Beanfield War." I think most people would like it, it's a pretty sweet book. It's about this dusty little town that's being held down by this huge corporation, and this tiny little symbolic Beanfield gets planted, and it starts this whole book in motion. The book has been held to heart by revolutionaries the world over. I'm not saying that you need to read it in order to 'take the power' back or anything like that, but it is rare for a book to have such strong political power, so I think its just one of those things that people should read because of its importance to others. Also, its really fucking entertaining.

We went to the drive-in last night, saw a double feature. It's cool going to drive ins because there so different from other movie going experiance, but at the same time it really sucked because the second movie (which was Clerks II) was blurry the entire way through and the radio station that you needed to turn into to hear the movie was getting interferrance, so we had to listen to this spread out speakers all around the place and it made a lot of weird echos. The shitty part was that the first movie (Pulse) was clear and the radio worked. Also, Pulse sucked, which I think we all knew it would. It got a few good wise cracks in though, and a lot of bad wise cracks in, so it worked out in the end.

Now I am off to work on homework or take a nap, whichever comes first.

Swing from the shoulder of your soul

I finally saw Ong-Bak last night, something I've been meaning to watch for a long time. It was good, that guy was really liked throwing elbows. I also saw The Big Lebowskie all the way through for the first time. I've seen most of the movie before, but never all at once, so that was also plesant. I don't really have a whole lot to blog about right now, I'm just trying to kickstart my brain because I have a lot of homework I havn't gotten around too this weekend and it is time to do that shit. I woke up this morning after having a dream that WWIII had started in Iraq and that this model chick I have a bunch of pictures of on my computer was the mascot for it and I got jealous because I wanted to keep her all to myself. Even though I knew she wasn't ever mine, but still. Its weird to get jealous of shit in your dreams, especially when its something that you have no right to be jealous about. When I woke up I had a Common Rider song going through my head and that is what I listen to know. They are really, really good. I heard them first on one of those punk compilation albums that I used to buy from hot topic. You should check them out if you havn't heard them before.
I was working on a short story and I got right up to the end and realized that I had no idea what the fuck I was thinking when I started that story. There's a whole page of the story devoted to one of the characters talking about zombies and I was reading it over and thinking "why the fuck did I put this in this story?" I wrote something insane recently, I called it experimental literature. I sort of thought it worked, but I guess it didn't, at least according to my professor. He sort of went on this weird tirade in class before he handed back the story. He kept bringing up other peoples stories and talking about them, then he'd look over at me and without mentioning me by name would say something like "And then there are those of you that I still think have talent and I'm not giving up on, even though they copped out for this assignment." No one in there probably knew he was talking about me except for him and me. I've had that professor before, he's read my stories before, worked on them with me, thats how I know he was talking about me. but whatever, i wasn't that upset, a little embarresed, but not too bad. Whenever I freewrite shit it always gets super insane, its really weird, even to me, but I just let the freewriting go and I end up with something kind of funny but that I can't really turn into anything else. I tried to turn one of those into something else, something better, and I ended up with something decidedly bad. Oh well, I'm not going to get better unless I try new things.
Whenever classes are in session I always think that, this time, I'm going to meet a nice girl in one of those classes and we are going to hit it off and maybe I'll get even more than one date out of the deal. But then everytime I end up not meeting someone, or screwing it up, or not asking out the girl, or at least the right girl. Or I'll spend time working on one of them only to realize that they are wearing a wedding ring. This time in classes I havn't even bothered, I've pretty much given up all hope of actually being able to forge an actual human connection with a girl anymore. I used to try, really I did, but I'm just so crapy at getting to know people and keeping in touch with them. I don't really think that I am designed for relationships anymore. maybe i never was. sometimes I'll think about how it would be really easy for me if I wanted to become a monk or a priest or someone that had to swear off inter-gendered relations. I mean, I'm so bad at starting those relationships up that if I said "i can't do that because of god or buddah or batman or whoever" it'd kind of be good for me in a way. its like, no longer am i bad at it I just can't do it. which plays to my weakness, turning it to a strength. of course, don't misread this, i'm not planning on doing anything like that. i just think that giving up on the concept of relationships would be the easiest part of any transfer to a life like that.
speaking of monks, when we watched Ong-Bak last night I made the comment that the monks that learn all the martial arts are the best (coolest) types of monks. but then I got to thinking that I like the ones that brew a lot of beer too. Its really a toss up between those two groups which is the coolest. because even the ones that learn to fight aren't really supposed to fight anyway, so its not like they're all running around like in the movies fighting and looking cool. the beer making ones would be the group I would have to go to if I were to go to a group, mostly because I don't think I could make it as a kick-ass monk, but I could definatly make it as a beer drinking monk.
I guess I should get started on my homework now. Only two more weeks of school, which sounds cool but it means that I have a lot of shit to do before that time is up. I have four books to read, one big paper to write, one presentation, and a couple of tests to think about, not to mention that I have reading responses due back tommorow for one class. Summer classes go by crazy fast.

