I'm still adjusting to this new computer I got. Its strange, I'm sitting in the JTSU and writing this, on a shiny white computer. With a giant glowing apple on its back. I feel like a different person when I'm on this thing. Its all like "look at me. I have a mac. I probably drive a hybrid and like dancing in the rain and movies based on true stories and something else about the environment and EVERYONE LOOK HOW COOL I AM!" Fortunately I don't feel that way. Yet. Though I imagine its only a matter of time before I contribute to the perfect storm of smug (I'll have to keep my distance from George Clooney...)
Really, the worst thing about this computer is how freaked out I am that its going to get stolen. My last laptop I never took to school because I was afraid it was going to get stolen (or damaged, by me). This one I take with me everywhere. I've had it for a week and I really feel like I can't go back to the way things were before. Of course I grow some serious attachment to every computer I have. I guess its because of all the time I spend on them.
And while I'm still on the topic of my computer, there is a counter in the corner telling me how long I've been conneted to the UNR network. Which is really freaking me out because I'll look up and say "this is costing me a fortune!" thinking that I'm paying by the minute (I'm not, but it makes me think I am) or I think "it really takes me that long to come up with a couple of lame jokes for my blog?" And yeah, thats annoying. I can turn off the counter if I want, before anyone points that out, but I haven't. Because I'm much happier complaining about something than doing anything about it.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Brain Damage Control
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm a little bit too impulsive. I woke up at three am one day and decided, for no apparent reason, that the hair I had been letting grow of its own free will for over two years had to go. Later that day, oh, it was gone. Sunday I thought about getting a new laptop computer. Today I brought home a macbook. Yeah, a macbook, my very own. Its so sleek and sexy and it makes me feel like a fool everytime I look at it. I'm not using it right now, its just sitting there, idly, right next to me. Not to say I haven't been using it, its just hard to surf the web since I'm too lazy to unplug my cat5 from this computer and plug it into that one. And because the only wireless network that isn't password protected that I can get onto from this apartment is insanely slow. Also I haven't got all the controls worked out. Macs are weird.
A while ago I suggested the idea of an online magazine that multiple people, including myself, could work on. The idea never went anywhere and I had all but forgotten about it until last friday, when it was brought up again. I think there is a good chance that something might actually come of it this time. Though who knows, in my mind the working title of it would be something like "lazy inc." and the tagline could be something like "yeah, we are too lazy to even capitalize the title, whatever." But that may be just me putting my own personal bias into the thing. Point being if your interested give me an email or a comment and I'll get back to you. I get really ambitious about stuff, but if nothing is really happening with it my interest will slowly decrease till there is nothing left.
I was working on a book of poems a little while back. I haven't done much with it in the last couple of weeks (i haven't done much of anything in the last couple of weeks, actually). I made a cover for the book, well, a tentative cover for it, while I was really into working on it. I have it up on my wall by my computer, with the vague hope that having it there would inspire me to want to finish it. A moment ago I looked up at it for the first time in a while. Its a picture of a train wreck. Just that and the title. Printed out on a black and white laser printer. It occurred to me that that may end up being the cover for the book of my life. "A train wreck?" You say, " what an original metaphor." Well I have one thing to say to you, mister. "Shut up. Jerk."
Really, though, I've sort of shut down lately. Maybe its the thought of graduating and not knowing what to do. I know I use that as an excuse a lot, but its on my mind a lot. I keep finding myself wishing for a relationship. Something more substantial than my relationship to smoking and drinking diet coke. You know, like, with a person, of a different gendered persuasion. Then I keep getting caught up in the idea that having a girlfriend in my life right now really wouldn't make all my problems go away. But it would help ease my worries, I think. Or at the very least give me this whole other field of worries to think about for a while. Sometimes I think that life is just a game of moving from one problem to the next before the original problem overtakes all common sense. Thats probably why I'm so unfocused when it comes to my life. I just move from problem to problem, leap frogging to avoid being in one spot to long. Like in old NES games that if you stood on a platform too long it would sink, but it would rise back up if it didn't crumple beneath you while you stood there. I can't think of what game exactly it is that I'm referencing here. The point being if you bounced back and forth too quickly the whole fucking floor would give out under you. I don't need to get away from all those platforms, I just need enough that I don't have the ground fall out. I just constantly need new different complications in my life. And lately I feel like I've been stuck on the same ones for way to long and that lava is getting ankle high.
