This is going to be fairly short. I've destroyed my laptop with a blunderous spill of orange soda and therefore am forced to use public computers until I go to Fallon and get my bulky PC. I'm not looking forward to trying to use it as the wireless card installed in it is next-to-worthless and will probably not even be able to pick up the signal that I've been using in my apartment, which means I'll have to start actually paying for internet again. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to do that.
As far as my New years resolutions, I've really done nothing in the last week with them. Not even bothered to think about them until today. I'm going to try to get back on track. I think that part of my diet/exercising/detoxing/whatever the hell else I said I'd do will now be involving a lot more milk. I drank about a quart of milk straight from the carton last night. This was the first time I'd had milk apart from with cereal in months. I'd forgotten its rich, creamy deliciousness. I must have more of it, you hear me, I must! I don't know how I'm going to work it in. Maybe as a reward for actually accomplishing some small task I've set out to do during the day. That might work.
I'm taking classes again, one at UNR and I'm signed up for a couple at TMCC. My first class was last night and although I was somewhat nervous about going back, soon it felt as though I were a fish in water and I remembered how easy it is to take classes.
Sorry this post hasn't been as wacky as some of my recent posts. There really is no excuse for that. I'll make sure to up the crazy in the next post though.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Resolution Week 2: Electric Boogaloo
The "Jesus, that went well" Edition
So in less than a week since my last posting I've already failed at keeping any of my resolutions. Except for the non-resolution of keeping up a posting on it for more than one week (boo-yah!). For next year I'm thinking I should make a resolution to get new auto insurance, which would be way easier to keep and also I could hear hilarious snide comments from the Progressive girl.
No, really, she's actually quite charming
So what have I been up to, then, in my failing methods of resolutioning. Resolutioned. Resolutionizing. What indeed? I can't really answer that question. I was planning on being on the second week of a diet and fully employed by this point, so mostly I've just been sitting around being bored out of my mind. The other day I went to the thesaurus to see if I could find a synonim for how bored I was. And while I did find out that "a board is a committee having supervisory powers, a plank, or food served to lodgers" (and what sort of supervisory powers include a plank and food service? ....GASP! Pirates!) I could find now word to describe my listlessness. I did, however, come up with a buddy cop screenplay that included the previously mentioned Progressive girl and Paige Davis from the RC Wiley commercials.
That's some fine police work.
I will grant that it is possible I am going a little nuts being cooped up and not really accomplishing anything. Although I'm still managing to have stress dreams that cause me to wake with a fear that I've got a big presentation at work today I'm not ready for. Then reality sinks in and I pop open a can of diet coke and apply a liberal serving of cartoons. It turns out that changing ones self is harder than they make it look on TV. Apparently one moment of good will does not in fact turn you into a better person for the rest of your life.
The surprising part is how little I really care about things. I've always had a "something will come up" attitude towards life, and lately that attitude has started to manifest itself more and more, to a point where I figure I'm just as likely to come up with something while sleeping late into the afternoon and plotting how I can better incorporate the eating of cocktail wieners into my daily life. I suppose this week has just been a week of apathy. I realize that I have little control over things in my life. I wish I could make things happen that I want to have happen, but at the end of the day I can either look back and see a lot of time wasted chasing after some abstract notion of success or I can look back and see a day devoted to proving the hypothesis that Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.
So in less than a week since my last posting I've already failed at keeping any of my resolutions. Except for the non-resolution of keeping up a posting on it for more than one week (boo-yah!). For next year I'm thinking I should make a resolution to get new auto insurance, which would be way easier to keep and also I could hear hilarious snide comments from the Progressive girl.
So what have I been up to, then, in my failing methods of resolutioning. Resolutioned. Resolutionizing. What indeed? I can't really answer that question. I was planning on being on the second week of a diet and fully employed by this point, so mostly I've just been sitting around being bored out of my mind. The other day I went to the thesaurus to see if I could find a synonim for how bored I was. And while I did find out that "a board is a committee having supervisory powers, a plank, or food served to lodgers" (and what sort of supervisory powers include a plank and food service? ....GASP! Pirates!) I could find now word to describe my listlessness. I did, however, come up with a buddy cop screenplay that included the previously mentioned Progressive girl and Paige Davis from the RC Wiley commercials.
I will grant that it is possible I am going a little nuts being cooped up and not really accomplishing anything. Although I'm still managing to have stress dreams that cause me to wake with a fear that I've got a big presentation at work today I'm not ready for. Then reality sinks in and I pop open a can of diet coke and apply a liberal serving of cartoons. It turns out that changing ones self is harder than they make it look on TV. Apparently one moment of good will does not in fact turn you into a better person for the rest of your life.