rompin' and a stompin' cause I'm in my prime

Yesterday was a hot day. It wasn't as hot as some other days have been though, but it was kicking my ass. People wanted me to go play basket ball in the middle of the afternoon and I wouldn't go because I knew the sun and heat would kick my ass. Later when we went over the the skot/ethan/cheb/zaq house I had to go outside because it was way to hot inside for me and I was getting sick. After a while outside I was dying and I made paul take me home because I thought I was going to faint from the heat. I really don't do well in any heat. Of course, I can usually handle it in the summers, I don't know what it is now. Maybe there is some sort of underlying problem that is making me more heat sensitive these days. Whatever it is it is not pleasant.

I should be reading right now. I really should be reading right now.

Sometimes I wake up after having a dream or a sleep thought that there is some girl in my bed and I reach over for her and wake up enough to realize that no such girl exists. Most of my days I think that there really isn't any reason that I really need a girlfriend now, I think to myself it'd be nice, but its not necessary. But then when I think of how insanly nice it would be I get a little depressed. I have trouble getting close to people. I think thats why I've had such a hard time finding a girl that I connect with in even a slight way.

I was just thinking about taking a magnet to my cell phone. Not to destroy it, or at least that wasn't the reason for doing it, but to see what would happen. I assume it would probably destroy it. By the way, if robots ever start taking over the world, we should stock up on magnets. Also EMPs.

Today I feel different somehow. I just woke up and felt this weird longing for something. And I woke up and realized that I was actually experiancing something most people call 'emotions.' usually the only thing close to real human emotion in me is hunger or the need to crap. not really emotions, but thats as close as I come to them. i just woke up feeling a helluva lot different today. i don't know why. whatever it is i sort of like it. "maybe its love." "i know what an erection feels like, michael! no... this is something different. It's like... my heart is getting hard." It's not love in this case, but yeah. today is not a good day for writing, i can't really think right. today is a good day for experiancing, so that is what I shall do.

Nature is Cool

Lightning struck a tree right across the freeway. There was a pretty cool looking ring of fire for awhile. I've never seen lightning strike that close, it was hitting the hills behind TMCC and smoke was raising all around the landscape. We were outside on the stairs watching it, the neighbors were out, they have a little boy, who was the first to see the fire start on the tree, and was scarred out of his mind for a while until his mother, who has blonde hair going down to her butt, comforted him. Later we were watching a terrific magnificant splendid combination of what looked like 7 differnt bolts of lightning, but was probably really just one, all spread out, hit a spot on the other side of the hill. A strange glow of green lit up the crest of the hill, it was beautiful, jumping up I pointed it out yelling "Did you see that?! That was some special effect shit going on over there!"

My point is, Nature is cool.

I was driving from my apartment over to pauls and turned on Bob.FM and the DJ was drunk as a drunk. He was slurring trying to explain something about some sort of thingy going on tommorow. It would have been funny except for it was really just sad. Maybe he wasn't drunk, maybe he's just one of those people that have blown out their brains with decades of drugs and alcohol and now just sounds like that all the time. Like a rock star.

My sister is broke and stuck in europe for a few more weeks. Actually I think she got some money now, somehow. I don't know, she's going to be in so much debt when she gets back, which is augmented by the fact that she is taking out a lot of student loans as soon as she gets back to go to grad school.

I still have to take two or three lower division classes at UNR before I graduate. I really, really don't want to take those classes. I don't know why I can't just take the upper-division courses in the same field, I would much prefer it. I can't stand lower level classes anymore. Their just so basic. I hate basic.