I'd like to take a moment to point out how well that metaphor up there came together. That was a thing of beauty. At least by my standards, which are admittedly low.
I hung up a painting I found in my closet while I was cleaning it out today. The painting isn't good, well, I painted it so what do you expect? And it isn't finished, and I can't really remember what it was that I was going for in the first place with that thing. But I hung it up none the less. Partially to add some color to my room. Partially because the unfinished nature of it spoke so much to my habits. I never finish anything. I'm really bad at the follow through. I remember thinking I was going to whitewash it and start over, but now I'm glad I didn't. I have another blank canvas (I bought a two-pack!) and I think I'll use that to try again. I don't think I'll ever try to be a real painter, but I also think that everyone should paint from time to time. And take photographs. And sing. And write something creative. It doesn't really matter if your any good (I mean, unless you want to have a career in one of those fields) I just think that there is a lot of creativity inside everyone that needs to be released once in a while. But for me the fun comes in pretending to be an artist. And for some reason, even though I want to be a writer, when I think artist I still think painter. I suppose a lot of people do. Painting is art in the way we define it most of the time. Even though thats not the real definition, I don't think you can really be in any creative field if you haven't painted at least a couple of paintings. And I guess thats why I hung mine up. To remind me that, hey, at least I'm trying here.
A while ago I suggested the idea of an online magazine that multiple people, including myself, could work on. The idea never went anywhere and I had all but forgotten about it until last friday, when it was brought up again. I think there is a good chance that something might actually come of it this time. Though who knows, in my mind the working title of it would be something like "lazy inc." and the tagline could be something like "yeah, we are too lazy to even capitalize the title, whatever." But that may be just me putting my own personal bias into the thing. Point being if your interested give me an email or a comment and I'll get back to you. I get really ambitious about stuff, but if nothing is really happening with it my interest will slowly decrease till there is nothing left.
I was working on a book of poems a little while back. I haven't done much with it in the last couple of weeks (i haven't done much of anything in the last couple of weeks, actually). I made a cover for the book, well, a tentative cover for it, while I was really into working on it. I have it up on my wall by my computer, with the vague hope that having it there would inspire me to want to finish it. A moment ago I looked up at it for the first time in a while. Its a picture of a train wreck. Just that and the title. Printed out on a black and white laser printer. It occurred to me that that may end up being the cover for the book of my life. "A train wreck?" You say, " what an original metaphor." Well I have one thing to say to you, mister. "Shut up. Jerk."
Really, though, I've sort of shut down lately. Maybe its the thought of graduating and not knowing what to do. I know I use that as an excuse a lot, but its on my mind a lot. I keep finding myself wishing for a relationship. Something more substantial than my relationship to smoking and drinking diet coke. You know, like, with a person, of a different gendered persuasion. Then I keep getting caught up in the idea that having a girlfriend in my life right now really wouldn't make all my problems go away. But it would help ease my worries, I think. Or at the very least give me this whole other field of worries to think about for a while. Sometimes I think that life is just a game of moving from one problem to the next before the original problem overtakes all common sense. Thats probably why I'm so unfocused when it comes to my life. I just move from problem to problem, leap frogging to avoid being in one spot to long. Like in old NES games that if you stood on a platform too long it would sink, but it would rise back up if it didn't crumple beneath you while you stood there. I can't think of what game exactly it is that I'm referencing here. The point being if you bounced back and forth too quickly the whole fucking floor would give out under you. I don't need to get away from all those platforms, I just need enough that I don't have the ground fall out. I just constantly need new different complications in my life. And lately I feel like I've been stuck on the same ones for way to long and that lava is getting ankle high.
I'd like to take a moment to point out how well that metaphor up there came together. That was a thing of beauty. At least by my standards, which are admittedly low.