The surprising part is how little I really care about things. I've always had a "something will come up" attitude towards life, and lately that attitude has started to manifest itself more and more, to a point where I figure I'm just as likely to come up with something while sleeping late into the afternoon and plotting how I can better incorporate the eating of cocktail wieners into my daily life. I suppose this week has just been a week of apathy. I realize that I have little control over things in my life. I wish I could make things happen that I want to have happen, but at the end of the day I can either look back and see a lot of time wasted chasing after some abstract notion of success or I can look back and see a day devoted to proving the hypothesis that Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Resolutions: Week 1
New Years Resolutions Week One
The "Ow, My Balls" edition
Like many Americans I have set some goals for myself for the new year. Though, honestly, the main goal would have to be to not give up on other goals after one day of feeling like crap about something or another. Every year at this time millions sign up for gym memberships and every year by February everyone stops going to the gym. As it turns out, most people have the same trouble I have with the "stick-to-ittaness". Habits are hard to break. Lifestyles are fucking hard to change. If your new years resolution is to stop being such a dick to people, your still calling the old lady (at the grocery store, in front of you) writing a check and using coupons she clipped out of the penny saver a "time-wasting, pain in the ass of a useless old hag" by February. By then you've forgotten your grand declaration after your heart-warming Christmas that ended with you singing Christmas carols to a group of young orphans in front of the big town Christmas tree on New Years Eve. Sure, they proved to you that Santa was real and alive in everyone of us. But frankly thirty years of telling homeless people to get a job while kicking over their shopping carts full of cans is a bigger challenge to overcome than a single night of hope and joy can ever hope to over come.
So it seems silly to think that I will overcome whatever it was that I wanted to overcome in the new year. But at the same time its worth a try. Although not worth a try according to the so-called Nanny State wherein they say that New Years resolutions are bad because they may "may trigger feelings of failure and inadequacy" if you fail to achieve your goals. So that's what it was! I thought I was depressed because my life wasn't moving in the direction I wanted it to be, but no! It turns out I'm just sad because sometimes when I try something I don't automatically succeed! It's so obvious! I shouldn't be aiming for anything, I shouldn't give a thought to what I'm doing because, right or wrong, if I try something different I may not be good at it. And that makes me sad. To be fair to the UK, though, I have heard this advice before, from a very bright (yellow) man "I don't know. Trying is the first step towards failure" (yes, that man was Homer. Not the brilliant dead poet behind The Odyssey and The Iliad, but the brilliant Nuclear Safety Inspector behind the plot to steal a giant metal donut from a statue).
My first week in this Brave New Year has yet to yield many results. I started a detox to better my health before Christmas, gave it up, and started again on the first. I was better about what I was eating before, but overall I'm glad I had a little warm-up run of it before. After a few bad nights at the end of December I remembered an encounter I had with someone I hadn't seen in a long time I happened to run into in a Target the last time I was trying to make my life feel less like a depressing movie on the Lifetime channel. Not much of a conversation, but that day just had a good feeling to it. And I said something along the lines of "I've become unemployed and now I am happy". And for the first time in a long time felt genuinely happy with myself. Kind of a weird memory to base a series of goals for myself off of, but that was after a mere week of my regiment and all my anxieties were becoming just bad memories. Had I changed? Not that much, but my mind was clearing itself out. In the attic of my brain, I apparently had a lot of boxes piled up in front of the window. With a little effort light was starting to shine in again.
The downside to this year so far has been the constant pain I've had since it started. My body feels like its punching itself from the inside every time I fall asleep. I've got a cold, my head is stuffed up, my brain lacks any ability to focus on anything other than a singular line of thought. I keep thinking of a girl that I get the pessimistic feeling that on any given day I have a better chance of getting a restraining order from than a good-night kiss. I've been doing some reading on Zen/Dharma and an idea I've gotten from that, that I am paraphrasing the hell out of, is that desire is the root cause of suffering. I desire to be with this girl. I am not. I suffer emotional turmoil every time I think of her because of this. This problem has a solution, and it isn't the solution I'd like, I'd like it to be to win her over and be able to be with her. But the real answer seems to be somewhere around not having the desire to be with her anymore. If I remove the desire, I remove the discomfort I feel when I find myself lacking what I want. While I can logically see the reasoning behind that, I find it nearly impossible to remove that want.
While trying to find some sort of peace inside myself I instead find more and more conflict. It hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Emotionally I'm drained and physically I'm just exhausted.
In the end, I guess this is why so many resolutions fail. No one is going to knowingly put themselves into a situation that will cause a deal of suffering in their daily life for a while if they don't feel there is a reward for it at the end of the road. I honestly don't know that there is any sort of reward at the end of this road. I have to assume that everything I think I know about what I am doing is wrong. I have to remember that even if I think I know something will or won't work out I really don't know. That's really what trying is about. What happens in the future can't be seen. All I can do is keep trying and deal with those triggered feelings of inadequacy if they come up. I don't have any real insights.
Thankfully I don't have to have any insights, as I have watched a lot of movies, and remember a line from "Little Miss Sunshine" whenever I am feeling like this:
"{On Marcel Proust} French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he, uh, he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing."