Zaq is talking about going to see a couple of movies tommorow. One is Clerks II, the other is Lady in the Water. So far Lady has gotten pretty universally bad reviews, with even the people who liked it saying "hey, its not great, but, you know, hey, I sort of liked it." Actually that is pretty much what people have said of Clerks as well. But I think the Kevin smithy-ness of it, the zaniness I suppose, makes people on the fence like it rather than dislike it. I'm not sure if its going to be any good, I hope it is. I'm usually pleased with Kevin Smith movies. But I think theres something thats happened where a lot of people have said Kevin Smith is a genius because of Clerks and yet aside from that movie none of his movies are great achievments. I don't think thats a bad thing, I'd love to be known for one really good movie, but in compairing everything evenly to Clerks I we seem to hold kevin smith higher than he really is. Without Clerks he wouldn't have had a career, but since then he hasn't been able to achieve what he had, but I'm okay with that, hes movies are fun, devoid of any real intellectual processes. Things to have to be brilliant to be enjoyable. And the movies are all so differnt from anything else being made, its what sets them apart. A little slapstick, a lot of blue collar comedy, a little bit of philosophy, a lot a bit nerdy. I can't speak to Clerks II yet, but I'm going to think positively of it for now because I think that it will be a movie that really depends on your attitude towards it. If you go in wanting to like you and ready to let the movie just go then you will probably dig it. If you go in with low expectations and not in the mood for the crude humor and what not then you will probably leave feeling it was a bad movie. It's a theory for now, I'll test it out later I suppose.

Make it to the moon never have to crawl

Yesterday I was all suped up and ready to go with this whole school and thinking thing. Now I am just tired. I still like being in school and actually having that nice little motivation to use my brain, but now I am ready for a break again before I have to wake and go in.

Do you ever get that impression that you are in the middle of something that doesn't make any sense to you, and yet you suspect that it wouldn't make any sense to the people that it supposedly does make sense too? I suppose its just the idea of who the hell really is in charge around here. Well, not here, no ones in charge here. I used to like being in charge of things. I guess I still do. Of course the problem with being in charge of things is that you generally have to work with other people. I'm not really a networker sort of guy, and I don't like telling people what to do really. I was sitting in that class I ended up droping and the prof. was rearanging everyone into groups, and I just sat in one spot, deciding if I was going to drop the class or not, and I didn't really know for sure, but then I realized that in my personal obstance a group had just grown around me. Bag in hand I walked out, "where's he going?" they asked with pathetically disoriented faces. I don't blame them, people are always looking for a leader, I think what makes me seem more like a leader then some people is that I am not looking for a leader. But I'm not looking to lead. Group dynamics are not my strong suit. Autonomy leaves such a sweet taste in my mouth.

I need a bigger bookcase, or just another bookcase to add to my room. I bought a bookcase from walmart once. I had to put it together myself, which seemed easy enough because it was more like a giant wooden lego set than a piece of carpentry. A few little plastic pieces in a few little holes and it would be done, in twenty minutes or less. Of course, within eight minutes I had managed to clog three of the holes with tiny bits of broken plastic. I never got the bookcase put together. I blame it on walmart seeling crappy shit that breaks when all you do is bend it in three different directions at once. I havn't bought anything, save a couple of small things that I didn't realize I was buying until we were at the checkout stand, from walmart in nearly two years now. Usually if I say I'm going to boycott something it lasts about as long as I still give a crap, and although I stopped giving a crap about my brilliant plan of not spending upwards of 3o dollars a month at walmart, thus ruining them economically, I still havn't gone back to that place. I think its more than a political move, really, walmart is just a crappy place to shop.

Speaking of a materialistic culture, there is really only one item that I buy now with regularity that isn't a... disposable material? I don't know what word I'm looking for. But you know, things that get used up when you use them (used up when you use them, you brilliant man you! you thought of that all by yourself did you?) food and gas and such, the only thing that I don't need to buy to get around and, you know, survive, is books. Occasionally I buy movies. I guess I rent a lot of movies, and go to a lot of movies, so I guess I would need to include some sort of entertainment related category of things I buy. I don't know what the point of this whole paragraph really was. I'm not trying to say that I am a non-materialistic person, I very much am, I mean, shit, thats just how we live these days, but what I'm saying is that there are very few things that I want to buy and to have anymore, and books (and, yes, I count comic books here) are the only things I want to buy all the time. Its a strange feeling for me, because I used to buy everything like it was going out of style. And then some.