I hung up a painting I found in my closet while I was cleaning it out today. The painting isn't good, well, I painted it so what do you expect? And it isn't finished, and I can't really remember what it was that I was going for in the first place with that thing. But I hung it up none the less. Partially to add some color to my room. Partially because the unfinished nature of it spoke so much to my habits. I never finish anything. I'm really bad at the follow through. I remember thinking I was going to whitewash it and start over, but now I'm glad I didn't. I have another blank canvas (I bought a two-pack!) and I think I'll use that to try again. I don't think I'll ever try to be a real painter, but I also think that everyone should paint from time to time. And take photographs. And sing. And write something creative. It doesn't really matter if your any good (I mean, unless you want to have a career in one of those fields) I just think that there is a lot of creativity inside everyone that needs to be released once in a while. But for me the fun comes in pretending to be an artist. And for some reason, even though I want to be a writer, when I think artist I still think painter. I suppose a lot of people do. Painting is art in the way we define it most of the time. Even though thats not the real definition, I don't think you can really be in any creative field if you haven't painted at least a couple of paintings. And I guess thats why I hung mine up. To remind me that, hey, at least I'm trying here.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
News Cycle
I haven't really had the desire to update this blog in a while. I've tried a couple of times to put something up, but it just usually ends after a few sentences. Although I haven't really had the desire to do much of anything lately. Especially not school work. I really was thinking I needed some good grades this semester. Its not going to happen. Maybe in one or two classes I'll do alright. Not in all of them though. The problem is I really hate my classes this semester. Really, really, really hate them. All but one. But, shit, 1 out of 5. A 20% ratio of classes I like to classes I dislike. This semester is fucking killing me. And its going to kill any hopes at a decent GPA because when I don't like (or care about) a class I barely touch the text books. Which is exactly whats happening. I went in to take a test I hadn't studied for at all while I was hungover the other day. I'm sure that went well.
God, I just don't care anymore. I've just completely lost interest in almost everything. Everything but sleeping and eating. And watching Arrested Development. And playing WoW while listening to NPR and BBC, which seems like an odd combination but I find that if I think back to something I heard on one of the shows I'll remember it quite well, and also remember what I was doing in the game. I guess its like a memory cue. Like sometimes I'll be running along somewhere in WoW and all of a sudden start thinking about the Gospel of Judas or something because I was listening to something about it the last time I was in that place in the game. I forget what Bond movie it was, though I think it was Octopussy, and the first time I saw it I was looking through this stupid catalog full of novelty crap (I was like 10) and even now if I see that scene on TV or somewhere I'll remember looking through that catalog. And whenever I smell mildew I think of Pirates of the Caribbean. I guess that one makes more sense. I guess my point in this, other then that I've lost interest in anything other than the most mild of intellectual pursuits, is that if school had a way of linking information into my brain like these other things then I would probably be some sort of model student. I know there have been a lot of studies and such on the subject of how we remember stuff, I just wish people could apply it better.
One thing I do remember very clearly, and probably will remember for a while, from one of my classes this semester is the intense rage I get in my communications class. You know those people who have a false sense of how good they are at something plus have a really self-centered view of how things should work, plus have those really fake personalities? Yeah, shes one of those. And its a three hour class, so I'm supposed to get a break (they add in an extra 15 minutes in the once a week classes so that students can have a break halfway through) but most of the time she doesn't want to go till the time the class is completely over, so she plans on ending it like 45 minutes early, which is really only half an hour early when you calculate in the extra 15 minutes. This doesn't work for me at all. The room is stuffy and just so bland and she has this monotone that she doesn't think she has (shes a professor of speech communication, so she thinks whenever shes talking shes being fucking riveting) and she always tells us when were talking in front of people to make eye contact, which she does, but she never fucking looks my way because the once or twice she does after about an hour and a half of sitting there and really needing to pee and smoke and just get the hell out of a room that, if I really think about it, would be my idea of hell, if only for a few minutes before having to go back in for another hour and fifteen, she would see that my eyes were screaming. The last class she was talking and I was just smashing the back of my head against the wall. It wasn't really intentional, I just couldn't take it anymore, and the pain was a wonderful distraction. And I can tell that she knows that I would rather be sticking needles tipped with poison ivy into my ear drum than listen to her another second but I've been a good student so far so she hasn't been able to say shit. Fuck, I seriously dread going to that class. I mean, I hate most of my classes, but at least when I'm in the other classes I don't think about jumping out a second story window just to get some fucking air for a second.
