This is the third and hopefully last attempt at getting this part two out there. I wrote one when I was frusterated with life in general and the other ended up being a complete tangent that I felt was left better for another time, since I knew if I posted it I would never get back to the original problem that was vexing me last time I posted here.
Of course, this isn't going to be a direct sequel, as it were, to my last post. I've vented enough about my family for now, and therefore think its time to vent about myself a little more, thus keeping it close enough to be called part two.
After my last post I was thinking about my temperment and why I much more rarely seem to get pissed off at anyone or anything anymore. I actually meditated on it for a while, which was a trip because I hadn't done that for over a year. I don't know if I meditate in the way that monks and whohave you would teach it, but I just clear out my mind and go for that calm, trying to take a peek into whats really inside my head instead of just what comes out at the higher levels. I got snapped out of it the first time, not thinking I was in any sort of a trance and found a strange calm had completly washed over me, but my head was still swimming, so I went back inside my head and think I nodded off for a while. When I suddenly snapped back to reality it was right after some voice in my head said "Come with the question you've answered, leave with the question you've seeked." I have no idea what the hell that was about, maybe I was asleep or deep in trance, but either way thats what I came too with. I've been wondering about what it may have meant though, I mean, it sounds like something one of those zen people would say and yet who knows if its gibberish or not? Maybe its something I heard or read somewhere. Anyway, all I can read into it is that there is something about denile going on in my mind, which is something I've been wondering about for a long time.
You see, I'll tell people that I'm happy, but I'm not, and problably havn't been for a long time. When I came back and was calm I realized that the reason I don't get pissed off at people all the time now is because I've always just been mad at myself, and now my anger turns to depression when I feel it. I'll still get angry sometimes, but for the most part when I start having those things pop up I just get depressed. And then I'll eat, or I'll drink, or I'll smoke and brood about what I hate about my life. All my anger is turned inside, and when you add that whole thoughts that I must be denying something within myself it all sort of starts to make sense. But I've come to a conclusion, now brace yourselves, ready? Okay, I'm Fat.
I'll give you all a second to take that in.
Okay, apart from wanting to use the Family Guy quote there, I really do think that most of my problems can be traced back to a serious issue I have with my own weight. And I honestly do try to keep it at bay from time to time, but I never seem to be able to really lose the weight that I want to get rid of. When I look in the mirror I'll tell myself that its not too bad and that I'll eventually get to that point where I'm doing something about it, but I havn't gotten there yet, and I think that I need to take a stand and just be at the point where I am doing something about it rather than procrastinate, ignoring the obvious problem and imagining that its not really there, going on with my life like nothing was wrong. Paul and Tracy gave me "Silent Bob Speaks" for my birthday and I was reading about his weight problems (which he talks about with much more humor than I am, but he's funnier than I, so it's okay) and I realized that no one wants to think of their weight as a problem. No one wants to do anything about it because to do something about it is to admit that you have a problem with it. I think thats whats been my problem for a long time. When I was in San Diego I ended up watching an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" with a married couple losing some weight and for some reason that show really got to me and I started thinking seriously about my weight. I went and found a little electronic scale and stepped on it and all it said was "Err," which I assume means 'error' but could also be the scale straining against the massive weight that was placed on it (err.... god, get off! err!) I tried working out this summer, I tried to watch what I ate but I always fall back into my deviant ways in what most psychologists would probably call a "shame spiral" in which you relapse, and then, feeling bad about the relapse, you just continue the habit further because you feel like your such a fucking failure. Or something like that. And it is hard to change a life style, and to give up things we love (like food) in order to do something that doesn't seem to have a direct immediate effect on our health but will have effects latter, but hey, later is later man.
Anyway, I was thinking about this for the last week alot, and in the last few months I've been seriously thinking about how I am to go about losing the extra weight and I realized after reading Kevin Smith's article about it that the best way to go right now would be to go with my first instinct and talk about it openly in some way that I'm comfortable with, i.e. on my blog, where I can say whatever I want and not have to feel to bad about it.
So why now, all of a sudden? For one reason I made a goal a few years ago that I would be in a least moderatly good health when I left college, and secondly, my pants. When I first moved up to Reno four years ago my mom came in and took me shopping and I got a few shirts and about 6 pairs of pants. All the pants were the same size and all were the same company. They all fit then pretty good, maybe a little loose, but for the most part they fit well. Well, since then I'm sure I've put on a fair amount of weight, and maybe in my few spells of trying to diet and exercise lost a little and then regained it, but through it all I've worn those same pants, almost everyday, whenever you see me in jeans you can be sure they are one of those six pairs. But lately I've noticed that they are starting to pinch a little bit, and some pairs that I don't wear as frequently and thus don't stretch out are getting harder to zip. And I've said to myself "I'm not, under any circumstance, going to stop wearing these pants, and if I get to fat to wear them, there I can never go out in public because I won't be wearing any pants."