I really have still quite a bit of reading to do before 8am tommorow morning, so I should stop this little break in my reading to get back to what I was reading. Which was crap, by the way, never read anything by "Laxalt, Robert." Also, he's probably in some way affiliated with UNR, so you maybe heard of him? If not, watch yourself. I imagine a common scene in his day is walking around the UNR campus, finding a student that has fallen behind the pack and siddled up aside them "Hey, how's it going?" Asked Robert in a gentlemans voice, "Very well! And how are you today, sir?" says you, the common student in this steadily deterorating example, "Well, I am just wonderful. You know, the Nevada desert is such a nice place. I should now, I'm Robert Laxalt, I write about it all the time." Robert smiles and leans in, the stale stench of cigar smoke hovers over his head, and his eyes narrow. "You like Nevada, right?" insistantly his voice comes out, licking his lips he snarls "because if you like Nevada you should read my books! Because they are about Nevada, and Basque culture in Nevada." His large, hairy, sweating hands are on your shoulders, you try to squirm away but he holds you tight, and farts. "Oh, god!" sputtering, trying to spit the taste of the foul air from your mouth, but it is a tricky scent, and knows that your nose is in fact the place that smells are supposed to go. The smell stops for a moment in the small gap between the two of you, stretching and pulling a diving cap over its small, yet vile, odorous head. The infectious smell takes a deep breath and pulls a triple back flip with a swan closer and lands with only a slight sudder and swims deep into the vast caverns of your olfactory. "Oh god!" but its too late, and Robert smiles as he pushes you to the ground, for a few moments you try to scream for help, but the smell has infiltrated your brain by this point, and its nothing for it to stop the vocal cords for a few minutes. The water drips slowly from a rusty pipe. Your eyes finally open to the a single swinging 60 watt a few feet from your head. A blur of a black haired man, shorter than you, but with muscles bulging from places that no muscles have ever grown before, pulsating as the bulb casts shadows upon his face and devlish grin. No! Your mouth doesn't yeild to your plea, it has been handedly hogtied and left to dangle on the other side of the room. Okay, so you can't call for help, but you can run! Yes, all you need to do is slip out of these ropes, fortunatly you always carry a pocket knife, if you can reach your pocket. But thats when you see that your pants have also been hogtied and left to dangle by your mouth. The fiend, he must have known about the knife. Although that doesn't explain why your legs are still in the pants. Unless... no! No! ""The Basque Hotel," he begins in a deep and somber voice, it reverberates off the walls, echoing ever louder, "By Robert Laxalt, Chapter One..."

Step outside but not to brawl

I'll rant about how much I hate systems of control that people throw out there all the time. "This is how you need to act, this is how you need to sleep, this is how you need to eat, this is how you need to fuck." I really hate systems of control. And yet I love categories. I don't know if that is really contradictory, it doesn't seem like it should be, it seems like they are too different things. But putting things in categories makes them easier to control. But putting a gun in the hands of an infant increases that toddlers leathal prowess, it mean theres any control. I guess, though, that I should differentiate between my love of categories and the asinine way in which so many categories get created. I like categories that help me through my day. For example, I started taking a class that was labled an english class but when I arrived was clearly a business class. I have no problem with business classes other than that I would rather dip my body in carmel and dive in a pit of mongeese (mongi) before taking a business class. Sometimes I think that I would do good in an office. Sometimes I think that my personal hell would be structured like a corporate job, only without the perks. I think I would do good because it is mindless and I can zone out. Its sort of like cheating your way to a clear mind, or maybe its not cheating, if you believe you can achieve enlightenment through the 'wax on, wax off' school of Zen. Maybe you can, I like turning my brain off, its usually just insulting me anyway. Sometimes I think that Zen must be the simple lack of any system of control. I know that a lot of time when I write in this blog I somehow come back to talking about Zen, but I don't think about it all that often, maybe its just one of those thoughts that only wants to talk when I'm writing. I don't want to follow in any Master footsteps of the enlightened few. Really all I want is some sort of freedom to be who I am. For the most part I have that, yet there are always pressures to be something else. Some people are always in the process of reinventing themselves. Maybe the secret is really to deinvent yourself.

I went to chinese food today. "Turn your thoughts inward - find yourself!" said the magical cookie. I pointed at my chest and yelled "Found him! What do I win?" The cookie and I laughed.