I have this weird sordid love affair going on, mostly in my head, that's been driving me crazy. I guess that's a transition. My writing instructor told me he had noticed that I was really into the creation process in writing but that he (actually he said "we" and I'm not sure who else he was talking about, but whatever) noticed I wasn't too keen on revision. Which seems to be a side note, but I think it leads back into this. I build up all these relationships with girls that I barely know in my head. I do this all the time, not just right now, its a running theme in my head. And I was thinking that maybe the reason I'm so good at having these relationships that last months and go nowhere is because I just create in the spaces. I'm not with the girl, but in my head I think about her enough and 'write' the relationship for a few months till I have some interaction with her that really isn't that much of anything and then I just throw my hands in the air and say "that's it! I'm not pretending were going out anymore!" I suppose I should clarify so it doesn't sound like I'm that much of a crazy person. I know we don't have a relationship. I'm not following them around, I'm not going through their trash, I'm just sitting at home and thinking about how if I wasn't such a fucking fuck up I could actually be with them right now. An example, earlier tonight I was watching the discovery channel, something that really wasn't holding my attention all that much but enough that I was continuing watching it. And I all of a sudden had a desire for some ice cream, and I didn't have any in the house. And so I just imagined calling up my imaginary girlfriend and imagined her coming over with a pint of ice cream and watching the same crap I was watching. That is about the extent of the relationship I build up with these women in my head. Its not love, its not even really lust. Its just a desire for an attractive woman to pay attention to me and occasionally take care of my needs, ice cream and otherwise.
So who are these girls in my sordid love affair right now? God, its hard to say. I've gotten all tangled up lately. I just thought of "Teen Girl Squad," and the Ugly Ones "I have a Crush on every Boy!" Change boy to girl and that's about how I feel right now. I really only feel an urgency to have a relationship, rather than my normal lethargic deep sighing desire to have someone but an inability to really act on it, when something big is going to be coming up in my life. Like now its graduation. And when I graduated high school it was the same thing. And there is been a lot of times in college when I thought I was going to do something big soon and I started working harder and faster to try to actually act on my feeling (yeah, harder and faster, uhh!). I think of myself as being cursed with an over abundance of optimism on the subject of relationships. I just always think something will happen, and soon. I'm like the guy who plays the lottery every week for years and every time thinks he's going to win this time. I really have no better prospects now than I ever do. And the odds are still the same against me. And they are just god awful odds. And yet I keep buying the tickets. And I constantly think I'm going to win. Even though, really, I know that what I constantly hope for is just never going to come true. It gets back to my optimism. Like a girl that is into me is going to just walk up to me and write "I'm totally into you" on my forehead, and I'll have to go to the bathroom to read it, and then get another mirror to get a reflection of the reflection so I can actually read it, and then walk back out there and ask her out, looking like an idiot because she had written in sharpie and it just won't come off. I had a point somewhere in there. Ah, yes, that's what I would like to happen, for girls I like to make it clear that they would be willing to go out with me. Because its not the rejection of asking a girl that I'm afraid of, its me asking a girl out that really isn't into me out and she saying yes (for whatever reason, maybe shes kind of sort of into me, or she just likes me as a person but not really as a date and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, anyway) and me taking her out and thinking its going well and then I end up making myself feel like crap in the weeks that follow as I try to get a second date and her continuing to blow me off. So instead of a fear of failure in the initial round I'm afraid of that second round. Because that's where I always fuck up. And that's what really screws with my head.
