Happy Happy and Other Poems

There are individual moments in a life that are probably unimportant yet seem to carry a lot of weight. For example last night I was talking with my girlfriend while we half watched a monster movie and she said "you seem like the type of guy who will never get married." And I saw her point, I did, I don't really project the married guy vibe, or at least I don't think I do. But I said, in response, "sure I will. I used to think about getting married a lot. A few years ago, at least, I did, before I gave up on the idea of happiness."

That response might have changed the direction of my entire life. I can't be sure, I'll probably never be sure, but it might have. Because that moment was probably the first time I'd ever discussed the prospect of being married with a girl I was dating. And, sure, the first time its all theoretical. But who knows? A year from now it could all be coming true. All because I didn't reject the idea out of hand. A simple response to a simple statement and suddenly my whole life could change.

Chances are that response will have no repercussions on my future. But I always wonder if it will.

Marriage doesn't make sense to me anyway. Not the joining together part, not the monogomy part, those make sense to me. Its the living together I don't get. I've lived with many different people in my life, but they were family or roommates or random people who crashed on the couch for a month or two. But I've never been expected to share a room, much less a bed, with any of them. And I struggle with the idea of doing that every night. I struggle with that a lot.

I'm a loner. Always have been. But not, well, at least I hope not, in the creepy way. Just a guy who prefers to be alone. The mere presence of someone else can change the way one acts, the way one behaves, the way one interacts with other people. And in many ways that is good for me. If someone else is around I won't just wile away the day watching TV and playing video games. If I feel like someone might see me I try to be more productive. On my own I am happy to do nothing, with someone watching I might actually try to get something accomplished.

I'm not as good on my own. Not as good as I could be. But I still need to be alone. I need to have my solitude. But I don't want to always be alone. I need people. I know I do, its just hard for me to always be around people.

I love Arynn. I really do. And I want to stay with her. But we both know eventually it will have to go further or it will have to go away. And marriage will come up again and again if I stay with her. And although I said that I wanted it before, and I wasn't lying about that, I'm not sure if I want it now. Life, I suppose, makes one make those choices.

On a side note, while I'm here, my website has gone down. www.tin-god.com is no longer functioning. It should still be functioning, I just haven't figured out what went wrong or how to fix it. But I'm working on it, hopefully it won't be down forever.