The "Ow, My Balls" edition
Like many Americans I have set some goals for myself for the new year. Though, honestly, the main goal would have to be to not give up on other goals after one day of feeling like crap about something or another. Every year at this time millions sign up for gym memberships and every year by February everyone stops going to the gym. As it turns out, most people have the same trouble I have with the "stick-to-ittaness". Habits are hard to break. Lifestyles are fucking hard to change. If your new years resolution is to stop being such a dick to people, your still calling the old lady (at the grocery store, in front of you) writing a check and using coupons she clipped out of the penny saver a "time-wasting, pain in the ass of a useless old hag" by February. By then you've forgotten your grand declaration after your heart-warming Christmas that ended with you singing Christmas carols to a group of young orphans in front of the big town Christmas tree on New Years Eve. Sure, they proved to you that Santa was real and alive in everyone of us. But frankly thirty years of telling homeless people to get a job while kicking over their shopping carts full of cans is a bigger challenge to overcome than a single night of hope and joy can ever hope to over come.
So it seems silly to think that I will overcome whatever it was that I wanted to overcome in the new year. But at the same time its worth a try. Although not worth a try according to the so-called Nanny State wherein they say that New Years resolutions are bad because they may "may trigger feelings of failure and inadequacy" if you fail to achieve your goals. So that's what it was! I thought I was depressed because my life wasn't moving in the direction I wanted it to be, but no! It turns out I'm just sad because sometimes when I try something I don't automatically succeed! It's so obvious! I shouldn't be aiming for anything, I shouldn't give a thought to what I'm doing because, right or wrong, if I try something different I may not be good at it. And that makes me sad. To be fair to the UK, though, I have heard this advice before, from a very bright (yellow) man "I don't know. Trying is the first step towards failure" (yes, that man was Homer. Not the brilliant dead poet behind The Odyssey and The Iliad, but the brilliant Nuclear Safety Inspector behind the plot to steal a giant metal donut from a statue).
My first week in this Brave New Year has yet to yield many results. I started a detox to better my health before Christmas, gave it up, and started again on the first. I was better about what I was eating before, but overall I'm glad I had a little warm-up run of it before. After a few bad nights at the end of December I remembered an encounter I had with someone I hadn't seen in a long time I happened to run into in a Target the last time I was trying to make my life feel less like a depressing movie on the Lifetime channel. Not much of a conversation, but that day just had a good feeling to it. And I said something along the lines of "I've become unemployed and now I am happy". And for the first time in a long time felt genuinely happy with myself. Kind of a weird memory to base a series of goals for myself off of, but that was after a mere week of my regiment and all my anxieties were becoming just bad memories. Had I changed? Not that much, but my mind was clearing itself out. In the attic of my brain, I apparently had a lot of boxes piled up in front of the window. With a little effort light was starting to shine in again.
The downside to this year so far has been the constant pain I've had since it started. My body feels like its punching itself from the inside every time I fall asleep. I've got a cold, my head is stuffed up, my brain lacks any ability to focus on anything other than a singular line of thought. I keep thinking of a girl that I get the pessimistic feeling that on any given day I have a better chance of getting a restraining order from than a good-night kiss. I've been doing some reading on Zen/Dharma and an idea I've gotten from that, that I am paraphrasing the hell out of, is that desire is the root cause of suffering. I desire to be with this girl. I am not. I suffer emotional turmoil every time I think of her because of this. This problem has a solution, and it isn't the solution I'd like, I'd like it to be to win her over and be able to be with her. But the real answer seems to be somewhere around not having the desire to be with her anymore. If I remove the desire, I remove the discomfort I feel when I find myself lacking what I want. While I can logically see the reasoning behind that, I find it nearly impossible to remove that want.
While trying to find some sort of peace inside myself I instead find more and more conflict. It hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Emotionally I'm drained and physically I'm just exhausted.
In the end, I guess this is why so many resolutions fail. No one is going to knowingly put themselves into a situation that will cause a deal of suffering in their daily life for a while if they don't feel there is a reward for it at the end of the road. I honestly don't know that there is any sort of reward at the end of this road. I have to assume that everything I think I know about what I am doing is wrong. I have to remember that even if I think I know something will or won't work out I really don't know. That's really what trying is about. What happens in the future can't be seen. All I can do is keep trying and deal with those triggered feelings of inadequacy if they come up. I don't have any real insights.
Thankfully I don't have to have any insights, as I have watched a lot of movies, and remember a line from "Little Miss Sunshine" whenever I am feeling like this:
"{On Marcel Proust} French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he, uh, he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing."
Monday, January 05, 2009
Horror! Excitement! Fright! Queuing!
I've just thought of a brilliant horror/comedy film. I call it "Deadline!" Only, the movie poster would write it out like:
DEADline!
And maybe "Dead" would have blood dripping down from it or something. Of course, this could get confused with other movies since a quick IMdB search revealed 32 matches for "Deadline". Still, I'll make up a plot for mine anyway since its unlikely I will ever have to worry about it actually getting made.