There is nothing quite like going back to school to kickstart your brain into thinking again. It sort of feels like I've had my brain shut off for the last couple of months, making it through with video games and booze and fark. And now that I have my classes going again my brain is stretching and yawning and finally turning the alarm clock off instead of hitting the snooze again. I really think its this feeling I feel when I am taking classes that makes me want to go to grad school. I think to myself "the only thing I would want to go to grad school for was literature, and yet literature people can be pompus assholes, and I'm already a pompus asshole, so I really shouldn't add to that anymore," but then I realize that its really one of the few things that I am good at at all and it is a must if I want to keep going to school. I just don't want my brain to go to sleep. I havn't found a way to wake it up by myself just yet. If you asked me what I learned in college I may just shrug and say I can't remember, but my brains been up the whole time.

Maybe thats the point, just to keep your brain doing something. I mean, I can remember hardly nothing from most of my classes, here and there I have a tasty tidbit of information that I can pass on to others, but for the most part I don't know that I have learned that much, and yet I wouldn't trade it, in fact, I want a helluva lot more of it. Maybe my only real talent is thinking, and my muse is school. Thoughts go by the wayside after a time, all I need to do is excercise my brain. Once I can do that without the formal system of school I will be a little more free.

Soft spoken with a broken jaw

In the last two weeks I have purchased a shit-ton of books for my reading enjoyment. When I bought them I was thinking that I could probably get through most of them before the end of the summer, but looking at it now I don't think thats going to happen, the stack is large and my time is soon to be limited by summer classes. The reason I bought so many was because I thought that it would be smart to get up on my reading before the end of next year. The plan of going into grad school for literature seems to me to be easier if I actually have read a ton of literature, so thats the plan right now. And even if that plans falls through then at least I can be slightly more cultured before I'm out of college.

I don't know why I decided to talk about that just now, I think its because I can't really think of anything else to say at the moment. I got a giant blister on my foot last night and when I first woke up this morning there was a slight pain in my foot and I thought that my foot was trying to communicate something profound with me. Then I woke up a little bit more and realized that it just hurt a bit.

I was reading one of my books and it was talking about the San Fran 1906 earthquake and how it devestated the city and how it was weird that the people there didn't take the hint and just rebuilt everything on the same spot. It went on to talk about in nature an earthquake doesn't exist really because its just a slight shaking that means the earth is restless or something like that. I'm not really doing the author justice by paraprasing it thusly, because he was much better at expressing this point, but I just bring it up so that I can bring up my next point. I don't know much about what happens to trees when earthquakes strike, but it doesn't seem like they go down as fast or hard as buildings, and I got to thinking thats probably because the earthquake would have to literaly rip the roots from the ground. So then I thought of a whole new way of doing archetecture: root systems. Yes, build in an artifical root system to the building, make it out of concrete and wood, and you can be sure that building isn't going anywhere when the next quake strikes.

Now all I need to do is come up with some sort of earthquake resistent pants and I'll be in business.

Scathing political commentary

There are so many things that bother me about the state of affairs politics are in, the biggest one being how much everyone has to say on the goddamn subject and how fucking sick I am of listening to pointless bickering.

I watched "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" today. A totally ridiculous modern P.I. movie. That means its good, ridiculous is good. Crappy is bad, shitty is worse, cunt-whore of a director means that the movie pissed someone off but overall was a decent movie, and pure unedited horseshit means that it was Battlefield Earth.

I was reading Ian Fleming's "Casino Royale" on the plane back and I found a wonderful quote: "Bond guessed that he would kill without interest or concern for what he killed and that would prefer strangling....but his inhumanity would not come from infantilism but from drugs, Marihuana [sic], decided Bond" (Page 085).

Interestingly, the original theme song for the Bond film "Thunderball" was titled "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang," but was changed because the movie studio wanted something with the title of the film in it.

I want to paint it black

The first time I realized that I wanted to write was when I was a small child and read comics day in and day out. I wanted to write comics, and to draw them. In fact, I made my own comic book on notebook paper. It was about a superhero that wore a red ninja-ish costume and could turn into a ball of fire and fly to and fro. I named him (shockingly) "Fireball." I had almost a full issue complete when I realized that my hero and a candy that I was found of had the same name. Worried of stealing the name I tried to come up with something else. When I couldn't, I abandoned the idea. I wish so badly that I had a copy of that almost complete comic of mine, but alas it is probably long ago lost in a dump somewhere.