God, I am so fucking tired of talking about this right now. You know, I don't know how many people sit there and read through every word in my posts but just imagine this long monologue going on in your head every waking hour of the day. I figure my post probably would take around ten minutes to read, give or take, if you read it all the way through. And since I can think a lot faster than I can type, I figure this whole thing counts for around two minutes of thought. And it just goes on in this infinite loop until I finally fall asleep and then sometimes it continues into my dreams, and then when I wake up its right back into it. Usually, sometimes I wake up with a song stuck in my head. And so I listen to that playing and don't really think at all about anything for a while. But then its right into it as soon as I wake up enough to start thinking. My days are just a daze of this crap. I think its why I like playing WoW and listening to NPR. Because WoW is just such a menial task. Repeat the same tasks over and over and over and over. That's all you ever really do. So that engages my brain that controls, fuck I don't know, actions I guess. And then listening to smart people talk about books and musics and news and politics gets the other part of my mind that, I guess just the part that thinks in a rational way. So with those two parts of my brain engaged I don't have to think about myself at all. I'm completely shut off. Its like watching TV, but even TV doesn't shut off my brain as completely as this combination. It used to be WoW and loveline when Adam was still on it. Then when he left I stopped playing Wow, because, what was the point? But now with podcasts I'm back on! Haha. This also relates to my blogs, because when I really get into a blog it kind of has that same affect on my brain. I mean, I've thought about what I'm typing so many times that I don't really have to think about what I'm saying at all, and I listen to music and I don't feel the weight of all my emotions on me anymore. I think that's why they go on for so long. About, really, absolutely nothing in a lot of parts. And I feel kind of bad about that but I figure, hey, its my thing to have the really, obnoxiously, long blogs. Its not like I make people read them. And it makes me look like I really have a lot to say when you click on my page because of all those words on the page. Like these words. Okay, now I'm just wasting time, because I've really run out of things to complain about. At least publicly. Good lord, could you imagine how long this thing could be? I mean, I self edit out a lot of topics that I just won't touch in this blog. If I brought all of those in, man, this thing would never end. I would have to work on my blog, like, eight hours a day, and I still wouldn't get it all out. Actually, that sounds like a kind of fun adventure. For like a week sometime. Just work on writing stuff for my blog for eight hours a day for a week (a work week, so five days). Good lord, I guess I'd have to talk news and politics if I did that. Yeah, I would. And entertainment. And probably a lot of other things. It be like a real blog! And then I'd probably get lazy and take an hour or two off and just post some half written story I wrote a couple of months ago. Well, it could be fun, I don't know. I wouldn't have time to do it for at least a month and a half, so yeah, I'll think about doing that. Mostly as a way to just keep myself occupied for a while after school is out. And also as a way to force myself into doing more writing that isn't just self serving like this blog.
Okay, so that last paragraph was supposed to be my last paragraph. And it seems to have turned into some sort of other tangent of thought that I couldn't stop once I got rolling on. But here, this is the last paragraph. And it is, as it should be, the most important paragraph ever. So I'll just summarize what I think I remember writing about: Eskimo Pie has gained sentience, I for one welcome our new Frozen Overlords.
God, I just don't care anymore. I've just completely lost interest in almost everything. Everything but sleeping and eating. And watching Arrested Development. And playing WoW while listening to NPR and BBC, which seems like an odd combination but I find that if I think back to something I heard on one of the shows I'll remember it quite well, and also remember what I was doing in the game. I guess its like a memory cue. Like sometimes I'll be running along somewhere in WoW and all of a sudden start thinking about the Gospel of Judas or something because I was listening to something about it the last time I was in that place in the game. I forget what Bond movie it was, though I think it was Octopussy, and the first time I saw it I was looking through this stupid catalog full of novelty crap (I was like 10) and even now if I see that scene on TV or somewhere I'll remember looking through that catalog. And whenever I smell mildew I think of Pirates of the Caribbean. I guess that one makes more sense. I guess my point in this, other then that I've lost interest in anything other than the most mild of intellectual pursuits, is that if school had a way of linking information into my brain like these other things then I would probably be some sort of model student. I know there have been a lot of studies and such on the subject of how we remember stuff, I just wish people could apply it better.