An office drone named Sam strolls into work one day and is almost immediately beckoned into the bosses office. "The Integrated BBRC report is now due tomorrow! I need you to head this up Sam, this is our most desperate hour. You are our only hope." Says the boss. "But that wasn't supposed to be due till September!" Sam proclaims, as the camera casually notes that it a calendar on the desk proclaiming it to be June. "Well corporate says they need it now! And its a matter of life and death!" Says the boss, though instead of "life and death" he may say something like "of grave importance" or "imperative necessity" or something. You know, for effect. So the boss gives Sam the go ahead to recruit a rag-tag team from the office to get it done and they go into a room thats lit with that sort of soft-light graininess that you see in the Bourne movies and the new Bond movies, you know, so it looks realistic but also stylistic, which is totally awesome.
So his team is made up of a hot chick that has a bad-ass attitude. She's probably a temp or something and doesn't give a s#!t 'bout nothin' or no one but herself. At least on the outside, but you can tell she's really just a hard-ass with a heart of gold. And a mouth like a drunken sailor. He also recruits the old guy whose just always been with the company and he's always sitting quietly in the corner stroking his beard and he clearly knows that there is more to this BBRC protocol than anyone else knows and he's always saying things like "man must be cautious what doors he opens" and other stuff that sounds vaguely profound but is really just poorly written foreshadowing. He also gets an ex-marine that seems to have a bit of PTS from the war that he just got back from a little over a year ago. And that guy is goofy and acts like a frat boy but when it is time to get serious he gets really, really serious. Also there is some guy whose ridiculously good at computers and when we first see him he is just sitting there on a MacBook(TM) and drinking a Coke(TM) (hey, this is low-budget, we need all the product placement we can get) and then when Sam says "Hey, what do you think (nerdy computer guy)?" The dude is just like "one second, I just cracked the federal air traffic control board and I'm diverting all the flights from Pennsylvania to Canada. Guess I don't have to see my mother in law this weekend after all!" And thats how we know that this dude is, like, the best computer guy ever. Because he can break into any system, yo.
So now he's got his rag-tag team and they get to work. They sit around drinking Starbucks(TM) and saying computer words that everyone knows by now but that make it sound like they know what they are talking about. "We need to integrate the program into a Java script from an HTML format if we are going to upload it to a secure server by 2200!" Says one of them, with all seriousness. But as they are nearing the end Sam's iPhone(TM) rings and he is all like "Hello? This is Sam." And there is this raspy voice on the other end that is all like "is the program ready?" And Sam is looks at his rag-tag team and is all like "oh shit, its corporate!" and then he speaks into the phone "Almost, we are having a little problem with getting the proxy server to sync up to our registry." And the raspy voice is all like "you must complete the program by tonight!" all angry sounding and then he hangs up and Sam is all flustered and they all get even more serious then they were about getting it done. But the old man is all like "Do not trust men with such strict time tables" or something and everyone stops and thinks about that for a moment until Sam says "Thats just the way of the world these days, old-timer." But he says old-timer in a friendly way so it doesn't seem like he is ageist, even though he probably is. And the hard-core bitch curses about something or another.
The clock in the room they are working in closes in on ten P.M. and you can tell they are still struggling to get it all done. But then the nerdy computer guy sits back in his chair all smug and takes a big bite out of his Whopper(TM) and, with a mouth full of processed meat, says "Yeah, I just finished the patch. We can upload it as soon as you slackers finish up whatever the hell you were working on." And Sam looks pissed because they've all just mostly been waiting for the nerdy guy to finish because they were done for hours and he's all like "About time!" And the nerdy guy realizes he wasn't the first to finish at all, but rather the last, and you can tell that he is really worried about his rep as the best computer guy ever, even though he still totally is.
So they upload the program and then the lights flicker and the old guy has a worried, yet somber, look on his face. And he says "I believe that perhaps we should not go home tonight." But then the hard-core bitch is all like "F^%$ that, you old motherf&*&%%%^%^, I'm getting the hell to my goddamn bed and you sure as #%*(#%* #%*(^#%(*# #(*%^#(*%&# @)(#@)(# $^*@^$@ gonna stop me. " So she leaves, but the old man stays, and the rest of the team, the Frat boy vet, the nerd, and Sam, decide to head down the street to grab a beer because the Frat/Vet said "Hell, I don't know bout you boys, but I need a brewskie!" So they follow him because they think its cool that the cool guy in the office is finally willing to hang out with them.
On the way to the bar they notice that there is a weird light in the sky. And all the street lights are flickering. And a woman screams in the distance. Also, maybe there is a little bit of rain and lightning. The nerdy guy looks really scared, but Sam is acting tough since he's with the tough guy, and the tough guy doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary. When they are about to walk through the door to the bar, this homeless looking guy comes up to them and demands they give him some money, but Sam ignores him, but the tough guy gets in his face, and then they get into a fight, and the tough guy rips the homeless guys arm off in a fit of rage. But the guy keeps going like nothings wrong, so after a little more of a scuffle, they run away back to the office where the old man is sitting there with, like, a million guns.
