I just watched Lars and the Real Girl. I realize that this movie might not have much mass market appeal, but I loved it. It is a very dense movie, you have to peel away at it once you've finished watching it to make any sort of sense out of it. But then you see the core of it which is that no matter how alone we all might feel at times there really are people out there that care about us. Sometimes it takes something utterly bizarre for them to really come to our side, perhaps, but they care. It takes on depression and loneliness with a softness and sweetness that is lacking in almost any thing else I've ever read or watched before. I'll grant that there are some unbelievable bits to how the town reacts, but you love these characters so much you just won't care. And the acting is just brilliant. As is the cinematography. Normally I barely notice the directing in a movie but in this case there are so many shots and images that just stick in your head.
I had a restless last couple nights. Bits of insomnia and crazy dreams keep me tossing and turning occasionally waking up in my chair wondering how it was I managed to actually fall asleep. When I do sleep I wake up with a sore neck and a sore back. I feel like an old man. I guess I'm just stressed out about life again. I'm in a bit of a writers block, I'm quiting my job in a week, and I keep obsessing about a girl I can't have.
Even though I was going to be everything from a book store owner to a cop since I've graduated, none of those things really seem to have worked out. In the back of my mind I kept saying "well, if these don't work out I'll go back to school." And I suddenly realized why so much hasn't been working out is because I just want to go back to school. I think I go after these things more half-assed than I should be and don't work to get a better job because even though I always thought of school as plan B, its really been my plan A and I am sabotaging myself so that nothing gets in the way of that.
This realization isn't that helpful though. Because I can't get accepted until next Febuary anywhere I want to go. And then I wouldn't start till August 2009. So I've got somewhere around 16 months to kill. I shouldn't speak of over a year of my life as just "time to kill." But I have to find something to occupy myself for that amount of time. Maybe this is a good thing though. I can do a lot in 16 months. Expecially if I know I don't have forever to hang around doing it.
Fuck, I don't know what I'm going to do. And 16 months is a long time and I change my mind every couple of weeks anymore. I used to always think I just need to get focused but I suppose that isn't my style. My brain jumps all over the place and I just have to accept that and work with it instead of against it. I have to understand that I am without sails. I must go where the current takes me.
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