Phase Two: ???

So I said you may hear more about this idea for a store o' mine. I don't know if I like talking about it so openly at this stage, which is what I think the professional types would refer to as the 'pre-planning stage.' Or I may have just made that phrase up. Because when I think about it if you are planning a plan, are you not planning? So maybe I should refer to it as the pre-business plan stage. Yes, that makes more sense.

At about two in the morning the other night I came up with a name for the shop. Well, not the official name, mind you, just the best one I've come up with yet. I wanted something that said "books" without using the word books in the title. What I came up with was: Literate. The sign would then read: Literate, New and Used Books. But then I got to thinking maybe it sounds a little too much like an education center than a bookstore. So I don't know about that name. I thought of making it "Literate Books" but that doesn't make any sense at all. How can a book be literate? According to dictionary.com (which also claims braggadocious is a word) literate is defined as:

lit·er·ate
–adjective
1. able to read and write.
2. having or showing knowledge of literature, writing, etc.; literary; well-read.
3. characterized by skill, lucidity, polish, or the like: His writing is literate but cold and clinical.

Which makes it seem like a good name for a bookstore, but possibly misleading. The name isn't the most important part. But as it would be something I'd have to live with for a while if I went with it I suppose its important to have it work and be something I really like. I am open to suggestions however. Zaq called it Mor's Bookstore in a comment earlier, possibly just as a description of what it would be and not as a suggested name, but I'd like to avoid using my name in any form in the title. I'd also like it to be a short name. Something easy to remember.

In about seven or eight hours of doing some reasearch online I've got the bare bones basics of what I'd need to do to get this thing off the ground. The only real obsticle I can foresee at this point is money. No way I am getting a loan from a bank for this. Okay, maybe not no way, but very little chance. Even once I get the business proposal finished, which I've only just, just begun. Which means that the person I am going to have to convince of loaning me the money is someone in my very family (dun-dun-dun)! I don't even know if anyone can really afford to loan me that sort of money right now. Which means this idea may be going nowhere. But I have confidence that I can get enough start-up money and enough to cover expenses until I start making money on it somehow.

After getting the money the only real problem is getting the place I want. I found the location I'd like and the price on it is better than I would have hoped. And all I'd need to do is slap up some paint and some bookcases and a few chairs and couches. No remodeling needed. Also a table to put a chess set on. Totally. I just don't know if it will still be available come time that I am ready to move on it. If not I have a few back up choices, but none nearly so good as the first place. Well, actually one would be better as far as size and location, but the price might be upwards of six times as much, this of course because it has about six times as much space. But I might be able to lease out only part of it, so that would cut costs. Of course more space means I need more stuff to put in it, so thats more money anyway.

I've been wanting to open up my own little store since I was a young lad. Its always been a sort of dream of mine. That and becoming a famous writer. And directing a full length film. So now is the time for the shop. When I'm still young enough to do that for a while and once that gets off the ground I can write my amazing debut novel that gets turned into a movie that gives me the movie experience I need to go out and direct my own movie that wins every oscar. And when they present me with the last one I'll be all like "Take that Hobbits!" And laugh. Okay, so that may not happen. But a bookstore is definately something I could do. And honestly, if I stay in fallon working at a chinese resturant much longer I'm going to go completely insane. If I haven't already. Which I assume I haven't, but I guess I'm not the one that can be the final judge on that.

Clinton getting pissy

I have the news on in the background watching Hilary bitching about Obama. Goddamn, this is just the proof the media has been waiting for, I think. They all kind of seemed to think she was sort of a bitch. Or maybe that was just me projecting onto the pundits.

I'm already getting sort of sick of this job. Well, really sick of it. I really don't like working in a restaurant, but I'm sort of stuck for the moment. No other money coming in. Also, there really isn't a whole hell of a lot that I'm doing these days. I hardly ever see anyone that I don't work with anymore. I try to get out of the house from time to time. But there just isn't a whole lot to grab my attention in Fallon these days.