The nerdy guy is all like "we just ran into a zombie!" or something and the old guy is like "I was afraid this would happen." And the tough guy is covered in blood and trying to wash it off and Sam is looking out the window when he sees a car crash through the fence around the parking lot then a bunch of people run in through the hole. And then hard-core bitch gets out and smashes a few of the people on the head and runs back into the office building.
"What the &^% @)(@ &&^& is going on out there!" She says, but she already knows!
So the team sits around for a little while then the old man relates some story about this time when he was younger and rasher and something like this happened in this little town that didn't appear on any map. And then thats how they know that this was their fault, because the program they uploaded was the final missing ingrediate to a zombie armageddon that corporate was trying to unleash on the world. And Sam is all like "Why would they want a zombie armageddon!" and the tough guy is all like, oh and he has his shirt off trying to rinse out the blood and impress hard-core bitch, he's all like "I don't know and I don't care. But we started this and I'm sure as hell not resting till we finish it!" And hard-core bitch is all like "your an idiot, I ain't going back out there, you dumb &^%!!" But you can tell she is totally impressed by him cause she's not taking her eyes off of tough guy and she's biting her lip all sexy like.
So the old guy tells them that the only way to stop it is to upload the counter-program directly into Corporates main server. And Sam is all like "thats fifty miles away!" but they decide they have to go anyway and they ask the nerdy guy to make the program, but he's all like "shit, I did that already. I never design anything I can't destroy. Hell, I can probably destroy it from here!" And he gets back on his MacBook(TM) and starts doing something, but the old man is all like "NO!" But its too late because this weird light starts coming out of the computer and then there is some more power surging and everything goes kind of purperly red for a few moments then all the lights go out. Then they come back up and everyone is standing there in the same spot but the nerdy kid is gone, or is he? They look around then out of a dark corner the nerdy kid jumps on the back of the tough guy and bites him in the neck!! But hard-core bitch goes all crazy and beats nerdy dude off. And now tough guy is bite and old man says he is going to turn, and hard-core bitch is like "no, no!!" but old man says he has a few hours before he turns so they run outside and get in the car and take off for corporate. Also, the old man says "The deadline to stop this is eight am. After that, all hope will be lost!"
They have a fight scene with all the zombies outside the office but they make it to the car and get in and hard-core bitch is being all sweet to the tough guy and taking care of him and trying to stop the bleeding and murmering about how its going to be alright and they will stop this before he turns. But as soon as they get on the freeway, they see a bunch of zombies walking around and then they go "oh, shit, we can't get through." But tough guy says "Just gun it till we stop, then I'll make sure you guys get out." So they do that and eventually the car crashes into a median after crashing through, like, a million zombies. So when they stop tough guy gives hard-core bitch this overly sloppy smooch and then he gets out and punches through zombies like nobodies business and they hold off the ones that come around the car with some of old man's guns and after a while when they are afraid tough guy isn't coming back, this big Hummer(TM) crashes through some more zombies and pulls right up to it and you see tough guy at the wheel, much more covered in blood then the last time we saw him. And he gets out and says "You go ahead! I'll stay here and keep them off your ass!" And so they don't argue but hard-core bitch cries and runs to kiss him, but she gets bit while they are, um, distracted.
But bitch, old man and Sam get in the Hummer(TM) and take off and they sit in silence as they drive. After a few flash forwards of the driving, they pass a sign that says "Corporate, 3 Miles." Only maybe it says the name of the town or something else, because why would one business have a sign on the highway?! Or maybe it was a billboard. Lets go with that. But then the Hummer(TM) runs out of gas!
So they take their guns and the now pale hard-core bitch and old man take point and Sam slides the counter-program (Oh, he put it on a memory stick before they left, by the way) into his shirt pocket and they take off on foot because none of them know how to hot wire any of the abandoned cars on the side of the road. They fight some zombies. And they have to fight some, like, zombie birds and squirls and maybe a dog or two. But they make it over this ridge and they can see Corporate and its all glowing that same purperly red and then Sam's iPhone rings.
Sam is about to answer it, but old man stops him, takes the phone, smashes it, and explains that that is how they are passing on the disease! Through cell phones! The horror! Also, they use computers. Which might raise the question as to why the first person they saw that was a zombie was a homeless guy, so maybe we could show him coming out of an internet cafe or something.
Anyway, the get up next to the building all sneaky like and Hard-core almost zombie bitch is like "Let me handle this" because there are a bunch of guys in suits with really big guns sitting there looking all professional and ready to kill. And Sam is all like "no! You can't, we can get around them some other way!" But she knows they can't and that she is already dead and then she reveals her dark secret!