I've tried exercising, every couple of months I go at it for a few weeks or a month and then I loose interest in exercising and just stop doing it for a couple of months until I start feeling bad about it and go back for more, but the infrequency of it all isn't really helping me. So I'm not going to do that right now. I really think if I am to be serious about getting the weight off I need to do it in a way that I can keep up for long enough for it to actually do something. Which is why instead of just going hardcore to the gym for a few weeks and eating whatever the hell I want I am going to start with a diet. And to start it off with, as I've already decided and started to impliment, I am giving up fast food. Its a small gesture maybe, but I eat a ton of that crap, I mean, I'll sometimes eat only fast food for a week, well, I'll have one meal a day thats fast food and then I'll go home and snack on some crackers and cheese and drink some diet coke. The crackers and cheese and diet coke probably don't hurt too bad, but the fast food does bad. And when I'm not eating that I'll get a frozen pizza and eat a whole pizza in a day and top it off with some ice cream. A fucking wonderful habit that I am also breaking with my ban on fast food. I stopped eating fast food for a month and a little change when I first saw "Super-Size Me" and I don't know that I lost much weight but I started feeling a bit better, and my diet seemed to be a lot better. But at the same time, I know little about nutrition and I'm lazy about what I eat, which is why last time I went to the store I bought some PB&J and some cereal and non-fat milk and tried to make that more of my diet. Speaking of which, I believe I will make myself a PB&J right now...
Okay, I'm going to hold off on that because I need to leave the house in about fifteen minutes and I want to finish up before needing to slip just this part of my conversatation into part three.
I think what I am trying to get at with all this talk is just to let people see why I am worried about this and why I really want to loose some weight. I also am saying this in case you call and ask me to go to dinner or something and I sidestep the issue and say that I don't want to go to out because I have cramps or some shit like that, or maybe that I broke my leg and I'm also Polish, so I can't go out on (whatever day it is). Why Polish? I really don't know. But the thing is the fast food fast is only the first (hopefully) part of my planned diet. You see, like when scuba divers are coming to the surface and have to stop every ten feet or so to reclimatize themselves to the changing pressure, so am I trying to get to a point where I can break the surface and be eating well and exercising and really losing weight, and the first step is to cut a bulk of the junk food from my life, once thats gone we'll move on to trying to actually eat healthy, with fruits and vegetables and everything.
Most people make resolutions at the new year, when asked by Tracy last new years what my resolution was I said it was to "stop making resolutions." But really I just don't like new years resolutions, because the new year is too abstract for me. But I've made my own little resolution which is that by my 23rd birthday I will be healthier and lighter. Which is why I'm starting now, a few months ago I think I said to myself I need to lose 30 pounds by winter break, that probably won't happen, but we'll see, it could I suppose, but my goal now is at least 50 pounds gone by 8-31-07. And from there hopefully whatever more I need to lose to get down to my 'ideal weight.'
So, yeah, thers part two. I think next week I'll go back to some randam crap that I normally talk about, but there may be a part three in the next month or so. But look forward, for now, to me bitching about my classes and people in said classes as that will problably be my choice topic for the next couple of weeks, as it always is when I schools going.
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6 comments:
i think you're right to only change your diet gradually. i think you're a lot more likely to junk a diet altogether if you immediately switch your whole eating pattern around. and quitting fast food is probably the best way to start. when i was trying to quit eating meat, i had to do it gradually. i think i quit fast food first, then i decided to avoid meat on the weekdays. after i got used to eating vegetarian 5 days out of the week, cutting meat out of the other 2 was easy. i think diets don't really work unless you structure them like that somehow. I need to start watching what i eat too, since i've started working an easier position at work, i burn a lot less calories there, so i think i've started to put on some weight this last month. we should be diet buddies.
So that's why you didn't want to get Jack in the Box with me.
I commend you. It's quite the journey trying to lose weight and what not. Eating healthy is critical; I once heard someone say that a healthy diet is 80% of your workout. Time and dedication, that's what it takes. Cheb and I have been down this road and we're here for encouragement.
Sorry, but a thought just came to me. You might not want to hear it, but you should also consider drinking more water and less diet coke. Diet Coke doesn't have any calories, but all that carbonation and those chemicals stay in your system for a long time.
Something to think about.
Also your post made me laugh. Especially the part about not wearing any pants. I freaking hate pants.
That was indeed why I didn't want to go to Jack in the Box with you, because I was, in fact, kind of hungry.
Diet Coke is like... phase 5, or something, I am still in phase 1.
Diet buddies... that sounds so cute...
i disagree with the diet coke thing, i mean yeah water is more healthy, but as far as the actual difference it makes to health and diet, i'd say that change would make much less difference than most other aspects that could be changed.
to put it another way, you get much less diet bang for your sacrifice of yumminess buck.
just out of curiosity though, which would you say would be more difficult though, giving up diet coke/soda or smoking?
Mor, I've been through a similar experience like you've had, when we went on the hike through the Toiyabes. I disctinctly remember laying down on this wooden bridge at the beginning of the trail and swearing to never do outdoorsy things again. After I made that realization and did some soul-searching, I realized that it wasn't the outdoors that were the problem, it was me.
I know you probably don't want to hear advice, but I'll just share what helped me lose 50 pounds:
1) Drink alot of fluids. Lots of water, combined with lots of fruit/vege juices.
2) Only eat when you're hungry. I think alot of the times we eat as a matter of habit and not when we're actually hungry.
3) I'm a big adherent of the lazy-man's workout, so I'll share. Whenever I'm feeling a bit chubby or bloated, I do something. Maybe go for a walk (which can later lead to a jog or even a run), or do some pushups/situps until I'm tired. When you're tired, stop. Don't push yourself too hard.
I lost 50 pounds doing that, so I think it helps.
As far as Diet Coke goes, yeah, it's not BAD for you, but water is alot better. You don't need to give up Diet Soda all at once, which is fuggin' difficult. Just saying that water's good, and can even be tasty.
I'll be a diet buddy with ya, Mor. If we go to Olive Garden, we could limit ourselves to only 1 bowl of salad and 3 breadsticks apiece. Now THAT would be hard.
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