There is surprisingly little evidence for what the universe is really made up of, of what is really out there, of what we are seeing. Why is it that both sides of the universe look the same, even though they never could have touched, nor been close enough for light to reach from one side to the other, even in the first moments of the big bang? If, as the big bang theory suggests, matter and anti-matter were produced in equal parts during the first moments of the universe, then why can’t we find any anti-matter? Or dark matter? OR negative matter? Or any other type of matter that has a fucking awesome name? Why?! And why can’t we call regular matter something awesome, like Indefatigable Matter? Or something even more rad that I can’t come up with because thesaurus.com is taking too long to load? What’s with all the questions? Who are you working for? What the fuck is the point I’m trying to get at?
Since we don’t really know what the hell is going on with, you know, anything, an insane amount of theories have been explored. My pick of the week: The Universe is a Hologram. Yes, like a special edition trading card.
Pictured: The Universe
What is most impressive about this idea, aside from the fact that we are living in a universe sized Matrix, is that the person that came up with this theory is clearly the son of Freddy Mercury and Dolph Lungrund, although probably sent back in time, possibly by the the Matrix itself.
Okay, so I am severely lacking in the ability to explain this in any way that could make sense to the common person (i.e. myself), but I have taken the morning to go over this theory and this is the summary I have come up with:
1. The universe is not in the shape of a Pringle, a doughnut, a Bugle or any other food (scientists either thing humans only recognize shapes that are also foods or they need to make a goddamn sammach) but is actually a regular, boring old sphere.
2. Surrounding that sphere is a layer of tiny ass protons about 10-16 meters in size. However, those are fucking huge because the regular size of those protons is 10-35 meters. If you don’t understand what that means (and I only pretend to know what that means), a meter is about 3.28 feet (or, the way Paul remembers it, a DV (Darth Vader) is equal to exactly two meters) So imagine something that is .00000000000000000000000000000000001 the size of 3 ¼ feet. Now imagine if you were to more than double that size. That is how big we are talking about the layer of protons surrounding the universe. Only, like, eighteen quadrillion billion zillion10 of them.
3. Those bigger protons on the edge are there, in theory, because that is where the picture starts to get blurry. Yes, like when you zoom in to far on a photo or try to watch a Girls Gone Wild Video on TV.
That is essentially where the image ends. The theory is that we are inside the massive hologram and that those protons are where the image starts to get all blurry. The idea is to somehow prove there is a blurriness, somehow measure it, and, then, somehow, prove the hypothesis. I guess.
Frankly I don’t possibly see how that plan could fail.
Still, if you decide to believe that we are all living in a holographic projection (and some philosophers think we are), it does beg the question as to who made the projection. I believe that I have narrowed it down to three possible candidates:
1. The Time Traveling Bird that sabotaged the Large Hadron Collider
2. A Zombie Creature that is using humans for some evil, self serving plot; or:
3. Raptor Jesus
The fact that we could be living in a holographic projection doesn’t seem to me to be enough to prove that we are in science fiction novel. And neither do any of these other crazy ass theories. And even the fact that the German’s have teamed up with the British have teamed up on a project called “GEO600” that seems to inadvertently be measuring the universe pixilation may still be too much of a stretch to prove we are in Sci-Fi.
edit: apparently if you copy and paste html from Word into blogger it can get all fucky-uppy. All the links were broken, you hear me?! ALL OF THEM! Now they should be fixed though.
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