She and tough guy were dating! Secretly! And she really cared about him because he saved her from an abusive husband and he was actually really sweet just a little screwed up! Just like her! She has a cat named fluffy! And donates most of her paycheck to an orphanage! But then she lets out a string of profanity laced gibberish about how she can take on the whole f*&^%ng Corporation after what they did and she totally goes all Rambo on the asses of the guards and creates a big enough distraction for Sam and Old man to sneak through a side entrance. So they get in and shot a couple of guards here and there and finally make it up to the Office of the CEO where the main server is. But its guarded by, like, fifty people! So old man says "Sam, you wait here! I don't know how to upload the program into the server, I was taking a class at the learning annex...." but Sam understands that old man is sacrificing himself for the greater good and Sam knows what he has to do. Before he leaves, old man hands Sam his cell phone and tells Sam to turn it on. Sam does so, not understanding. Old man, with a combination of walking out and talking to the guards, a lot of bullets, and a ridiculous amount of explosives he happened to have on him, pulls the guards off the door and Sam runs in with tears in his eyes for the sacrifice of old man.
But when Sam opens the door, its the CEO! Maybe we know this because we saw the CEO on a commercial or something earlier in the movie! And he is all like "Sam. I didn't think you would make it this far. I'm impressed." And Sam is all like "you know who I am?" And the CEO is all like "Of course, I've been watching you for a long, long time. You are like me Sam. Someone who never really belonged in this world." And we know he's telling the truth because in the beginning of the movie there was probably a scene were you can see that no one emails Sam or calls him or anything. "But you are also a very bright young lad" continues the CEO "and I knew that of all the employees in all my satalite offices, you were the one that could get the BBRC online in time for the equinox." And then Sam realizes just how much he's been used, but he also knows he isn't going to be used anymore!
"How can you stop me in time, now?" Asks the CEO, as we see a clock that says it is just minutes till eight a.m. But Sam charges the CEO, but, oh no!, the CEO knows Kung Fu! And he is totally kicking Sam's ass. But then all of a sudden Sam hears some cheesy ring tone and the phone falls out of his pocket and he understands what the Old man was doing in giving him the phone! So Sam opens the phone up (its a flip phone) and is all like "It's for you!" And jams the phone up against CEO's ear! And then CEO goes all purply red and Sam uploads the counter-program with seconds to go! Then there is a lot of weird light and sound and so Sam fucking bolts out the building and just as he clears the front doors the whole building becomes a totally awesome ball of purply red light and explodes in a totally awesome fashion!
And there were all these people around who were zombies when he ran out the door, but now they all fall down and then get up and brush themselves off and look at Sam, and he just nods and looks all somber and walks off into the raising sun.
Fin
And that, my friends, is my Freakin awesome zombie armageddon movie. Sponsored by McDonalds(TM)
DEADline!
And maybe "Dead" would have blood dripping down from it or something. Of course, this could get confused with other movies since a quick IMdB search revealed 32 matches for "Deadline". Still, I'll make up a plot for mine anyway since its unlikely I will ever have to worry about it actually getting made.
An office drone named Sam strolls into work one day and is almost immediately beckoned into the bosses office. "The Integrated BBRC report is now due tomorrow! I need you to head this up Sam, this is our most desperate hour. You are our only hope." Says the boss. "But that wasn't supposed to be due till September!" Sam proclaims, as the camera casually notes that it a calendar on the desk proclaiming it to be June. "Well corporate says they need it now! And its a matter of life and death!" Says the boss, though instead of "life and death" he may say something like "of grave importance" or "imperative necessity" or something. You know, for effect. So the boss gives Sam the go ahead to recruit a rag-tag team from the office to get it done and they go into a room thats lit with that sort of soft-light graininess that you see in the Bourne movies and the new Bond movies, you know, so it looks realistic but also stylistic, which is totally awesome.
So his team is made up of a hot chick that has a bad-ass attitude. She's probably a temp or something and doesn't give a s#!t 'bout nothin' or no one but herself. At least on the outside, but you can tell she's really just a hard-ass with a heart of gold. And a mouth like a drunken sailor. He also recruits the old guy whose just always been with the company and he's always sitting quietly in the corner stroking his beard and he clearly knows that there is more to this BBRC protocol than anyone else knows and he's always saying things like "man must be cautious what doors he opens" and other stuff that sounds vaguely profound but is really just poorly written foreshadowing. He also gets an ex-marine that seems to have a bit of PTS from the war that he just got back from a little over a year ago. And that guy is goofy and acts like a frat boy but when it is time to get serious he gets really, really serious. Also there is some guy whose ridiculously good at computers and when we first see him he is just sitting there on a MacBook(TM) and drinking a Coke(TM) (hey, this is low-budget, we need all the product placement we can get) and then when Sam says "Hey, what do you think (nerdy computer guy)?" The dude is just like "one second, I just cracked the federal air traffic control board and I'm diverting all the flights from Pennsylvania to Canada. Guess I don't have to see my mother in law this weekend after all!" And thats how we know that this dude is, like, the best computer guy ever. Because he can break into any system, yo.