One thing I do remember very clearly, and probably will remember for a while, from one of my classes this semester is the intense rage I get in my communications class. You know those people who have a false sense of how good they are at something plus have a really self-centered view of how things should work, plus have those really fake personalities? Yeah, shes one of those. And its a three hour class, so I'm supposed to get a break (they add in an extra 15 minutes in the once a week classes so that students can have a break halfway through) but most of the time she doesn't want to go till the time the class is completely over, so she plans on ending it like 45 minutes early, which is really only half an hour early when you calculate in the extra 15 minutes. This doesn't work for me at all. The room is stuffy and just so bland and she has this monotone that she doesn't think she has (shes a professor of speech communication, so she thinks whenever shes talking shes being fucking riveting) and she always tells us when were talking in front of people to make eye contact, which she does, but she never fucking looks my way because the once or twice she does after about an hour and a half of sitting there and really needing to pee and smoke and just get the hell out of a room that, if I really think about it, would be my idea of hell, if only for a few minutes before having to go back in for another hour and fifteen, she would see that my eyes were screaming. The last class she was talking and I was just smashing the back of my head against the wall. It wasn't really intentional, I just couldn't take it anymore, and the pain was a wonderful distraction. And I can tell that she knows that I would rather be sticking needles tipped with poison ivy into my ear drum than listen to her another second but I've been a good student so far so she hasn't been able to say shit. Fuck, I seriously dread going to that class. I mean, I hate most of my classes, but at least when I'm in the other classes I don't think about jumping out a second story window just to get some fucking air for a second.
I have this weird sordid love affair going on, mostly in my head, that's been driving me crazy. I guess that's a transition. My writing instructor told me he had noticed that I was really into the creation process in writing but that he (actually he said "we" and I'm not sure who else he was talking about, but whatever) noticed I wasn't too keen on revision. Which seems to be a side note, but I think it leads back into this. I build up all these relationships with girls that I barely know in my head. I do this all the time, not just right now, its a running theme in my head. And I was thinking that maybe the reason I'm so good at having these relationships that last months and go nowhere is because I just create in the spaces. I'm not with the girl, but in my head I think about her enough and 'write' the relationship for a few months till I have some interaction with her that really isn't that much of anything and then I just throw my hands in the air and say "that's it! I'm not pretending were going out anymore!" I suppose I should clarify so it doesn't sound like I'm that much of a crazy person. I know we don't have a relationship. I'm not following them around, I'm not going through their trash, I'm just sitting at home and thinking about how if I wasn't such a fucking fuck up I could actually be with them right now. An example, earlier tonight I was watching the discovery channel, something that really wasn't holding my attention all that much but enough that I was continuing watching it. And I all of a sudden had a desire for some ice cream, and I didn't have any in the house. And so I just imagined calling up my imaginary girlfriend and imagined her coming over with a pint of ice cream and watching the same crap I was watching. That is about the extent of the relationship I build up with these women in my head. Its not love, its not even really lust. Its just a desire for an attractive woman to pay attention to me and occasionally take care of my needs, ice cream and otherwise.
So who are these girls in my sordid love affair right now? God, its hard to say. I've gotten all tangled up lately. I just thought of "Teen Girl Squad," and the Ugly Ones "I have a Crush on every Boy!" Change boy to girl and that's about how I feel right now. I really only feel an urgency to have a relationship, rather than my normal lethargic deep sighing desire to have someone but an inability to really act on it, when something big is going to be coming up in my life. Like now its graduation. And when I graduated high school it was the same thing. And there is been a lot of times in college when I thought I was going to do something big soon and I started working harder and faster to try to actually act on my feeling (yeah, harder and faster, uhh!). I think of myself as being cursed with an over abundance of optimism on the subject of relationships. I just always think something will happen, and soon. I'm like the guy who plays the lottery every week for years and every time thinks he's going to win this time. I really have no better prospects now than I ever do. And the odds are still the same against me. And they are just god awful odds. And yet I keep buying the tickets. And I constantly think I'm going to win. Even though, really, I know that what I constantly hope for is just never going to come true. It gets back to my optimism. Like a girl that is into me is going to just walk up to me and write "I'm totally into you" on my forehead, and I'll have to go to the bathroom to read it, and then get another mirror to get a reflection of the reflection so I can actually read it, and then walk back out there and ask her out, looking like an idiot because she had written in sharpie and it just won't come off. I had a point somewhere in there. Ah, yes, that's what I would like to happen, for girls I like to make it clear that they would be willing to go out with me. Because its not the rejection of asking a girl that I'm afraid of, its me asking a girl out that really isn't into me out and she saying yes (for whatever reason, maybe shes kind of sort of into me, or she just likes me as a person but not really as a date and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, anyway) and me taking her out and thinking its going well and then I end up making myself feel like crap in the weeks that follow as I try to get a second date and her continuing to blow me off. So instead of a fear of failure in the initial round I'm afraid of that second round. Because that's where I always fuck up. And that's what really screws with my head.