I've been fairly depressed lately. A big part of that is that I'm not sure what I've got to look forward to in my life. Part of me wants to go back to school and get a masters. Part of me wants to try to start my own business. Part of me just wants to get an idea and stay focused on it and write a book and try to get it published. The biggest problem for that last plan is that when I'm depressed I can't write. I can't focus, and I just don't have the motivation. I write a lot when I'm feeling good. And I think about my life and think that there is some good fodder for stories building up that I can work with when I'm ready.

I asked this girl I work with out on Friday and she said maybe. So I figured I'd give it a couple of days and ask again, but now I feel so awkward around her that I can barely talk about anything. Its really frustrating because she'll be standing there and I'll be joking around with this other girl and I can't think of a damn thing to say to her. The other girl is married and a bit of a nerd so I feel pretty comfortable talking with her. No need to impress her and I can be a dork and it doesn't matter. But the girl I want to go out with I have no goddamn idea what to say to. I suck at this. And I really like this girl too.

I do well with unavailable girls. And this problem is compounded because as I said I don't really have much a social life, so I don't meet many girls and thus don't have many options. And I'm sort of banking on getting into a relationship to try to pull me out of this rut I'm in. The more I want something the worse I am at going for it. Maybe I get afraid of making a misstep. Or maybe I just don't want to get my hopes up and the best way to do that is to do nothing and just hope it will work out.

Going back to something I mentioned earlier, I think I found the building I would want to get if I were to start a business. It's on Richards St., right behind the old JCPenny's that also used to be 88cent/Next Dimension. I forget what was in there before. Anyway, its just off Maine street and really run down and there has been a for lease sign on it for a couple of months at least, so I figure I could get a pretty good deal on it. The only problem being what I would want to sell. I was thinking maybe a sort of mini-Borders minus the music section as I don't think cd sales are going to go up anytime soon. But books, dvds, magazines, maybe a decent used section and, at least so long as I still have them left, the comics my dad got me. And a coffee bar. Maybe. If I could find someone else to run that part of it most of the time so I didn't have to make coffee for people ever. Actually the more I think and talk about this idea the better it sounds. I already know at least one person I'd want to hire to manage the place. Someone I work with at the Wok who I get along with and who seems to be really, really detail oriented. Anal, one might say. But not uptight, so that seems like someone that would be perfect to oversee things coming in and going out and all that crap. Not that I wouldn't still have to be in charge of that stuff, but someone that could prepare the paperwork and do it right and someone I could trust and would probably work pretty cheap, at least until I started making money, is perfect.

Actually, I like this idea a lot. If I can find my way out of this little rut I'm in right now and get this idea out of my head and onto paper, in some sort of business proposal, I just might be able to get a loan for it. I mean, there isn't a bookstore in fallon right now. I'm just not sure if its really something that is going to make money. People still read, right? If I make it like half used half new I might have a bigger profit margin. Maybe. Fuck, I don't know. I still like the idea. Maybe you will hear more about this in a few days/weeks. Maybe.

Domestic blend

Yesterday afternoon I rented the first season of Dexter. Very good show. They actually managed to make a likable serial killer. That show is very addictive. As I've finished the first season, all twelve hours of it, approximately thirteen hours after renting the damn things. I didn't sleep much today. Totally worth it. It's like reading a book your really into. Impossible to put down until you get to some sort of ending. I love shows with continuity. Sure, it's episodic a lot of the time. But it builds really, really nicely on itself. The guy is a sociopath. But he has a moral code that was imposed upon him. It wouldn't make sense save for that the guy who gave him the moral code knew what type of person Dexter would become. So Dexter has to pretend to be normal. Has to pretend to have emotions. Bullshitting his way through life. Don't we all on some level? Well, I don't. But then I probably should. I shouldn't say I don't at all. Most of the time I come off as a jackass because I tell people what I actually think. It isn't that what I'm saying is bad most of the time. But I'd rather hurt someones feelings then lie to their face about something. The truth is always the best answer, just not always the most likable one.