I think though that in creating this character I realized how much I loved creating such a character. When I was a little older I started to write a book. I was maybe ten, and I never got past a couple of pages with any of my various attempts to write this book. It was a book about a superhero, though, like the comic, but with less work because I didn't have to draw it all out. The hero was a toad, named (shockingly) "Super-Toad." Super-Toad wasn't really a first class hero though, and he had a sidekick (whose name I can't recall) that he argued with all the time. Super-Toad wasn't interested in saving the world, he was interested in making a name for himself. The beginning of the "book" started out with a scene that was essentially: "Super-Toad flew in through the open window and looked upon his friend Mega-Frog. Mega-Frog sat relaxed in the corner smoking a corn cob pipe and reading the times. Super-Toad smiled and said 'How would you like to make some money?' A sly smile emerged across his face and Mega-Frog smirked as he said 'We have plenty of money!' Super-Toad, eyes wide with surprise, responded 'But not enough!' They laughed at the gaiety and then, with a somber stare Super-Toad said 'But how about the key to the city?' Mega-Toad coughed a mushroom cloud of a smoke."

I abandoned Super-Toad and his adventures. If I am feeling adventursum sometime I may finish the story, but the story wasn't important, it was the moment of creativity that arose in me as I wrote. I wanted more than anything to write, and to write for the publics enjoyment. Ironically now I don't want anyone to read most of my stories because I don't feel they are good enough for others to read. Maybe I'm just a wuss, maybe I'm afraid of putting my work out there. I don't know, really. I've only ever sent one thing in for publication and it got rejected (and as most writers say, this is very common) but I've just never sent in another thing. I have a story now (one that I am not that pleased with, honestly) that I have had reviewed by a professor and I think that I could get it published with a little work and yet I havn't sent it in. I just need to go through it once more, I think, and correct a few minor errors. I tell myself that the reason I don't send it in is because I don't like it, which I don't, which is odd because I wrote it, but honestly the full story of it feels somewhat contrived and ill concieved to begin with. Yet at the same time I sort of fell in love with the story, and I think thats what makes me so afraid of trying to get it published. I look at it and feel I could have done a 100 times better in writing it and yet for a long time I couldn't get enough of it. I'd be proud, I think, to call it my "early work" if I were ever in a position to refer to it as such. I guess I am just afraid of sending it in. Hell, I'm afraid of posting this because I'm not sure if I got the point I wanted to across correctly. But I think I am going to post this because I havn't posted anything in a long time and this is a ramble enough that the only people that will read it are going to have some reason for reading it, not to get into my mind perhaps, but because something about this intregied them. I don't know what that would be. Maybe my eccentricities were appealing to them in some way. I don't know why I went through the trouble of writing out why I think I will post all of this except for to show how scared I am of having others read my writting.

I hate writing about writing. But it is one big topic that is always on my mind. So talking about it seems natural. Maybe sometime later I will write about some of my other failed writing experiments, but for now I am off.

Just a little bit special

Stephen Lynch is an awesome songwriting comedian. You should check him out, theres some good clips of him on Youtube.com but when I went there to get the exact links just a moment ago all I found was:
"UPDATE: No, we haven't been hacked. Get a sense of humor.

UPDATE 2: Apparently we can't spel.

UPDATE 3: Please stop calling the office, we're trying to work in here."

So just look him up for yourself, it shouldn't be that challenging.

As some of you may have heard me say in the past my favorite movie is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I could list a thousand reasons for why this is my favorite movie, but because thats not the point of this post right now I'll just boil it down to two words: "No Ticket!"

Anyway, I watched a movie yesterday that is now in the running for my personal favorite movie. That movie, Reefer Madness! It came out last year, I heard a little bit about it here and there but didn't see any of it until two nights ago when I happened across a Trailer of it and the next morning I rented it. I watched it, I fell in love. If you've ever wondered if you should take authority at face value you need to watch this movie. If you havn't ever wonder that, then you really, really need to watch this movie. But if you don't feel like watching a political movie, don't worry, this movie is a Five-Star stand alone musical. The songs are great, the actors are great, the cast is perfect. On pure entertainment value I give it an A+, a Standing ovation, a loving homage.

That is my entertainment update for the moment. By the way, if you have a sense of humor and pay attention to entertainment news I highly recommend The Showbiz Show. I thought it would be stupid because it was hosted by David Spade. But it isn't, it is the Daily Show of entertainment news. And David Spade seems to have found the perfect niche for himself hosting this show. It is a very well done show, I highly recommend it.