So now he's got his rag-tag team and they get to work. They sit around drinking Starbucks(TM) and saying computer words that everyone knows by now but that make it sound like they know what they are talking about. "We need to integrate the program into a Java script from an HTML format if we are going to upload it to a secure server by 2200!" Says one of them, with all seriousness. But as they are nearing the end Sam's iPhone(TM) rings and he is all like "Hello? This is Sam." And there is this raspy voice on the other end that is all like "is the program ready?" And Sam is looks at his rag-tag team and is all like "oh shit, its corporate!" and then he speaks into the phone "Almost, we are having a little problem with getting the proxy server to sync up to our registry." And the raspy voice is all like "you must complete the program by tonight!" all angry sounding and then he hangs up and Sam is all flustered and they all get even more serious then they were about getting it done. But the old man is all like "Do not trust men with such strict time tables" or something and everyone stops and thinks about that for a moment until Sam says "Thats just the way of the world these days, old-timer." But he says old-timer in a friendly way so it doesn't seem like he is ageist, even though he probably is. And the hard-core bitch curses about something or another.
The clock in the room they are working in closes in on ten P.M. and you can tell they are still struggling to get it all done. But then the nerdy computer guy sits back in his chair all smug and takes a big bite out of his Whopper(TM) and, with a mouth full of processed meat, says "Yeah, I just finished the patch. We can upload it as soon as you slackers finish up whatever the hell you were working on." And Sam looks pissed because they've all just mostly been waiting for the nerdy guy to finish because they were done for hours and he's all like "About time!" And the nerdy guy realizes he wasn't the first to finish at all, but rather the last, and you can tell that he is really worried about his rep as the best computer guy ever, even though he still totally is.
So they upload the program and then the lights flicker and the old guy has a worried, yet somber, look on his face. And he says "I believe that perhaps we should not go home tonight." But then the hard-core bitch is all like "F^%$ that, you old motherf&*&%%%^%^, I'm getting the hell to my goddamn bed and you sure as #%*(#%* #%*(^#%(*# #(*%^#(*%&# @)(#@)(# $^*@^$@ gonna stop me. " So she leaves, but the old man stays, and the rest of the team, the Frat boy vet, the nerd, and Sam, decide to head down the street to grab a beer because the Frat/Vet said "Hell, I don't know bout you boys, but I need a brewskie!" So they follow him because they think its cool that the cool guy in the office is finally willing to hang out with them.
On the way to the bar they notice that there is a weird light in the sky. And all the street lights are flickering. And a woman screams in the distance. Also, maybe there is a little bit of rain and lightning. The nerdy guy looks really scared, but Sam is acting tough since he's with the tough guy, and the tough guy doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary. When they are about to walk through the door to the bar, this homeless looking guy comes up to them and demands they give him some money, but Sam ignores him, but the tough guy gets in his face, and then they get into a fight, and the tough guy rips the homeless guys arm off in a fit of rage. But the guy keeps going like nothings wrong, so after a little more of a scuffle, they run away back to the office where the old man is sitting there with, like, a million guns.
The nerdy guy is all like "we just ran into a zombie!" or something and the old guy is like "I was afraid this would happen." And the tough guy is covered in blood and trying to wash it off and Sam is looking out the window when he sees a car crash through the fence around the parking lot then a bunch of people run in through the hole. And then hard-core bitch gets out and smashes a few of the people on the head and runs back into the office building.
"What the &^% @)(@ &&^& is going on out there!" She says, but she already knows!
So the team sits around for a little while then the old man relates some story about this time when he was younger and rasher and something like this happened in this little town that didn't appear on any map. And then thats how they know that this was their fault, because the program they uploaded was the final missing ingrediate to a zombie armageddon that corporate was trying to unleash on the world. And Sam is all like "Why would they want a zombie armageddon!" and the tough guy is all like, oh and he has his shirt off trying to rinse out the blood and impress hard-core bitch, he's all like "I don't know and I don't care. But we started this and I'm sure as hell not resting till we finish it!" And hard-core bitch is all like "your an idiot, I ain't going back out there, you dumb &^%!!" But you can tell she is totally impressed by him cause she's not taking her eyes off of tough guy and she's biting her lip all sexy like.
So the old guy tells them that the only way to stop it is to upload the counter-program directly into Corporates main server. And Sam is all like "thats fifty miles away!" but they decide they have to go anyway and they ask the nerdy guy to make the program, but he's all like "shit, I did that already. I never design anything I can't destroy. Hell, I can probably destroy it from here!" And he gets back on his MacBook(TM) and starts doing something, but the old man is all like "NO!" But its too late because this weird light starts coming out of the computer and then there is some more power surging and everything goes kind of purperly red for a few moments then all the lights go out. Then they come back up and everyone is standing there in the same spot but the nerdy kid is gone, or is he? They look around then out of a dark corner the nerdy kid jumps on the back of the tough guy and bites him in the neck!! But hard-core bitch goes all crazy and beats nerdy dude off. And now tough guy is bite and old man says he is going to turn, and hard-core bitch is like "no, no!!" but old man says he has a few hours before he turns so they run outside and get in the car and take off for corporate. Also, the old man says "The deadline to stop this is eight am. After that, all hope will be lost!"
