The Future Was Then

After my last blog I did in fact write a chirstmas story. Except for that it wasn't really a chirstmas story, it just happened to take place around christmas. And it was only about two pages long.

I was hanging out with Paul and JJ today and we got to talking about truth vs. Truth and several other philosophical sort of things. JJ made some good points, but while debating him it helped me to cement some thoughts I had. At one point, and I am paraphrasing here, JJ said something along the lines of "Whats the point of life if you don't try to understand the meaning behind living?" And all I responded with was "I like coffee, I like pizza, I like living. Whatever the point of all it is doesn't really matter. I enjoy existing."

I hadn't ever put it into words before, but I do enjoy living. I enjoy so, so many things. Right now I am listening to Electric Six and they make me ecstatically happy. It's stupid music but I love it. If I didn't exist before I was born and I won't exist after I die then I am more than happy to enjoy the sounds of Electric Six while I can.

I don't mean to pick on JJ, I will say that I consider JJ a dear friend and I very much enjoy his company, but it seems to me that JJ has always wanted to find the meaning of life.A very noble quest, but to me ultimately pointless. If 4.5 billion years of life on earth haven't stumbled across it yet, then who am I to try to figure it out? Perhaps it is selfish to just enjoy life. I want my life to mean something, but I don't think that I will ever be able to have a life that means something in a cosmic sense, nor do I think that I will be able to help human understanding of everything. We know so little. A single human will never understand the whole of everything. It's just not going to happen.

From time to time I feel like if I just wasn't alive anymore the world would be a better place. But I've never been suicidal. My life has intrinsic value. I don't know what that value is, but I know it exists. I'm a fuck up. I probably will add nothing to human history. But in some way my being here has changed lives. Maybe it was as simple as something I said in third grade that I don't even remember. Maybe it will be something so grand that I will do in the future that I can't even understand the significance of yet.

My point is that I don't know my place in any grand scheme. And I would rather relish in the Sunday afternoon conversations with my friends than to worry about if I am fulfilling some cosmic duty.

And so the point of all this is that by JJ challenging my world view it has made me realize that I am very happy with the way the world has presented itself to me. I never thought that my world view would actually make me happy. But although I sometimes hate myself, I don't hate my world view.