I'm so close to be happy with my life. So close. I thought that if I ever went back to food service my life would be miserable. But I've got an apartment I really like. I'm not all that fond of being in Fallon but it isn't all bad. I'm comfortable here, though I do miss some things about living in a city. And lately all I can think about is sitting on a beach down in Mexico and drinking Margarettas for a couple of months.
Or any beach without too many people around. Get a nice quiet beach house and sleep in a hammock and never have to wear shoes. But right now I am mostly content. I am missing something in my life and that is a woman. By my nature I am a loner. But I don't have to be. I think I'm afraid of letting anyone new into my life. After watching the highly ritualized nature of Dexter I started to realize that in my own way I am highly ritualized. I have a fridge and closet full of diet coke. I smoke Camels everyday. I sit in the same chair, I take a shower and go to bed at the same time. Normal stuff for anyone I suppose. We all have habits. I go into a coffee shop and before I open my mouth they make me the drink I want. It doesn't really matter whose working that day. I go to burger king and order the number two with cheese and no tomato. Taco bell and get a number six with beef and a diet pepsi. I get them to go, I come home and watch an episode of whatever sitcom I am into watching those days (currently Extras). One thing I am is consistent. And the introduction of a girlfriend would mean a change in my routine. She might call into question everything about my life merely with her presence. Yet I know I can't ever really be happy on my own like this. I think I do what I do just to survive. To maintain a system in my life so it doesn't descend into chaos. I live entirely in my head, and without a system I would be completely lost. The problem with my system is that it is entirely a self reliant system. It doesn't leave a ton of room for other people. I guess I fear introducing an unknown variable into an environment I feel is just barely stable. But in the end all it is is a fear. A phobia. An intangible feeling deep inside of me that I need to learn to master before I forever become its slave.

Yes, I am overly dramatic today. Sometimes its the best way to take a serious look at yourself, though.

Up the down Date

My life is not gone exactly as planned. Not that there was a real plan, I suppose. On the upside I have found myself an apartment that I really enjoy. The down side is that I am now locked into both Fallon and a job delivering Chinese food for the Wok. The upside being I don't really mind the job. The downside is that I don't have anything else going for me at the moment. Taking a job like this one is good when your a student. Short shifts and extra money to be made each night off of tips. But I'm not a student, except for in a broader definition I might call myself a student of life. I don't know that really counts.

It is a strange thing to be around teenagers again. A good half the people I work with are still in high school. One thing that has become quite certain is that the people who are my age or older, or even a couple years younger, who go out with teenage girls have either incredibly low self esteem or some mental deficiency. I used to have nightmares that I was sent back to high school at my age. Usually a strange man with a thick gray mustache (or how my subconscious views authority, apparently) would arrive with a message that I had not completed this or that and that I was to be sent back post haste. There is something hellish to me about the idea of being sent back to high school. Some people call these days the 'glory days' or other such nonsense. To me that is like looking back fondly on your times in a prison before you were paroled. I see myself as having made it through high school. A sort of exercise in surviving. True it wasn't all bad. But I'm sure I could have had some laughs on the yard with other inmates as well.

I suppose what my real problem is is that I am afraid I will be stuck around girls like these for the rest of my life. Mood swings, constant need for attention, flat out stupidity. Are these to be my coworkers for the rest of my life? It frightens me a little. Hopefully this is but a layover for me.

Not a whole hell of a lot else has been going on with me of late. My love life is the same nadda. There is a girl I really like that I work with. She's married, so I guess that train has left the station. I realized I am really only interested in a certain type of girl, and in my life I've met only a few of them. All the ones I've met have been in long term relationships. To me it makes sense they would be as I suppose the type of girl I like would want commitment. It's just my bad luck someone else swooped them up first. I'm trying to be patient and wait till I meet the right girl who is actually available. When I do meet her I know all the waiting will be worth it. But at the moment my patience is starting to run a little dry.