God, I am so fucking tired of talking about this right now. You know, I don't know how many people sit there and read through every word in my posts but just imagine this long monologue going on in your head every waking hour of the day. I figure my post probably would take around ten minutes to read, give or take, if you read it all the way through. And since I can think a lot faster than I can type, I figure this whole thing counts for around two minutes of thought. And it just goes on in this infinite loop until I finally fall asleep and then sometimes it continues into my dreams, and then when I wake up its right back into it. Usually, sometimes I wake up with a song stuck in my head. And so I listen to that playing and don't really think at all about anything for a while. But then its right into it as soon as I wake up enough to start thinking. My days are just a daze of this crap. I think its why I like playing WoW and listening to NPR. Because WoW is just such a menial task. Repeat the same tasks over and over and over and over. That's all you ever really do. So that engages my brain that controls, fuck I don't know, actions I guess. And then listening to smart people talk about books and musics and news and politics gets the other part of my mind that, I guess just the part that thinks in a rational way. So with those two parts of my brain engaged I don't have to think about myself at all. I'm completely shut off. Its like watching TV, but even TV doesn't shut off my brain as completely as this combination. It used to be WoW and loveline when Adam was still on it. Then when he left I stopped playing Wow, because, what was the point? But now with podcasts I'm back on! Haha. This also relates to my blogs, because when I really get into a blog it kind of has that same affect on my brain. I mean, I've thought about what I'm typing so many times that I don't really have to think about what I'm saying at all, and I listen to music and I don't feel the weight of all my emotions on me anymore. I think that's why they go on for so long. About, really, absolutely nothing in a lot of parts. And I feel kind of bad about that but I figure, hey, its my thing to have the really, obnoxiously, long blogs. Its not like I make people read them. And it makes me look like I really have a lot to say when you click on my page because of all those words on the page. Like these words. Okay, now I'm just wasting time, because I've really run out of things to complain about. At least publicly. Good lord, could you imagine how long this thing could be? I mean, I self edit out a lot of topics that I just won't touch in this blog. If I brought all of those in, man, this thing would never end. I would have to work on my blog, like, eight hours a day, and I still wouldn't get it all out. Actually, that sounds like a kind of fun adventure. For like a week sometime. Just work on writing stuff for my blog for eight hours a day for a week (a work week, so five days). Good lord, I guess I'd have to talk news and politics if I did that. Yeah, I would. And entertainment. And probably a lot of other things. It be like a real blog! And then I'd probably get lazy and take an hour or two off and just post some half written story I wrote a couple of months ago. Well, it could be fun, I don't know. I wouldn't have time to do it for at least a month and a half, so yeah, I'll think about doing that. Mostly as a way to just keep myself occupied for a while after school is out. And also as a way to force myself into doing more writing that isn't just self serving like this blog.
Okay, so that last paragraph was supposed to be my last paragraph. And it seems to have turned into some sort of other tangent of thought that I couldn't stop once I got rolling on. But here, this is the last paragraph. And it is, as it should be, the most important paragraph ever. So I'll just summarize what I think I remember writing about: Eskimo Pie has gained sentience, I for one welcome our new Frozen Overlords.
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