They have a fight scene with all the zombies outside the office but they make it to the car and get in and hard-core bitch is being all sweet to the tough guy and taking care of him and trying to stop the bleeding and murmering about how its going to be alright and they will stop this before he turns. But as soon as they get on the freeway, they see a bunch of zombies walking around and then they go "oh, shit, we can't get through." But tough guy says "Just gun it till we stop, then I'll make sure you guys get out." So they do that and eventually the car crashes into a median after crashing through, like, a million zombies. So when they stop tough guy gives hard-core bitch this overly sloppy smooch and then he gets out and punches through zombies like nobodies business and they hold off the ones that come around the car with some of old man's guns and after a while when they are afraid tough guy isn't coming back, this big Hummer(TM) crashes through some more zombies and pulls right up to it and you see tough guy at the wheel, much more covered in blood then the last time we saw him. And he gets out and says "You go ahead! I'll stay here and keep them off your ass!" And so they don't argue but hard-core bitch cries and runs to kiss him, but she gets bit while they are, um, distracted.
But bitch, old man and Sam get in the Hummer(TM) and take off and they sit in silence as they drive. After a few flash forwards of the driving, they pass a sign that says "Corporate, 3 Miles." Only maybe it says the name of the town or something else, because why would one business have a sign on the highway?! Or maybe it was a billboard. Lets go with that. But then the Hummer(TM) runs out of gas!
So they take their guns and the now pale hard-core bitch and old man take point and Sam slides the counter-program (Oh, he put it on a memory stick before they left, by the way) into his shirt pocket and they take off on foot because none of them know how to hot wire any of the abandoned cars on the side of the road. They fight some zombies. And they have to fight some, like, zombie birds and squirls and maybe a dog or two. But they make it over this ridge and they can see Corporate and its all glowing that same purperly red and then Sam's iPhone rings.
Sam is about to answer it, but old man stops him, takes the phone, smashes it, and explains that that is how they are passing on the disease! Through cell phones! The horror! Also, they use computers. Which might raise the question as to why the first person they saw that was a zombie was a homeless guy, so maybe we could show him coming out of an internet cafe or something.
Anyway, the get up next to the building all sneaky like and Hard-core almost zombie bitch is like "Let me handle this" because there are a bunch of guys in suits with really big guns sitting there looking all professional and ready to kill. And Sam is all like "no! You can't, we can get around them some other way!" But she knows they can't and that she is already dead and then she reveals her dark secret!
She and tough guy were dating! Secretly! And she really cared about him because he saved her from an abusive husband and he was actually really sweet just a little screwed up! Just like her! She has a cat named fluffy! And donates most of her paycheck to an orphanage! But then she lets out a string of profanity laced gibberish about how she can take on the whole f*&^%ng Corporation after what they did and she totally goes all Rambo on the asses of the guards and creates a big enough distraction for Sam and Old man to sneak through a side entrance. So they get in and shot a couple of guards here and there and finally make it up to the Office of the CEO where the main server is. But its guarded by, like, fifty people! So old man says "Sam, you wait here! I don't know how to upload the program into the server, I was taking a class at the learning annex...." but Sam understands that old man is sacrificing himself for the greater good and Sam knows what he has to do. Before he leaves, old man hands Sam his cell phone and tells Sam to turn it on. Sam does so, not understanding. Old man, with a combination of walking out and talking to the guards, a lot of bullets, and a ridiculous amount of explosives he happened to have on him, pulls the guards off the door and Sam runs in with tears in his eyes for the sacrifice of old man.
But when Sam opens the door, its the CEO! Maybe we know this because we saw the CEO on a commercial or something earlier in the movie! And he is all like "Sam. I didn't think you would make it this far. I'm impressed." And Sam is all like "you know who I am?" And the CEO is all like "Of course, I've been watching you for a long, long time. You are like me Sam. Someone who never really belonged in this world." And we know he's telling the truth because in the beginning of the movie there was probably a scene were you can see that no one emails Sam or calls him or anything. "But you are also a very bright young lad" continues the CEO "and I knew that of all the employees in all my satalite offices, you were the one that could get the BBRC online in time for the equinox." And then Sam realizes just how much he's been used, but he also knows he isn't going to be used anymore!
"How can you stop me in time, now?" Asks the CEO, as we see a clock that says it is just minutes till eight a.m. But Sam charges the CEO, but, oh no!, the CEO knows Kung Fu! And he is totally kicking Sam's ass. But then all of a sudden Sam hears some cheesy ring tone and the phone falls out of his pocket and he understands what the Old man was doing in giving him the phone! So Sam opens the phone up (its a flip phone) and is all like "It's for you!" And jams the phone up against CEO's ear! And then CEO goes all purply red and Sam uploads the counter-program with seconds to go! Then there is a lot of weird light and sound and so Sam fucking bolts out the building and just as he clears the front doors the whole building becomes a totally awesome ball of purply red light and explodes in a totally awesome fashion!
And there were all these people around who were zombies when he ran out the door, but now they all fall down and then get up and brush themselves off and look at Sam, and he just nods and looks all somber and walks off into the raising sun.
Fin
And that, my friends, is my Freakin awesome zombie armageddon movie. Sponsored by McDonalds(TM)
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